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Archive for April, 2006

Is it a comedy or a horror?

Since it’s nearing finals time for all you college students out there, I figured I’d help you out and give you a short exam for practice. Ready?

1. How old is the main character in The 40 Year Old Virgin?
2. What do you think the story revolves around in The 40 Year Old Virgin?

Did you get both of those right? I hope so because if you didn’t, then you are officially the dumbest person alive. The 40 Year Old Virgin centers around a 40 year old virgin named Andy. You get to follow him on his quest to get laid. Andy works as a stock room manager in an electronics store. Andy isn’t a normal 40 year old though. In fact, Andy is a 40 year old teenager. His home is stuffed to the brink with video games, high-end electronics, collectable toys (Is that the Six Million Dollar Man’s Boss?) and comics. The one thing Andy doesn’t have in common with the average teenager is that he pretty much never thinks about sex. That doesn’t stop him from waking up every morning with a boner problem.

Plot

The story picks up after you get the idea of what Andy’s life is like. Andy’s co-workers are desperately trying to find someone to fill their poker game and decide to ask Andy. Maybe not the best idea since they think he is a serial killer. During the poker game, Andy divulges is little secret while trying to tell a raunchy sex story. His co-workers, who consider themselves all to be ladies men, decide to help Andy fix his little problem. The advice Andy receives is pretty much the same advice every guy gives to a buddy who is trying to get out of a slump. Tackle drunk girls. To complicate things, Andy meets and falls in love with Trish, a divorcee who runs a nearby shop.

Steve Carrell (The Daily Show, Anchorman, and Bruce Almighty), who co-wrote the story, pulls off the character brilliantly. He’s a smart ass and a geek. He’s a hero and a loser. The parts of his co-workers, which include Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan, are also very relatable. It seems possible, but still unlikely, that a separate comedy could be based on each of these parts. Paul Rudd plays David, a guy so obsessed with his ex-girlfriend from two years ago that he is nearly stalking her. Cal, played by Seth Rogan, is a hedonistic jewish guy constantly looking for one night stands.

Audio Visual

Not much to say here really. Its not like there are a bunch of explosions that fill up the entire screen. Overall, the movie is pretty clean and the color quality is pretty good. The movie featured good detail and was consistently crisp. The sound is also very clean. However, this is a comedy, meaning it is dialogue-driven. There are a few times the movie features surround-sound music and sound effects, but alas, this is not an action movie.

DVD Extras

Pretty standard stuff here. You got the feature-length commentary which includes practically everyone in the movie. There are ten people in this commentary. It includes the director Judd Apatow, Steve Carrell, Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, and many other people that could be called the main cast. There are six deleted scenes. In my opinion, most of these could have been included in the film, but, considering that the movie is already on the long side for comedies, it was probably a good choice to leave them out. All of the deleted scenes also have a commentary, by Apatow and Rogan. There are also five extended scenes which are basically improvisations by the actors. Also included is a three and a half-minute featurette on the waxing scene. It breaks down the multiple angles and basically shows all the work that went into getting that scene right the first and only time they had to shoot it.

The Last Word

Overall, The 40 Year Old Virgin is one of the most enjoyable movies to come out in a while. The cast is one of the best assembled comedic casts ever. The story is simple, the jokes are raunchy, and the cast is just straight out hilarious. Directors, for future reference, this is how you pull off sex jokes. They are well crafted and tastifully done, or at least as tastifully done as a sex joke can be. In conclusion, The 40 Year Old Virgin receives 5 Wax Jobs out of 5.

Well grateful readers, I have reached a time I thought I never would. I have discovered a movie with Quentin Tarantino’s name plastered onto it that truly blew ass. Sorry Quentin, maybe you should have left your name off of this piece of junk. But anyway, here’s the movie: gory and full of disturbing images that made me sick to my stomach. And I have a strong stomach. But that’s just the second half of the movie. In the first half, there are more random boobies than a softcore porn. And far more drug usage. I guess you could say that if you only watch the first half of the movie, you could imagine you’re watching a shitty plotless* softcore porn–if you’re stoned. Which you should be if you actually intend to watch this movie. Sorry, moving on.

*Editor’s note: some of them have plot?

Plot

Three guys backpacking across Europe looking for drugs and sex with random hot chicks (because that’s so original. Where have I seen that before?). Then after a stop in Slovakia, they are sold to some underground society because they are American, and apparently some random person will pay twenty five grand to torture and kill an American. Yep. That’s the whole movie. Minus the tits of course. Wow. Really a stunner Quentin. Even if you look past all the disturbing stuff in this movie, it’s still crappy. Every gun has like two bullets in them, and some German speaking American college student can apparently shoot a guy directly between the eyes while tied to a chair and missing two fingers from one hand. Yep. Not only that, but while trying to flee back to America, the one living main character manages to kill everyone who wronged him. What. The. Hell. No one on the planet can get that lucky. The American dude kills four people, the dude who set him up, the chick that sold him to the factory place, the chick that sold his friend, and the dude that killed his friend. And that’s just after he’s killed like eight people in the factory. Oh right, bad guys can’t kill the hero. Right. Even in cheesy action flicks it’s somewhat believable that James Bond isn’t gonna die, he’s Bond. But this isn’t Bond. This is just some guy running from dudes with guns. But it’s okay, because they only had like two bullets in those guns. Yep.

Visuals

Okay, imagine this. Ever thought what it would look like to watch an Asian chick’s eye get boiled out with a torch? No? How bout watching some creepy pedophile cut the Achilles tendon of a fairly nice guy, then watch that nice guy try to walk out of the room? No? How bout…you know what, you get the point. Add a few more disturbing images like a one eyed Asian lady diving under a train and a German speaking American trying to keep track of his two missing fingers while killing his way out of a mostly deserted factory and hey, we’ve got a movie! For a Tarantino produced flick, the cinematography was really pathetic. Nothing out of the ordinary (except the other side of the camera where that guy just got his penis cut off…). To be honest, the half-movie of sex scenes and unnecessary nudity wasn’t even good enough to justify watching the whole movie. The sex scenes weren’t even that good. Really. If you want unsolicited nudity and bad sex scenes, just watch that Paris Hilton sex tape thing. ZING! (Sorry for the year old joke…I’m in school when new things are happening. Or I’m sleeping. But either way, I don’t have anything new, sorry).

Audio

Did this movie have a soundtrack? (I was too busy wanting to gouge out my eyes, but knowing what that looks like now, I just couldn’t follow through.) I vaguely remember hearing some music, but it was all in German. But wait, isn’t this movie made in Slovakia? Why does everyone speak German? Sorry, back to the ripping…er, I mean review. Right. More audio includes some American begging for his life in German (because everyone in Europe speaks German right?), and another American begging for his life in English while crying, and an Asian chick begging for her life in Japanese or Chinese or something (what? not in German?). And there you have it.

Acting

Apparently, Tarantino spent so much money on fake blood and eye goo that he couldn’t afford to hire an actor that anyone actually notices or cares about (except maybe those actors’ parents, but they probably vomited after seeing this movie like everyone else who watched this crap). The only person I recognized is near the very end, had a shitty part, and oh… guess what? I don’t even know his name. According to www.imdb.com it’s “Rick Hoffman” but I don’t really know if I’m even looking at the right person. *shrugs shoulders*

Conclusion

Don’t see this movie. Trust me. It’s not even worth the time to steal this piece of crap. And you know what? If I was like eighty and watched this movie, I would send Quentin Tarantino a very nasty letter. But I’m only twenty-something, so if I ever see him, I’ll like, pee on his car or something. Yep, I’ll show him. But, I live in Wyoming. And don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford to go to Hollywood. Hey, I’m just a mechanic, what do you want? Anyway, I kinda got off track there…sorry. So there you have it, the movie sucked and if you even try to rent it I’ll laugh when I see you vomiting in the gutter after watching that eye part. Yeah, it’s really that bad. After watching this movie, I thought to myself “there are some sides to human nature that are best un-shown. “Then I thought, “Wow, that eye thing makes me want to barf,” but that’s kinda saying the same thing. So anyway, since I’ve rambled on for long enough, I shall end with one final note: this movie SUCKED. There. If you only read that last line, you’ll know.

0** out of 5

**Editor’s note: after assuring King that a 1 sucks and is as low as the scale goes, he still insists it receive a 0. To avoid division by zero errors anytime in the future though, I will officially give it a 1.

I like the RPG elements in those turn-based RPG’s, but I can’t stand the waiting involved with those games. Luckily, there is a solution to that. It’s called an Action-RPG. Yay Zelda!!! If you haven’t played a Zelda game, then shame on you. They combine the RPG elements with the ability to control the character. You get the freedom of actually wielding your weapon in a battle instead of selecting what your character does from a menu. But this review isn’t about Zelda, which pioneered this genre. We’re talking Soul Blazer here. Made by Enix (think Final Fantasy), Soul Blazer allows the player to actually recreate the in-game world.

If you’ve ever played an Enix game, then you already know the basic storyline. It revolves around morality. King Magridd, a greedy little bastard, kidnaps an exceptional inventor named Dr. Leo. Leo is forced to invent something capable of summoning Deathtoll, the King of Evil. King Magridd, being the greedy little bastard, makes a deal with Deathtoll that will give a piece of gold for every living creature the Magridd gives to Deathtoll. Basically, you, being the hero of the story, has to release the captured creatures and save the empire from Deathtoll.

Have you played Actraiser? No? Didn’t think so. Like the gameplay in Actraiser, you have to fight a group of enemies to release a creature, be it an animal, a plant, a whiny little bitch of a person, or someone who is actually helpful. Actually, pretty much everything you release is helpful in some way. Except goats. Damn goats. So you go through the lands releasing more and more helpful creatures using your trusty sword. Oh ya, there’s magic too. Actually, if you beat this game without using magic, you’d be my hero. But only for a day. All the magic you use works with the sword. As in any game, if you pay attention to the attack patterns of the enemies (and the bosses), then they are very easy to beat. However, if you decide to run in like Rambo (minus the guns), then you’ll be very easy to beat.

On to the graphics. It’s a Super Nintendo game so graphics suck by today’s standards. So all you graphic’s whores, stop reading now and go play your Xbox 360. The game uses a lot of bright colors, but it isn’t psychadelic or anything (except for the last level). The colors are used quite well though so you will never be overwhelmed. The bosses are animated and well drawn. Soul Blazer looks amazing considering it was released in 1992 without any of the amazing Mode-7 effects. It’s definitely one of the better looking Super Nintendo games out there.

Combining great gameplay, a great storyline, and good graphics, Soul Blazer is one of the most enjoyable games you may ever play. If your looking for the awards Soul Blazer received, you won’t really find any. If you want to see how popular this game is, go to ebay and compare its price to other Super NES games.

The first killer app for the PSP

So you haven’t used your PSP for gaming since Liberty City Stories, you say? Well power that baby back up and prepare for the hand cramps, because Syphon Filter Dark Mirror is here. Whether you are a fan of the series or you just enjoy good gameplay, you’ll be happy you spent the cash for this one.

Saving the world, as usual

“Surely you can’t be serious?! Little ol’ me is going to save the world?” Ok, so it isn’t exactly original. The same stories have been told over and over again since the days of ancient Greece. But who honestly cares if it works? Dark Mirror is such a rehashing where you stop the baddies from completing their evil plans. Melodrama abounds, especially during the final boss’s monologue. Could someone please tell him this isn’t Metal Gear Solid! (Some might find it interesting, however, that some of the same voice actors from MGS are present for Dark Mirror.) Even the media favorite phrase “WMD” is used liberally, but just like in high school, once hip phrases are used by the general public, the “in” crowd wouldn’t be caught dead using it. EVERYONE knows video game violence is the new fad. The story does have some moments of glory though that fans will certainly enjoy.

Singleplayer gameplay

You’ll use a nice variety of weapons including the ever-popular tazer guns, grenades, sniper rifles with special purpose darts, and even flare guns for “emergencies.” Nifty gadgets such as IR goggles and night vision are not only useful in different situations, but reward those willing to look for various extras. Replaying missions will unlock more weapons and levels and finding all the hidden evidence unlocks different behind the scene extras making Dark Mirror very replayable. Enemy AI is good, but more importantly, your actions may allow for different outcomes of each level. I found myself extremely enjoying playing the same missions using stealth one time and Rambo tactics another time just to see what would be different. Overall, there is no better singleplayer game for the PSP–once the awkwardness of controlling a 3rd person shooter on such a small platform is overcome.

Multiplayer

Here, the game falters slightly. Online play is supported by statistics and ranking, which convinces some that this is the only part of the game worth playing. Issues arise, however, when new players try to find a decently balanced game. High ranks are unwisely given too many bonuses, allowing them to further whoop on the lowbies. And heaven forbid that the high ranks would willingly match up against another high rank… that might screw up their perfect stats. This unbalance is a major turn off for the newcomer and will be the suffocation of the online game. The good part of multiplayer comes if you are lucky enough to know people. You can form a clan to work together and help each other rank up. There is also voice communication, but good luck trying to find a headset sold anywhere (I’ve spent a month looking everywhere in a 100 mile radius). Multiplayer slightly disappoints. I was lucky enough to beta test the multiplayer for this game, and it was the most enjoyable beta test I’ve ever been in. It’s confusing to me that the final product was such a let down.

Final thoughts

The total product is no let down though. Singleplayer is excellent and overshadows the problems with multiplayer. Not only is this the best shooter on PSP, it is quite possibly game of the year for this platform. It is no question then that Syphon Filter Dark Mirror receives a well earned 5 out of 5

…and don’t call me Shirley.

The original and heavily copied hidden evidence guide.

Episode 1

Part 1

ID Card – explode the barrel next to fence, climb ladder around corner to ‘radio tower’ where worker body lies

List of Names – from the base of that tower use zipline; use keycard from first dead worker to open this door

Page from KemSynth safety manual – next to base of ladder going into the distillation tower pit

Part 2

Jack Miller’s body – from level start, go to lower level and then left; climb bar over fence to find Miller’s body and B1 card

Requisition forms – use B1 card to enter door on lower level labeled smartly enough “B1″

Page from KemSynth safety manual – from level start, use RTL to go straight across; around the corner in the shadow

Part 3

Hydroponics equipment – after crawling through the first vent and shooting the switch to stop flame jet, its right under where the jet was

Stack of KemSynth personnel papers – the famous locker with not-so-famous code 9-3-8

Red Section orders – on the couch next to the bigscreen TV

Part 4

Broken KemSynth valves – right in front of you when you exit the elevator, behind the wire screen

Dead KemSynth technician – before using RTL, shoot the switch on opposite wall behind flame jet so you can get to the body behind it

Demolitions instructions – next to that flame jet, before climbing ladder, go into the shadow in the doorway

Part 5

KemSynth transaction data – before going back upstairs, use EDSU goggles to see which server to get info from

NSA bug – after the technician opens door for you, the storage room has a mounted deer head (also, at one end of the mainframe room is a key on a shelf to get frag grenades from the locker in the previous room)

Freeman’s email list – before having the technician open the second door for you, make sure your aim is good so you don’t explode the pipe behind the next two guys; the laptop laying on the ground is what you want intact

Episode 2

Part 1

A signal emitter – hidden on top of wings, use EDSU goggles

A radar jammer – other wing

A homing beacon – use thermal goggles to see this out in the snow, front and starboard side of plane

Part 2

More grow lights – the snowed-in open court, on top of the crates

More KemSynth paperwork – before hitting the switch in the vents, crawl up to the grate that blocks your path

Weapons cartridge – use EDSU goggles to find this at the bottom of the bomb room behind all the crates; you have to drop down off the ledge and shimmy over to it

Part 3

Evidence of technical expertise – after preventing suffocation, to the left of the ammo crate that is to the left of the switch for ventilation (make sure to grab maintenance key from the dead body in this room)

A transmitter bug – in maintenance room immediately after the elevator crash, to the right of the big console thingy

A tropical flower – once you are in the hothouse, go to the lowest level and to the left when you first enter; obviously it’s in a plant bed

Part 4

A microfile – before going down the first ladder, go in the door to your left; it’s sitting on the table in plain view

Graffitti – after going down the first ladder, kill the 3 guys and go into the room to the right with night vision goggles on

Freeman’s personal papers – after going through the “trench” and you get to the hall with all the laser mines, in the alcove to the left, it is protected by another laser mine

Episode 3

Part 1

Ortega’s papers – climb the building you start directly next to and use the beam above it to shimmy over to the other building; crawl through the vent and kill the guy and steal his papers

One of Hargrove’s men – before rescuing Addison, go to the end of the street and climb over the boxes in the alley

PRWC bank statements – after Hargrove looks for the files and you crawl through the vent, the guy in the room gives you the code (6-9-4) for the safe next to him

Part 2

Another one of Hargrove’s men – after using the mounted gun, go to the far right of the level and grab the fire extinguisher; behind the fence you are standing directly next to is a dead body

Red Section radio – with the fire extinguisher, return to the burning boxes next to the mounted gun; use the extinguisher to climb over the boxes

List of boarding schools – before following Hargrove into her room, climb the box next to the window and shimmy around the building as far as it will go

Episode 4

Part 1

Zivmovic manifesto – after killing the first guy, go back to the hole you came in from; climb outside and watch for the mine

NATO shipping label – in the first room, find the ammo crate with body armor in it; climb the crates directly next to that body armor

Kress’s papers – before having Janzen install the hopper, clear that room of the mine and get the papers at the end of the hall

Part 2

Janzen’s unit orders – before you cross the first door with wooden planks covering it, there is a little hallway with a dead body in it; use thermal goggles

Zivmovic capsules – behind the contamination tent

Red Section orders – across from the final radio that you find, on the catwalk; you have to climb the boxes on lower level to get to it

Part 3

Broken UN seal – in the chemical silo room, on the catwalks behind the rubble on one of the circular middle platforms; use EDSU goggles

Zivmovic’s GPS – entering the chemical silo room for the second time and climbing to catwalks again, this is next to the door leaving this room; use EDSU goggles

War criminal – once you’re in the outside court and you’ve used the RTL twice, stay on this catwalk and cross the single wooden plank

Episode 5

Part 1

Body of an escort – in the starting outside court with the spotlight; use thermal goggles

A fake passport – the bedroom next to the security chief and his escort, next to the armoire

A stolen painting – lower level of grand staircase; use EDSU goggles

Part 2

Flower from rare plant – from the library room, use hidden door (visible on radar); its on the table next to the ash tray

Yavlinksky’s papers – use stealth to get Yavlinsky’s code 4-1-5 for the door going upstairs located in the hallway; upstairs is a painting taken off a safe hidden in the wall (code 9-1-9)

Dinner receipt – pocket of coat in the coat room; use EDSU goggles

Episode 6

Part 1

Carbon alloy cams and hooks – from start, go down the first ladder and shoot open the gate on the fence; go out on the ledge left as far as it will go

A climbing harness – from the dead worker’s body with the security card, climb over the adjacent pipe and follow the ledge around the corner

Red Section corpse – from the platform with the explosive barrels, open the other gate in the fence and drop onto the rounded half barrel vault thingy

Part 2

Hargrove’s purse – inside the elevator, you’ll prolly die getting this one

Red Section gear – in the bathroom next to the nades

Kid’s tennis shoe – on the ground of lowest level of multi-floor opening; use EDSU goggles

Episode 7

Part 1

Red Section shipping invoice – crawl around the trailer next to where you boosted Lian; inside the trailer

Data scan filter – in the maintenance room where you shut off the bloodied fan

KemSynth shipping container – before killing the boss, climb onto the crates in the area; use EDSU goggles

Part 2

Red Section personnel files – in the control room about mid level of the water chamber room

Hydro simulation data – in that same control room

AIT super processing chip – in the master control room at end of area, very front and right console; do this before taking on the heavy armored guy

Part 3

Project Dark Mirror data set 1 – in the first server thingy in the wall in the hallway

Project Dark Mirror data set 2 – in the second server thingy further down the hallway

Centrifuge project – on the exploded section of the centrifuge

Bonus Missions

Narbonne

Complete the level on hard to get 2 hidden evidences (but it’s really only one secret, tee hee)

Stone’s toilet is the other hidden evidence, like the old man he is

Bangkok part 1

Pigeon scat – on top of the balcony above you at start

Uninfected pigeon – rtl across street and start to rtl across to finish but drop down first; go left and look for the climb icon and shimmy to the next balcony

Pigeon feed – one of the guards that are above your head at the start
(Thanks to Entombed for this one)

Bangkok part 2

Incense from Taiwan – in the starting room at the shrine kinda thing

Ming vase – the first vase in the hall is it, but don’t let it be destroyed!  Omg I spent way too long looking for this one.  Thanks goes out to Garvinator, one of the developers, for the help here.

Elevator codes – one of the elevator panels

The original RPG. The turn-based genre. That’s what we’re talking about here. Chrono Trigger, from Square, is without a doubt one of the best RPG’s ever made. Ask any Super NES fanatic what the system’s best game is and they’ll answer immediately with Chrono Trigger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a big fan of the turn-based RPG’s, but this is one of my favorite games of all time. The storyline is very captivating and visually this is one of the best looking games on the system.

Now, this part is going to be difficult. I want to tell the storyline without ruining it. It’s 1000 A.D. A young boy named Crono is going to the Millenia Fair to see his friend, Lucca. On the way he bumps into Marle and the two decide to go together. When they find Lucca they see that she has invented a time machine. Marle wants to be the test subject. Something goes wrong while she is in the machine and Crono and Lucca use the machine to locate her. While searching, Crono manages to to change history. So basically, you have to go through time fixing everything that got messed up and while trying to find a way home.

If you’ve played Final Fantasy III, then you know the basic gameplay system. In addition, a “Tech” attack as been added that is sort of like a special move. These techs can be combined with other members of your party to perform even more powerful attacks. One of the main changes with this game, and one which I think should be a necessity, is that you can see enemies before your thrown into battle with them. This allows you to avoid fights if you are just trying to get somewhere. Of course, leveling up is needed so you don’t want to avoid all the fights.

As I said before, this is one of the most visually impressive games on the system. The level of detail might be better than any Super NES game and the color blend really works well. Every area has its own distinct look. Not to mention the fact that the music really adds to each level. This is one of the better soundtracks on the Super NES, but would you settle for anything else from Square?

Chrono Trigger, in my mind, is the perfect turn-based RPG. And it is impressive that Square was able to build such a different game from Final Fantasy but include everything that makes Final Fantasy great. If I were ever to create an RPG game, this is what I would strive for.

In conclusion, Chrono Trigger bitch slaps Final Fantasy for a 5 out of 5.