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Archive for June, 2006

The most kick-ass physicist since Stephen Hawking returns to take it to the man; G-man that is.

Welcome, gracious readers to my first review of a video game. And we shall start with perhaps the grandest PC game to be released in quite some time: Half Life 2. After long bated breath and wishing I wasn’t poor, I eventually acquired this game (Thanks Aaron) some 6 months after it had been released. As I finally get around to the review, it’s more than a year after it’s release. But, nonetheless, if you don’t already own this game and you claim to be a “gamer” then you should go out and buy it right now. In case you couldn’t tell (what are you retarded?) this is the sequel to arguably the greatest PC game of all time: Half-Life. And this sequel does not disappoint.

Valve built an all new engine to power this game, and the graphics really show it. Every skin in the game is as close to real as I could imagine a game being, if not better. Throughout the game, I was stunned repeatedly by the extreme attention to detail that was given to the graphics. And although I am sure there are flaws in the game, my first play-through did not reveal any to me. The second time through, however, I noticed a few small glitches (mostly caused by me not doing what I’m supposed to of course) and even those glitches were more than small enough for me to simply ignore. From panoramic views to vetilation shafts, the graphics really are revolutionary. Even if your machine is not completely able to handle the graphics, the boys at Valve ingeniously kept what you needed to see in the screen, and clipped out unnecessary items. So if your computer sucks (like mine) you’ll still be able to murder and maim without hinderance.

This game really handles excellently as well, it’s very easy to get lost in the game and not even remember that you’re just playing a game. It really handles like all games should. The movements are crisp and very precise, helping seat you into Gordan Freeman’s shoes. The weapons are fairly believable, and your enemies fall with a proper amount of force. Plus the ragdoll characteristics that the corpses take makes it extra fun to nab a headshot. As a bonus over Half-Life, you can actually operate vehicles that aren’t mounted on a rail. Granted you only really get to drive a few vehicles, but it’s very nice to be able to move about as you like and not to be stuck on a track able only to accelerate and slow your craft. So in that regard, this game really is an improvement over the original. Plus, the dune buggy sounds like a small block Chevy, and that makes me super horny. But I digress.

The only real problem that I have with this game is the mood. Yeah, the G-man is present and quite prominant, and you even get to spend some time with characters from Black Mesa that were in the original Half-Life. But the sequel just doesn’t feel like Half-Life did. The plot really didn’t seem like you were fighting for freedom from aliens and grunts while trapped in the labs. It really felt more like you are on a one man vigilante attack against all things evil in the world. It almost seemed more fitting of a James Bond game than Half-Life. And you spend the whole game fighting men, and get to kill hardly any aliens, which is quite the disapointment. I really wanted this game to be like an extension of the original, with better graphics and drastically improved gameplay. Although I was not disappointed in regards to graphics and gameplay, I just really hated that it didn’t feel like Half-Life. In the original, there were countless puzzles and riddles you had to solve in order to progress, but in Half-Life 2, the puzzles are far too easy and I just never really got stumped. This was fairly saddening to me, because I’m not that smart of a guy and I really enjoyed getting stumped by the original.

The enemies in this game, however disappointing that they’re not aliens, are excellently built and quite intellegent. In the original, it was fairly easy to outsmart the AI, but not so here. I actually feel hunted in some places, which is almost refreshing (while creepy). Even the spawn points for the enemies feels realistic in most places, which really is an improvment over the original, where if you watch closely you can see exactly where to stand in order to spawn in the head-crabs and what not. Enemies get harder the farther you progress, which is becoming typical for first person shooters, but it fit what I was looking for. As an added bonus, when nearing the end of the game, you get to command some of the rebel troops, and they follow you like idiots and take all the bullets so you don’t have to. But the friendly AI seems like a last minute addition to the game and might need just a little more development to run perfectly. Plus, you don’t get troops for very long, so there’s really not much to mention about it.

All in all, this game is beyond excellent. The graphics rock, the enemies are believable, the gameplay is great and even the music is bad ass (even if there seems to be a shortage of it…) and I can’t stay mad at this game for not feeling like the Half-Life, but due to this I simply can’t give it 5 stars. Maybe if they had slapped a different name on it instead of Half Life 2, like Half-Life: Apocalypse or Half-Life: Aftermath or Half-Life with a Vengance or something I could have got on board with the feel the way they had it. But slapping it with that magic number 2 and then making if feel completely different? Sorry, but I just didn’t like that. Otherwise, the game is great. Anyone who thinks themselves to be a gamer needs to have this in the arsenal, and since it’s part of Steam it’s exceptionally easy to purchase, install, and play without going out into the evil sunlight.

4 Annoying head-crabs out of 5

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Adventures on the high seas without the scurvy! But we can’t guarantee that.

Arrrrgh!! Avast, ye land lubber! And other pirate talk! Been waiting to get your pillage on? Well this game has more than enough fun, so you don’t even need to get loaded to the gunwalls! (Look it up)

All pirates want revenge for something right? Well in your case, another pirate kidnapped your family when you were younger. And now that you are old enough, you set out with a pirate crew and a ship of your own, courtesy of a mutiny against your old captain. As the captain of your new sloop, you have to keep your crew happy so they don’t mutiny against you as well and dump you on an island. How do you keep pirates happy? Pillaging of course!

Through the course of your life (yes you age in this game) you will have the opportunity to attack any vessel you encounter, duel the captain of an opposing vessel, attack settlements of opposing nations, battle rude fiancés to win the approval of governors’ daughters, and of course dance with them. But first, the battles!

Naval battles are fantastic. Depending on what ship you are sailing, how many guns you have, how many crew, the wind conditions, and your sailing skills, the sea battles can either be exciting, or they can have you setting your sails at full and hoping you can outrun whoever is chasing you. Three different types of cannon shot can be used to take out crew, sails and masts, or just plain pummel the other ship (or yours). If you are more at home with a rapier in your hand you can close in on them a quick as possible and initiate a battle with the captain while your crews battle it out. After the smoke has cleared and you are (hopefully) the victor, sometimes the opposing crew will ask to join yours. You can also take all the loot that was onboard the other ship as well as choosing to either keep or sink that ship. Land battles are turn based fights with different types of pirates at your control. The number of crew you have and the number of soldiers defending a town are really important factors in deciding if you should attack, try to sneak into the town, or just sail away and find another port.

Dancing is something entirely different, altogether. (Dancing is something entirely different). It’s sort of like that annoying beeping little disc with four colors and goes by the name Simon. She gives you directions about what to do by pointing with her hands right before you do it. So you have to sit there and pay attention to her hands (at least you aren’t staring at her chest), and as soon as she is pointing you have to press the correct button in time with the music. If you don’t, you trip and embarrass her, and she doesn’t like that very much. If you are really smooth and she likes the way you dance at the end of the song, she will let you kiss her hand or twirl her around and look down her dress! (Ooooh!) And then she will give you some information either about a criminal that needs to be brought to justice or about your family. If you impress a girl enough times you may even get to marry her!

The visuals in this game are great. Most computers will be able to make full use of their video card to show off the stunning 3D animations while sword fighting or dancing. The only thing that I find irritating about this whole game is that the video settings reset every time you exit the game. Audio quality is good, but there isn’t very much to listen to in the game. There is the background music as you sail around the Caribbean and when you enter ports, but there are no voice actors. Everyone seems to mumble or speak gibberish. The dancing obviously has music, but how hard is it to play a classical dancing melody without any effects?

But the gameplay itself is engaging enough to keep you coming back. As you get older your pirate gets slower and eventually you have to retire. Now the great thing is that every game is different. Your family, all the lost cities, the secret hiding places, they all move around from one game to the next so you never know where they will be. With several different eras to play in, the politics are different every time, as are the beginning conditions. With the option to attack anyone at any time, or to just be a trader and attack only pirates, there is no set way that the game ends. You could end up marooned on a desert island for the rest of your life, or you can retire a rich man with a beautiful wife and ten’s of thousand’s of acres of land. All things considered I give Pirates! 4 Treasure chests out of 5

Editor’s Note: one more “Hyargh matey” for good measure.

The smallest big city ever, all in your hands

You had to see this one coming. There is hardly a game I’d want to be made portable more than a Grand Theft Auto game. And thankfully, Rockstar thought the same. How could anyone resist having their own pocket sized hooker-murder simulator?

Portable GTA! Brilliant!

This game fits the PSP so well and surprisingly runs great. Take GTA3, humorously add motorcycles to the mix, kill off the only Dodo, and add multiplayer mini-games and you’ve got a recipe for a classic. Mmmm, just like momma used to make (well, except the drive-bys and hookers). Speaking of drive-bys, the Xbox should be ashamed of itself for its history of terrible controls in GTAs because the PSP pulls it off perfectly even with fewer buttons. And the PSP looks just as amazing as the Xbox; I don’t know how those crazy Japanese fit so much power into such a small package. Liberty City Stories’s story is new and quite lengthy, so it should provide hours and hours of missions and side tasks. Not much else to say here. If you’ve played any GTA game, you’ll find the same things here–good and bad.

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“The Mainframe” Now in Theaters, Rated R for Retarded

The radio that we all know and love is back to offend, so parents and responsible adults be warned. They haven’t pulled any punches in the past and aren’t about to start any time soon. From Manifest Destiny to the Evils of the Internet to stereotypical Indian cab drivers to transsexual German DJs, everyone is sure to find something that interests them. There is even an inside hot coffee joke. But where is all the good music? Did Rockstar run out of good songs from the 90s they were allowed to play? They certainly found enough crappy house/techno music, but all the radio stations seem to be playing leftovers. Most stations’ cycles are too short, and others are about 25 minutes too long. Then, you get excited when you learn you can do custom tracks (as it’s been lacking on Sony platforms), but then you learn the details of it. You need their special utility that only rips from legitimate store bought CDs to put them on your PSP. Fucking DRM. Stop acting like Microsoft Rockstar!

Go sit in the corner Rockstar

On the surface, it is another great GTA game, and it’s portable! But I can’t help but be disappointed since I’ve played San Andreas. So many features such as developing character skills, minigames, airplanes, helicopters, and the miraculous swimming ability have been removed (or more accurately, not considered to be put in). This was a bad step backwards Rockstar. Don’t give us Kool-aid just to take it away soon after. Whether it’s due to technical restrictions or laziness, it doesn’t feel like your best effort.

So really, what else could you ask for from the PSP? Actually, Ace Combat and Knights of the Old Republic, but GTA is good too. I get the feeling I’ll be waiting for KOTOR for a while. Liberty City Stories fills a void in the handheld market almost perfectly. And if I didn’t know so many schmucks that don’t own PSPs, I might’ve been able to test the multiplayer part for you. Perhaps I would even be able to forgive the step backwards then. As it is though, Liberty City Stories is one of the best games for the PSP as long as you fit the “Mature” category.

4 Rock-stars out of 5

LilPickle: “I swear, if you play it one more time Matt, I’ll teabag you!”

To start off, this isn’t exactly a new game, but this one is definitely worth the time. And when do we ever actually get to review the new stuff? If you have played the first one and liked it, then you are in for a treat. The Sith Lords uses the same engine as the first, so the controls and graphics are the same. But even if you never played the first game, this one will help make you a less terrible gamer. Now on with the show!

Gameplay

Since this uses the same engine as the first, the combat and basic gameplay are relatively the same. One of the new additions is the whole mess of the influence you wield. Honestly, this is one of the better points of the game. The concept that your actions and words can affect your companions is one of the things that make this game great. So what’s the point of all that crap? Well, with some of the characters, you can train them to become a Jedi. Others, you can unlock different “Easter eggs” that can give you some back story in between the games or other tidbits.

The combat in this game is just like the first, but there are tons of new powers. My favorites are Force Crush and Force Sight. Force Crush is a neat-o darkside power that you learn on your own, so you can’t choose it as one of your level-ups. But at any rate, it’s almost as fun as squishing mice under your boots, and it sounds about the same too–only there are no mouse parts and goo left on your shoes, so it keeps all those duck-squeezers happy. Stupid duck-squeezers. Tell them I hate them and that I’ll eat their children. Alas, I digress. Using this power on just about anyone will flat out kill them. And Force Sight is cool cuz you can “see” a NPC or other character’s alignment whether light or dark. So either way you go, you know who to support and who to pwn.

As with the first game, your main choice of weapon is of course the lightsaber. Unlike the first one, however, there are three more slots to buff up your s-word, and with the right upgrades, you can deliver a beat down that would make Chuck Norris proud. Just remember most places don’t cash Chuck Norris brownie points out of fear of being blinked out of existence.

Characters

With TSL, you can get up to 10 characters in your gang. Who follows you depends on your alignment dark or light and your gender. Also, there are a few characters in the game that are left over from the first. Each of these characters has their own personality with plenty of depth to them.

But now for the bad

If you are a fan of the first KOTOR then you might have issues with this installment. Some of the force powers seem almost too powerful. The ability to wipe the floor with 15 bad guys in just 2 rounds is a little too much. And unlike the first, there is no big secret in the end. In fact, the ending is a bit disappointing. There is no great revelation at the end, and it leaves you feeling short-changed.

Well before I blather on much more, there is plenty that I didn’t talk about for fear of rewriting “War and Peace” and all that other fun on a bun. Here are the results: because of the old engine, combat problems, and the lack of the whiz-bang ending like in the first, I can’t give a perfect score. Fortunately, this game is now available for about 20 bucks. It does have some decent replay value, and it is a great rental if you’re too cheap to shell out the money for it. All in all, I give Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords a lightsaber-wielding, jedi-hacking, bone-crushing, hyphen-ated 4 out of 5.

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Pixar is at it again

Horsepower, speed, chrome, and skid marks. No, I’m not talking about King’s car, or his underwear for that matter. I’m talking about Pixar’s newest release, Cars. They packed the cast full of big name celebrities from the big screen, TV, radio, and several racing circuits. There are so many running Pixar jokes in this movie that I couldn’t even begin to count them all after only watching it once.

Plot

Have you seen Doc Hollywood? It’s fairly similar to that, but without all the people. It’s called Cars, get it? The movie follows Lightning McQueen (voice by Owen Wilson), a cocky rookie racecar on his way to California for the Piston Cup. On his way he gets lost one night because he can’t see where he is going, his headlights are only stickers. He ends up causing a lot of damage to this small town of Radiator Springs and is sentenced to community service by repairing the main road he tore up. After a while he begins to make friends with the locals and eventually makes it to his big race.

Visual

AMAZING. If Pixar were to leave out the cars and just show some short clips of the Radiator Springs area you would probably think it was real. People who really pay attention to the background will pick out car shapes in the mountains and the rock bluffs. The little VW Beetle bugs flying around in some of the scenes are hilarious, rather than contrails in the sky left from jets you can see clouds in the shape of tire tracks. Pixar quadrupled (that’s 4x for those of you who have trouble with big words) their processing power after making The Incredibles and they still spent an average of 17 hours rendering each frame of the movie. And it shows in the final product. The detail that they put into the cars, the buildings, and especially the scenery is amazing.

Audio

Lots of good stuff here, they have some good music that really helps set the mood for whatever might be happening at the time. Nothing really memorable about the music, but at least none of it seemed out of place. Lots of country and slow music to describe the old town of Radiator Springs and especially when Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) and Lightning go “Tractor Tipping.” And the music speeds up when Lightning gets back on the race track. The voice over acting matched seamlessly with the mouths on the cars so there are no problems there.

Acting

Woah, how many actors and celebrities can you fit into one movie? Owen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, Tony Shalhoub, George Carlin, John Ratzenberger (Isn’t he in every Pixar movie?), Michael Keaton, Richard & Mrs. Petty, Darrell Waltrip, Tom & Ray (Click & Clack from Car Talk) Magliozzi, Jay Leno, Michael Schumacher, and Mario Andretti just to name… more than a few. Pixar recognizes that John Ratzenberger is in every movie they have made, and they make a joke about it at the end of the movie while the credits are rolling. The only thing that struck me as odd through the whole movie was that the fire truck, Red, never said anything. And I didn’t find out until later why. The movie is dedicated to Joe Ranft who was the voice of Red, and the Peterbilt at the beginning of the movie, as well as being the Co-director of the movie, died in a car crash in August 2005. They had to cut Red’s lines because they didn’t want to replace him. The appearance of racing celebrities throughout the movie adds a touch of fun. I would have acted much the same way that Luigi and Guido did if Michael Schumacher showed up at my door too.

Summary

Great, fun movie. There are jokes for the entire family. Car lovers will find nearly every kind imaginable in the movie at one point or another. Mater’s signature voice adds the hillbilly humor everyone loves and will make you “Happier than a tornado in a trailer park.” There is a good lesson in the movie about friendship and respect too… somewhere. I was too busy laughing to notice. I give it 5 “Pit Stop?”s out of 5

Please kill me…

It’s been called the first killer app for the PSP, received by some as Game of Show for E3 2005, and been given high ratings on crappy “out of 10″ systems. Must’ve been a slow year for everyone else. The most fun I ever had playing Death Jr. was anytime Dead Guppy was on screen because I knew exactly how he felt. He was just playing dead in hopes the game would just leave him alone. I take it back, the instruction booklet was rather fun, too.

Widgets and Foobars

So the Grim Reaper’s (aka Death) son DJ goes on a field trip with his strange group of classmates to the Museum of Supernatural History. Him and his friends sneak off when DJ’s sweetheart Pandora tries to open an un-openable box. To impress her, DJ cracks it open with his scythe, but gets everyone’s souls stolen by the Necromancer inside. Proof that girls are wicked. So DJ sets out to return everything to normal so his dad never finds out what happened. You’ll run around button mashing to find soul fragments, weapon widgets, health and ammo while fighting off demons-a-plenty. Combo attacks with your scythe and a fairly large collection of weapons will help you get there. Just be careful you don’t lose your own soul by playing this game, I hear replacements are tricky to find.

So your Death’s son, how can you lose?

Well you’ve already lost some cash if you purchased this game. Inside the game, however, the camera is your worst enemy, followed closely by bad controls, and then demons spawning in behind you after you just cleared that area. It claims you can move any direction with the analog stick and the camera will automatically move to give you the “best view of the action,” but I think the people who wrote the book never played it. Target locking doesn’t help either, but I think they thought you’d never have any enemies off screen according to that last statement. Which further doesn’t make any sense when THEY ALREADY DECIDED TO CHEAPLY SPAWN IN DEMONS BEHIND YOU. You do best when you resort to button mashing with the infinite ammo pistols and keep running. And yes, you die when your health meter falls (don’t ask me how it makes sense). I’m flustered by how terrible it actually is.

Maybe it’s because YOU suck LilPickle

The back of the box has a bulleted list with one of the features being “jump on hard-to-reach platforms utilizing DJ’s iconic scythe…” Why don’t they just say, “good luck with the camera while you have to do wall jumps at least 4 times in a row up a narrow crevice in a wall while the demons at the top of it shoot you and you can’t shoot back because target locking doesn’t apply for anything off screen.” I guess they didn’t say that because the box is only so big. It’s not just the interface that sucks though. The whole game works based on how many hits in a row you can do without stopping. So to keep things chaining, you can destroy objects in the level like fences, garbage cans, meat globs, whatever. This introduces two problems though: you end up trying to destroy everything by always mashing the O button, and it interferes with the target locking with the enemies you DO have on screen (causing you to mash the O button twice as fast and hard). Bottom line–button mashing sucks.

Come on, its good exercise

So is having a seizure. Actually, that might be more fun than this game too. My complaints don’t stop there though. Both audio design and animation are terrible. Sequences sound unprofessional or as if they were the initial test readings done by the programmers just to fill in the blanks. And I feel mean for saying this (I’m as shocked as you are), but the animation in the sequences looked like an amateur did it and no one had the heart to tell the guy it sucked. Even the frame rate was disgusted by it and had to leave the room. Maybe it’s a good thing the dialog in each level is just a text box rather than voice acting.

So you’re saying there’s a chance…

No Harry, this hole is un-dig-out-able. Unlocks to improve weapons or get new combos or something (I can’t remember because I’m trying to rid this game from my mind) are too little too late. Levels are decently made, but can be frustrating at times. Music is better than the dialog, but still dull. Death Jr. tries its hand at humor too, but hardly gets more than a giggle. Dead Guppy is by far the coolest and funniest character. I wish he could get his own spin-off game. Death Jr. has no multiplayer, isn’t replayable, and most importantly ISN’T FUN… but at least it isn’t glitchy and bugged.  2 wall jumps short yet again out of 5

Pixar just can’t make bad movies!

What? An animated flick? Who the hell do I think I am? wait…I think I’m a movie reviewer dude, and I think I know who I am. Right. Moving on. Here’s a bit of a break from the norm, with a review of the movie The Incredibles. A creation of Disney in conjunction with Pixar, this box office smash hit cartoon dealie was more than entertaining. It was just flat out fun. And anyone who has read my previous articles knows that I don’t really review a movie based on its “fun” factor. But after seeing this flick, I was persuaded that movies really can be fun. It stars such people as my favorite actor of all time Jason Lee as the bad guy and Samuel L. Jackson (what movie isn’t this guy in?) as a kind of sidekick. Unfortunately, I didn’t really recognize the other actors and actresses, but more on that later. This movie is exceptionally well done and is more a work of art than a movie.

Plot

The movie follows the lives of a family of underground superheroes after a series of lawsuits forces the government to conceal the identities and stop the super activity of superheroes. This particular family’s father, Bob Parr (Mr. Incredible) played by Craig T. Nelson longs for the “glory days” when he could save lives and be loved and cherished by the whole nation. After losing his job at an insurance company, Mr. Incredible gladly takes on a job for big bucks on a remote island where he can once again use his powers. Unbeknownst to him, however, he is working for someone whose sole purpose is to kill all supers and become a super hero himself. After “killing” Mr. Incredible, Syndrome played by Jason Lee, sends a gigantic robot to the city and attempts to disable it. After realizing he is unable to become the hero he wants to be, Syndrome is foiled by his own robot, which is now destroying the whole city. It is then up to the Incredibles (that’s the whole family, not just Mr. Incredible) to vanquish the evil. And so on. I won’t delve in any more, because I don’t want to ruin the ending.

Visual

All CGI, all the time. But it really works. I know I’ve left a few animated movies thinking how crappy the graphics seemed, but this flick pulled it all off very well. Now, I’m sure you’ve all seem some Pixar movie, so I’m sure you know the quality of graphics they produce. But this movie even exceeds all previous work. It’s not quite perfectly lifelike, but it’s close enough to make you believe it could be real. Plus, a lot the visuals took on a very “James Bond” kind of feel that I found quite exhilarating. I really can’t stress enough the uniqueness of these visuals, I actually left the theater wanting more. I wanted to see more of the movie, I wanted more James Bond bad guy secret hideouts and beautiful CGI.

Audio

A great theme song, and even better special effect sounds. I found myself humming the theme song for the whole day afterward, and occasionally it gets stuck in my head still. The song fit the movie perfectly, and almost helped the believability of the flick. It actually helped it seem like a Superman meets James Bond movie, but with better acting, plot, sound effects, and originality.

Acting

Yeah, I know it’s animated, and that there really isn’t a whole lot of acting required with voicing-over, but I was pleasantly surprised with the acting quality here. Every part of each voice-over is incredibly (pun intended) believable. You could almost catch yourself thinking the characters are real thanks to this. It really helped make the whole movie seem more like a live action movie than an animated flick. As for the acting quality of the actors I had never heard of? I could almost say that they are better than even the ones I have heard of. Truly impressive.

Summary

I would strongly recommend this movie to any person of all ages. From that six year old obnoxious cousin you have to baby-sit for the weekend while her parents are in Vegas, to the ninety year old that you sit with on Thursday mornings to make him feel loved again. But it also works for everything in between. This is the kind of movie that my parents would watch and enjoy (for those who don’t know, I help them to watch movies that won’t make them mad…and that’s pretty damn tough to do). So as the first review of an aminated movie, I’m proud to rate this one exceptionally high. If you haven’t seen this one yet, you should go do that. Just spend the buck or two to rent it. You’ll like it, I promise. Yes, do my bidding, excellent. Right, anyway. 5 out of 5

The Burton-ized remake

Just for clarification, this is the NEW version of the movie, not the old version. This is the version that editor-in-chief LilPickle refuses to watch. But little does he (and many other people) realize this version is far superior to the prior vintage musical. And no, before you ask, this is NOT a musical. Music does play an important role in this updated flick, but at no point do you have to sit and endure the new version of “Cheer up Charlie,” which is most good because that song blew my left nut. In fact, the only singing you have to endure here is the all new and very creative Oompa Loompa songs. Directed by the acclaimed Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp, this delightful romp actually makes dark movies fun again. But before you go saying things like “King, it’s supposed to be a light, airy movie,” I say shut your piehole for a sec and check this out: the movie is based off a book, and the book took on a very dark theme. This movie was far truer to the original story than the 1971 flick.

Plot

Reclusive chocolatier Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp) realizes that he is getting old and must assign an heir to his factory, and since he has no family to speak of, he sends out five golden tickets in a world-wide lottery. After much hope and several candy bars, a very poor lad by the name of Charlie Bucket (Freddie Highmore) discovers a golden ticket. He and his grandfather are then to be taken on a tour of the enormous Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory. But you probably all knew that anyway. The plot here is vaguely similar to the original movie. Also, the same characters still exist with the same mannerisms (although they are updated to current day standards). In the end, the same offer to Charlie still exists, but it’s here that the filmmakers took a slightly different path by remaining truer to the book. Charlie actually denies the offer for the factory at first because Willy Wonka does not want Charlie to ever see his family again. But after some time, Wonka realizes the error of his ways and allows Charlie’s family to come live in the factory and everyone lives happily ever after and so on. One other key plot difference between this and the original flick, is that the new one no longer utilizes the whole “everlasting gobstopper” thing, where the competition guy tries to bribe the children who go on the tour to bring him the gobstopper. Tim Burton wisely chose to leave that out of this movie.

Visual

Quite stunning. Key visuals include the dirty, leaning shanty that the Bucket family lives in, the snow-covered town bustling with people, the huge, mysterious factory, and so on. It is quite easy to buy into the visuals’ hook, line and sinker here–and that’s all before entering the factory. The factory itself is filled with awe-inspiring CGI and even real creations of candy and chocolate. Everything in the factory is made to look straight from the pages of the original book, and the execution is absolutely flawless. Another signature visual is the use of only one Oompa Loompa (Deep Roy) and using CGI to recreate Oompa Loompas in the hundreds. But, this is no cheesy effect. Deep Roy actually acted out several different movements per scene, and all were added together to create each scene. Perfectly executed.

Audio

I can’t stress enough how happy I am that “Cheer up Charlie” did not make it into the update. God I hated that song. Plus, all the Oompa Loompa songs are catchy and original, and none of them sound the same. This really helps make a different feel for the movie: it doesn’t quite seem so rehearsed, instead it really seems much more on-the-spot. As for sound effects, nothing truly stunning to speak of, but all was done very tastefully and noting seemed out of place.

Acting

Everything in this section was quite spot-on. Johnny Depp perfectly played the reclusive chocolate king. From the flashbacks to the confused looks, everything about Willy Wonka was fantastically executed by Depp. As for the other actors, they all gave remarkable performances, but I think you’d have to watch the movie to truly respect the performances.

Summary

For all you people who refuse to open their minds to this movie, you’re all jerks. This movie rocked. And I say that from a professional standpoint of course (I don’t see your movie reviews on websites, do I?). So here’s the final word: unclench that butthole a bit and go rent this movie. I’m sure blockbuster will have a copy or twelve, and I highly doubt my review is going to make twelve people in every major city go to blockbuster and rent this movie. Anyway, I do need to summarize and say that this movie was a far superior update from the old vintage seventies flick with Gene Wilder. Even if you don’t believe everything I said prior to this point, I very strongly recommend this movie to people of all ages. It’s worth your time, I promise. Oh and LilPickle? I expect you to borrow this movie any day now…*

5 Squirrels’ nuts out of 5

*Editor’s Note: …And I expect one of these days I’ll get a review from you that we can agree on its star rating, but that doesn’t mean either will happen. I just want to clarify that I refuse to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ever again, and because of that, I don’t want to watch this version. It’s like a mouse hitting the shock button the first time and later being told it was changed to the food release button–I still won’t risk getting shocked when the old food release button continues to work. Damn scientists.

A Mel Brooks written flick with singing and dancing? No way!

I’m sure you all remember seeing trailers for this flick, you know, the new Mel Brooks produced and written movie? With the singing and dancing? Yeah, that’s the one. It really bombed seriously hardcore in the box office. But you want to know the real shocker about this musical (and not just that I, a mechanic, actually watched a musical)? This movie was freakin’ great. It came out at the same time as some huge flick, but for all my searching on imdb.com, I could not figure out which movie. That really was unfortunate though, because this movie, in my opinion, could be one of the best to come out in 2005. And I have never watched a musical that I actually enjoyed, so that’s saying a whole lot. Set in the 1950s and starring Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman, Nathan Lane, and Will Ferrell, nothing about this movie disappoints. It’s fun, entertaining, captivating, thrilling, and sometimes a little gay (by a little I mean–damn).

Plot

Down-on-his-luck Broadway producer Max Bialystock (Nathan Lane) and his excitable accountant Leopold Bloom (Matthew Broderick) realize that under the right circumstances, it’s possible to make more money with a broadway flop than with a hit. So the two scheme together to create the ultimate Broadway flop of all time. The two procure the worst play ever written: “Springtime for Hitler” written by the psychotically devoted pigeon-farming, ex-nazi Franz Liebkind (Will Ferrell). Then they hire the worst director possible, a flamboyantly gay cross-dresser. Then they hire (mostly by mistake) a beautiful Swedish blonde named Ulla (Uma Thurman) to star in the flop. But just before the premiere, Franz Liebkind who was supposed to play Hitler, breaks his leg. And taking over for him: the flamboyantly gay director. Due to the acting of this director, the show is a hit. This leaves Max and Leo in an awful pickle that leads from one twist to another right until the end of the movie (not to mention multiple fascinating singing and dancing scenes).

Visual

Very cool. The Producers accurately portrays life in New York in the 50’s and the lighting is fascinating. Just when you think the scene is getting bland, some cool lighting or a strangely dressed director pops into view. Very impressive, and I could not find any real flaws in the visuals of this flick. Extra props to the choreographers of this movie, it was very impressive to see such high-name actors dancing in time and with accuracy.

Audio

The music in this movie was very impressive, the wording was creative and comical and perhaps a touch melodramatic at times, but is so excellently performed that you almost forget that they are singing, it just seems like better acting. As for other audio touches, there’s nothing to really mention. Any sound effects were good but not overwhelming, and in a movie like this it fit exactly the way it should have. God damn the singing was great.

Acting

The actors just flat out made this movie. Everyone’s performances were spot on. Even Will Ferrell didn’t damage the movie by overacting, as he often does. But the acting and musical acting was absolutely flawless. I really can’t stress enough how excellent all the actors and actresses were here, especially Matthew Broderick. His performance as the manic, excitable, compulsive accountant was excellent.

Summary

Nothing about this movie disappoints me. I actually felt like it was a musical that anyone can enjoy. From young children to old adults, you can easily appreciate the subtle humor, the obvious humor, and the melodramatic humor. All while enjoying stellar vocal performances from everyone in the cast. And the dancing is pretty damn good too. If you only rent one movie this summer, I strongly recommend this. Even if it does seem a little long for a musical, the ending fits flawlessly into the rest of the movie, so the extra time is well worth it.

5 “Adolf Elizibeth Hitler?” out of 5

A fun game that most people can enjoy, just not me

Good games for the PSP are hard to come by these days. So when I played Daxter I was hoping for the best. I heard many PSPers excited about Daxter and even read many reviews praising this game (I’m so ashamed I needed other people’s opinions to review this). What did I find when I played it? I think all those gamers have forgotten what an excellent game is.

I can’t be too critical of it though. This review may be biased because I prefer shooting things dead rather than jumping on their heads as in platformers. And I can’t really say I’m a fan of the Jak & Daxter games. But I swear I gave it a good whirl, and I did have fun at times.

So what is a game with a naughty ottsel about? Well, you escape the baddies by the hair’s length on your tail, but your friend Jak doesn’t. So you make it your mission to free him… by temp working as an exterminator, of course. You’ll fly-swat and spray-gun your way through a number of levels until the story finally catches up with you. The charm of this game comes from the characters. Who knew ottsels were so witty and spunky? Fun minigames (all of them timing, Simon Says style) provide solid entertainment after a long day’s bug killing, but sadly, they lose their flavor quickly even with the hilarious movie rip-offs. Other segments have you chasing down some monster insect or gunning for your driver; we’ve seen it all before.

Audio design and visuals are light and pleasant as expected for a ESRB rated E platformer. Further, Daxter has the best controls I’ve seen on the PSP yet, making this a great game for anyone to just pick up and play. Secrets and unlockable extras help keep this game from sitting on a shelf, plus the multiplayer functionality adds to its greatness. But I was disappointed with how un-driven I was to play Daxter. I never crave it and probably won’t work to get my perfectionist side’s 100% completion. The multiplayer bug battles seem like a flimsy, unfinished game of rock-paper-scissors where your rock is a pebble, your paper is riddled with holes, and your scissors are “special”. Every problem I have with this game I’m sure is just personal taste, so hardcore gamers may want to save their money for Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops instead. There was so much charm and pleasantness coming from my PSP I had to play Doom for a while to regain normality. This sort of thing just isn’t my game, but children and light gamers may find it irresistible.

Parents and overbearing politicians can have peace-of-mind, too: I thoroughly tested this game and found no drinking of hot caffeinated beverages made from a particular variety of bean. I certainly don’t want mass controversy over a 10+ game jumping to an 18+ game considering how much a 17+ to 18+ game twisted everyone’s panties (didn’t anyone ever consider the fact that GTA: SA was already a mature rated title? Apparently not even the politicians and parents weren’t “mature” enough to play that game). Really people, stop with the squabbling and finger pointing and take responsibility for your own damn kids. Thus concludes my rant–back to the review. Where was I?

Daxter doesn’t redefine the genre, but it does everything flawlessly. So after adjusting my biased score, I’m immediately finding myself a violent, dirty, hooker-murder simulator.

4 cute overload vomits out of 5