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I will always heart Morgan Webb and want to hump her leg, but X-play’s review of Red Orchestra is off target.

Red Orchestra is dear to me. That’s because X-play’s review of this game actually aroused me. But that’s only (I swear) because Morgan is so hot when she’s angry–and boy was she hot. So when the free trial from steam came a knocking, I thought I’d at least give it a try. I’ve taken some time before starting this review though because I needed recovery time from all the previous WWII games I’ve just finished playing.

World War II with a Twist

Red Orchestra Ostfront 41-45 is just that: the side of the war between the Russians and Nazis. That idea alone is a refreshing change to the genre. Who wants to do Omaha beach again? Instead you’ll be pitted against the world’s players online in battles that only Pookie-the-history-major has ever heard of. But it’s not all the same stuff over and over again. The many battles provide a nice variety of game styles ranging from armor battles to tight, narrow, guns-blazing city fights to open farmland struggles for the barn. Livestock deserve freedom from Nazi rule, too.

For those that haven’t seen the X-play review, the catch is definitely the realism factor. There is not a single HUD crosshair in sight, reloading takes anywhere from 4 seconds to 20 seconds, there is no indicator telling how many bullets are left in your clip, and the Russians really do stink to high heaven. I can’t thank the developers enough for getting Morgan so flustered with the lack of balance between fun and realism.♥♥♥

Shaken and on the Rocks

The only real drawback to this game is the learning curve. Imagine learning a flight simulator that doesn’t come with tutorials or a flight instructor. Sadly, that learning curve is a huge turn-off. For most freakin’ n00bs, it takes them 20 minutes just to figure out what their teammates look like. The next obstacle to overcome is realizing the default controls are shit. When you have to stop moving to reach across the keyboard and hit “i” just to look down the sights, you generally won’t survive to pull the trigger. With comfortably defined controls though, the pace picks up and creates some of the most intense moments in online gaming EVER. The attractive thing about going for realism is the intensity doesn’t have to be faked.

The last bit to learn on your way of becoming pro is that you need to work as a team. Though there’ll always be the camping sniper, there’ll always be the idiot that can’t find his way out of the spawn, and there’ll always be the Leroy Jenkins, you need a decent team to get anywhere. VoIP is great, as with any Steam game, and should be used to avoid friendly fire and coordinate attacks. Further, there is no radar showing friendly locations, just a crude map that only shows general landmarks (and of course you have to reach all the way across the keyboard to open this map by default).

Naked Pirates and Bearded Clams

So with lack of “fun,” steep learning curve, and idiot team, there has to be some saving grace, right? I was ready to give up on this game and declare it even worse than Battlefield 2 *ooh, burn and zing*, but then I played a tank centric battle and was instantly hooked. Exhilarating is the only word to describe the experience. Even if the tank shells ricochet more than statistics would show, nothing is more fun than totally owning an entire squadron of enemy tanks. The limits that realism places on your ability to survey the battlefield or to completely ninja somebody is the reason most people won’t like this game at first glance, but this is also the reason true strategists will love this game. And I don’t want to make Morgan to look bad, but X-play’s review of this game is way off. Once you realize how intense this game can be, you become much more open to having fun while playing it–no matter how the realism gets in the way. This is because you soon discover maps such as KonigsPlatz or guns such as the STG. And there is a wonderful balance between on-foot combat and tank combat that Battlefield 2 only wishes it could attain. So after looking beyond the interface problem, this is one of the best experiences for multiplayer shooters.

Last Call

I wouldn’t go as far to say that this is a niche market game because everyone loves a fun game–it just takes some patience and a reworking of the default controls. Once you’ve learned the intricacies of it though, it makes for a wonderful time. Looking through the scope of one of these sniper rifles to stop an entire wave of enemies short of their goal is fun and functional, especially if one of them is cocky and thinks he’s safe looking through is little viewport on his tank. Or if you still don’t find it entertaining, take a few shots of Russian vodka before taking shots at the Nazis like I did for this review… you’ll definitely be having fun then. Red Orchestra Ostfront 41-25 verges on a four, but due to the high learning curve, I can only give it 3 Nazi-killing-shots-of-vodka out of 5.

Ninjas in paradise

What, another first person shooter? Come on King, have some creativity. Oh wait, I’m King. So screw you, I like first person shooters. And this one just happens to be one of the best FPS games to on PC since the original Half Life and before the second Half Life. You could almost say it’s the middle child of two greats, and it’s pretty damn great itself. Although the plot isn’t terribly sensible, it’s fairly obvious that the game makers were trying to make the game seem more like a big budget action movie with you as the main character. And in that they succeeded, the game does make you feel like you’re the head honcho of some poorly developed movie with great action.

You play as the character Jack Carver, a “wrong time wrong place” kind of guy with a penchant for Hawaiian shirts and killing things. You are hired to drive this chick around some pacific island chain in your boat, until you are attacked and stranded on an island full of mercenaries who all want the same thing: you, dead. You then find yourself jammed into helping save the chick you were boating around, and killing every mercenary and strange creature that just happens to get in your way. Like I mentioned, the plot is not all that creative or even different, but it really works for the theme of the game and actually adds a sense of purpose to the brutal killing.

One of the greatest things about this game is the graphics. You actually fight in the jungle. Not really any set paths, you just kind of wander around in the jungle through the flora and fauna, and the water in this game is beyond stunning. Even with my computer set on low for the water, it looks so realistic you can actually believe you were there. The only complaint with the graphics is the character animation, which seems a bit on the overdone side. The island chain that you get to explore has just about everything you would want from this game: you get to wander in the jungle, jump off cliffs, jump off of waterfalls, boat around the picturesque water and beaches, climb mountains to penetrate WWII bunkers, even the final scene in the game is a giant volcano, which is extremely well made and believable.

The game also handles excellently. The controls are easy to use and sensible, although I did change a few around to what I usually use. I’m sure I could have used the default controls happily without too much grief. There is a stealth gauge on your heads up display allowing you to be ninja and sneak around in the jungle stalking your opponents, and doing such sneaking is very effective. You can crouch, go prone, sprint, whatever you need to do to be ninja, or you also can skip the ninja crap and just go in head first, guns blazing. This also handles fantastic and just the way it should. The game actually seems designed to handle both ninjas and rambos, and it accomplishes it quite well.

As for the enemy A.I., it’s very obvious that the game makers spent some time making the mercenaries act like they would in real life. They hide, they run from cover to cover; they sprint at you and everything. They really act like you would expect from years of training and bloodlust. Or something. But, it feels right. You don’t go through the game thinking “stupid A.I., you should be able to do that!” in all reality it seems more like “stupid A.I., he doesn’t even know he’s about to be killed with a machete…” and I really like that. When an enemy spots you but isn’t sure, they exclaim “did you here that?” or something to that effect. All in all, the enemy A.I. really enhances the experience of the game by being exactly the way it should be.

The friendly A.I. (what little there is), however, isn’t as perfect. When you finally get to a point where they’re shooting alongside you, their stupidity reigns. They jump in the way, go charging when you try to be ninja, or don’t attack when you’re trying to be a rambo. It’s obnoxious, but there are precious few friendlies in the game, so the fact that the A.I. is a bit underdeveloped here does not detract from the overall quality of the game.

So, whether you’re in the mood for a great FPS or sneaking around in the jungle like a ninja, this game satisfies everything you’d want. This game truly is great, it’s got points that scare the fuck out of you, and points that are just flat fun. You drive vehicles; shoot down helicopters, and much, much more. This game has just about everything you want, including nearly unlimited replayability thanks to the many different ways you can do each level. Like I mentioned before, this game’s only real handicaps are the poor character animation in cut scenes and the retarded friendly A.I. But it also has another drawback you should be aware of: glitchiness. Get ready to be slightly annoyed at the ladders, or simply dumbfounding moments. But once again, it’s very easy to overlook these glitches for the overall quality of this excellent FPS. I give Far Cry 4 Hawaiian shirt clad ninja wanabes out of 5.

Did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Well Kevin Smith fans, here it is: the final (?) portion of the Jay and Silent Bob series, and the sequel to the ultimate cult classic low budget indie film. And, this one didn’t suck nearly as bad as Jersey Girl (or so I’m told, anyway, I haven’t had a chance to watch that one just yet) and in many ways is actually better than the original. Kevin Smith really hit a career high here, although I have to admit it was quite obvious that he is working with a budget that exceeds what he spent on the original Clerks (27,000 bucks I believe the original came in at). And that increased budget really added to the “shiny” factor here, but in many ways it was really refreshing to see a Smith movie that wasn’t so “run of the mill” in its cinematography and backgrounds. Starring very common names for these movies, you can expect to see cameos from Ben Affleck and Jason Lee and the previously no-name actors and actresses that made Smith’s movies really shine. For those that have seen Clerks and laughed hysterically at that one chick having sex with the dead guy, get ready to laugh even harder at the sexually deviant scene in this movie. Oh…gotta finish…

Plot

It’s another day in the lives of our anti-heroes from the original Clerks, Dante and Randal. Only this time, the Quick Stop has been burnt to the ground, and Dante and Randal have taken to the job market and become employed at the local Mooby’s Fast Food joint. It is here that their day-to-day adventures take place. Yet again, Dante bitches about his place in life, and Randal seeks to correct him. The two battle it out once again and once yet again they become even stronger friends. During all this time, Dante struggles to straighten out his love life during a battle where he is stuck between two hot chicks. So really, more right from the same ideals and dialogue of the original Clerks. The only difference here is that Dante and Randal are a bit older, although less immature, and the movie is overall in higher quality. So props go once again to Kevin Smith, this movie is fantastic. The plot is well created and thoroughly thought out which makes the movie easy and enjoyable to watch, all the while making you laugh so hard you really have to see it again.

Visual

Like I mentioned before, it’s pretty darn obvious that Kevin Smith is dealing with a much bigger budget in this movie, and one of the places that it shows the most is in the cinematography. Instead of the typical and somewhat boring visual effects that Smith uses in earlier movies (especially Clerks the original), he actually employs cinema graphic effects that are creative and fairly unique if not a little dizzying in a few points. Plus, the jiggly-jiggly tits in the dance scene makes me excited for the DVD so I can use the slow motion feature on my player…but anyway, just another point where Smith really shines. The only bad thing I can say about the visual effects in this movie is the fire in the windows of the Quick Stop at the very beginning of the flick. The fire is obviously not real. But otherwise, every bit of visual effect in this movie is outstanding and far about the quality of typical Smith directed flicks.

Audio

Smith’s choice of music once again stands above any other movie that’s come out in years. I don’t know how he does it, but every movie he makes seems to have better music than the ones prior to it. Smith, you genius, keep up the great work. I think I might just go and “buy” this soundtrack…tee hee…anyway. As for sound effects, there isn’t a whole lot to mention because this is a comedy and not a high dollar action movie. But, the sound works right where it needed to. There was no struggling to understand what was being said, and the voice volume is appropriate and well planned. And the donkey was very believable…oh, gotta finish. Right. Moving on.

Acting

Yet another point where this movie really shines is the acting. Brian O’Halloran and Jeff Anderson (Dante and Randal, respectively), although considerably (and depressingly) older, are in rare form. There was actually a moment I though Jeff Anderson might break down in tears. And every bit of the acting was well performed and quite believable. Even Jason Mewes was in rare and believable form.

Summary

The more I look back on this movie and compare to the original, the more I love the sequel. The only thing missing in this movie that was present in the original was the general feeling of under-budget cult classic independent film portrayed by the black and white splendor. But, that is easily is forgivable by looking at the overall quality of this movie. Plus, the dialogue is far superior to the original, and considerably more comical. I was actually going to give this movie a 4, but after thinking back at the movie and comparing to the original Clerks, I simply cannot degrade this movie that far. It was just too good. So, in a final saying, I give Clerks II

5 Oh, gotta finish…

…out of 5

Kick the tires and light the fires! It’s time for speed!

Oh dear sweet baby Jesus, we thank you for Will Ferrell, the nasty, sexy-hot sport of NASCAR, and Walker Texas Ranger (or T.R. as we like to call him). Please bless this review and thanks for making America the most kick-ass nation on the planet. Oh and due to contractual obligations during grace, I’d also like to pray for Powerade and a successful release of their new flavor. Amen.

…Yeah right, like our reviews have ever been graced by anything other than an insult from our readers.

Momma, I’m going fast!

Ricky Bobby, the man who could only count to one, not only was born for speed but he was born at a hundred miles an hour in the back of a Chevelle. At the age of ten, his weed smoking vagrant father shows up for career day out of nowhere and gives Ricky the idea that, “If you aren’t first, you’re last.” This inspires Ricky and his best bud Cal to be race car drivers, but they don’t wind up exactly where they hoped. Being in the pit crew for the NASCAR team in dead last, Ricky is suddenly given the chance to shine as a driver and shocks everyone with a win. In an instant, their lives are turned around by fame and money, and soon Ricky and Cal are the top drivers in NASCAR. Ricky in his fame marries the sizzling-hot (Ow!) and gold-digging Carley, and they have two incredibly f*cked up kids: Walker and Texas Ranger. But because his #1 attitude and arrogance loses points for the team, the owner, Larry Dennit Jr., brings on the gay French “Formule Un” champion Jean Girard to win championships. Ricky, frustrated by being beaten off-track by the Frenchman, takes matters into his own hands during a race but ends up in a spectacular crash that leaves Ricky psychosomatic and traumatized. And to make things worse, his lifelong buddy Cal has stolen his job, wife, and home. But the broken and ruined Ricky Bobby realizes with help from his mother and returned father that he shouldn’t give up that easily. For the rest of the movie, Ricky learns the true meaning of being a family and rediscovers who he is–and Ricky Bobby is not a thinker, Ricky Bobby is a driver!

Psychosomatic? So what… he can start fires with his mind powers?

It’s been quite a while since I’ve personally seen a Will Ferrell flick on the silver screens; since Old School in fact. But if you’ve seen one of his movies, you can pretty much tell what kind of character he plays in any of them. I think it’s impossible for Will Ferrell to not play the buffoon. But thankfully for this movie, Ricky Bobby is the first character that naturally fits with Will’s one-track acting mind. Going into this one, I was afraid all the funny parts were run dry in the previews, but was pleasantly surprised by the number of laughs I got from the supporting actors. This has got to be Michael Clarke Duncan’s funniest role ever, and I would love to see him try for more. Will’s SNL co-star Molly Shannon was also a riot, even though all she had to do was be drunk and zany. John C. Reilly also has an amazing chemistry with Will; “Shake and Bake” might have something to do with it. But perhaps the funniest lines were from Walker and Texas Ranger (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) as they changed from obnoxious brats into Sunday school goers that even compliment the food at Applebee’s.

Was that Elvis Costello and Mos Def?

The movie lacks coherence big time. It feels like things were left on the cutting room floors or just plain never made it into the script. Like Ricky’s newly discovered true love Susan (what some might consider an important role) only gets a few lines when she deserves much more. It also seems to contradict Ricky’s new outlook by yet again focusing only on himself. Plus, Ricky’s relationships with a number of characters seem unresolved by the end. What the hell is up with Chip? Was he just there for Walker and Texas Ranger to torment? I know it’s a comedy and certainly not a tear jerker, but coherence isn’t something to be tossed around like a Tom Cruise joke.

So Will Ferrell finally makes his acting and comedy style work together for a part, and NASCAR is finally parodied. Who could ask for anything more? It is definitely good for some laughs and is a nice summer flick, but don’t expect it to win any awards–and we here at amplizine hand out awards as fast as we hand over the booze money to the cashier. I’d even go as far to say we’re the award sluts of the critics’ world. That’s why I give Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby 3 stars, and if you’re not first, you’re last.

Amplizine Awards

• NASCAR Movie of the Year

More war at amplizine. We just can’t escape it.

Only the dead have seen the end of war. The game industry hasn’t even been looking for the end. We will always have an abundant supply of war games. This time around, it is yet another World War II game: Call of Duty. Is this the game to end all other WWII games? Well, it’s definitely a great game, but no one can stop the war machine from chugging along.

Join the Army, See the World, Meet Interesting People, Kill Them

You play as a number of soldiers in the Allied armies, fighting the forces of evil in the European theater. Prepare for missions through dangerous enemy territory taking out artillery, nabbing secret documents, infiltrating Nazi warships, defending Stalingrad, and racing for Berlin. I so get tired of repeating this stuff. How can you not know what a World War II game is about? Ever try reading a history book? You know… those things with sheets of paper in them?

Well, it’s no longer the most unique storyline, but that won’t keep you from having a good time in this shooter. Gameplay is so well balanced that you never get tired of doing what you are doing–you don’t just run from point to point shooting everything that moves. One moment, you’ll be making your way through war-torn houses, and then you soon find yourself under fire crawling through trenches. Just when that starts to seem a little drab, the game stays on top of it and changes to something new. This makes a game chocked full of memorable moments such as the car chase or your escape through the bulkheads and passageways of the battleship–but that doesn’t mean it’s simply a collection of high-action moments thrown together. The progression of events and the way Call of Duty involves you in them is nearly flawless, and that alone raises the rating to high marks.

The Technology of War

The graphics and sound design, though they are showing their age these days, are well done but not stunning. It’s kind of unfair to compare Call of Duty to its sequel, but because of the timing of our reviews, it can’t be helped. The graphics, I have no problem with seeing as how technology changes so fast with regard to them, but the audio design I feel comfortable with pointing out. Compared to Call of Duty 2, the audio here sounds flat and not nearly as sophisticated. All too often the importance of audio design is overlooked, and these two games are great examples. Call of Duty doesn’t create the same kind of moving atmosphere that 2 tries for, and I believe it is solely because of the sound’s flatness. Thankfully, Call of Duty is such a great experience gameplay-wise that the lack of perfection in the audio design isn’t even a problem. I’d only have to punish the game if it thought it could get away with just beeps and boops. But there are some cool, big names for voice actors in this game, namely Jason Statham and Giovanni Ribisi. Bonus points for that.

Making Friends Through War

There is a rather decent multiplayer in Call of Duty as well. I honestly don’t play it, but from what I’ve seen, it is popular and fun enough for people to be playing it 3 years later. Plus, I’ve seen many entertaining battles on Arena when G4 was still concerned with video games, so it can’t be all bad. But just as with Call of Duty 2, I want to rate this game based solely on its singleplayer experience. The fun enough multiplayer is just a bonus.

Make the Other Bastard Die for His Country

If you somehow avoided the hundreds of WWII games that have come out since 1995 and suddenly gained an interest in the genre, then this is the place to start. It is a fully rounded and fun shooter that should only be missed if you’ve got a World War II game hangover. I have no problem rewarding Call of Duty with our highest marks and giving it a 5 out of 5.

I finally get around to writing the third review of a major Luc Besson flick.

French punk chick turned assassin? Yes, please! I love Luc Besson; he is one of the best movie makers out there. His films might not be the most provocative or the most suspenseful and intriguing, but his storytelling style is unique in just the right kind of way–nothing Spielberg about it!

This isn’t some crappy series on USA

So this cold hard bitch kills a cop when her gang tries to rob a store, and rather than receiving the expected sentence, she is handed over to a secret organization in the government to be trained as an assassin. Resistant to everything at first, she slowly realizes her life up till now has been a complete waste, and she matures into a beautiful and sophisticated lady. But her true purpose since given the second chance at life has been hidden from her. As the story unfolds, Nikita falls in love and tries to live a normal life but can’t escape her duties as an assassin and her loyalty to Bob, the man who saved her.

This isn’t even a movie seen in the USA

Oh, and did I mention this is a French movie? You’ll have to read subtitles if you don’t understand French, or if you can’t read, the voice-over is done well enough that it doesn’t interfere with the experience. So on that note, the acting is good either way. French actors, especially the veteran Tchéky Karyo, just have a certain flair that is rarely seen in American actors. Whether you listen to his voice and read the subtitles or wimp out and listen to the voice actor in English, the performance is powerful and gripping. Having said that, there are also parts I just don’t fully understand; I guess knowing French is vital for them. Like when Nikita gives a present to the computer expert and starts singing (screaming), I have no clue what is going on. But overall, each of the main actors (Anne Parillaud, Jean-Hugues Anglade, Tchéky Karyo, and Jean Reno) does a wonderful job. Wow, I almost forgot to mention Jean Reno and his part. His character’s name is Victor, but I’ll be damned if he wasn’t the inspiration for Leon in the Professional.

La Femme Nikita demonstrates to its greatest Luc Besson’s storytelling ability. Characters are developed so well and dialog is so well planned that you can’t help but be wrapped up in it. Then there are moments of humor, action, and sensitivity that are perfectly balanced and timed, creating a movie anyone can enjoy. The soundtrack by Eric Serra further enhances the movie by always being where it needs to be. Not for an instant is the music offbeat, and every bit of it serves a purpose.

But this is on DVD in the USA

I question those who watch Luc Besson movies and don’t love them immediately. What’s so great about them is they reinforce your love of his other movies. La Femme Nikita is an essential in my opinion, and Leon the Professional and the Fifth Element I enjoy just as much, if not more. But if you are stubborn and just can’t stand subtitles or dubbing, there was an American remake of La Femme Nikita called Point of No Return. I don’t make any promises about that one, but I can promise Nikita is a 4 out of 5.

Duty needs to learn to stop calling all the time or just leave a message.

So the other day I got this call… it was Duty, again. He was saying I had to go fight in some war they’re calling dubya dubya 2. I said, “You’re crazy! I already shot those damn Nazis so many times before. How do they keep coming back?” But I never got an answer because that asshole hung up on me. I sat there for a minute thinking of what I should do. Eventually, I wistfully started to put on my ass-kicking boots, grabbed my Thompson, and headed for the door.

Frag the weak, hurdle the dead

The Greatest Generation is once again in the fight for justice, morality, and their very lives in Call of Duty 2. Just as in the previous CoD, you play as everyday soldiers in the British, Russian, and American armies in the European theater against the Nazis. I wonder what my lifetime Nazi killcount is up to by now–I mean I’ve been killing Nazis since B-17 Bomber back on Intellivision.  A tenth of a million sounds close enough.

If you’ve played any WW2 game… no wait, if you’ve even heard of WW2, you can pretty much predict what kinds of things you’ll see in CoD2. Assaulting this bunker, defending this position, calling in artillery, and jumping on a mounted machine gun are the typical situations you’ll find yourself in. But there are a few special segments that interrupt the run-of-the-mill stuff, such as commanding a tank or manning an AA gun. You’ll win the war with the two guns you are allowed to carry, but you’ll also find yourself occasionally switching them out for the weapons scattered on the battlefield as things get hairy. And you’ll never be alone in the struggle as friendly squads are everywhere supporting you.

Where’s the beef?

If Call of Duty is considered the first perfect World War 2 shooter, what can they possibly do for a sequel? I mean we’ve seen every mission and locale already from the hundreds of other games, and they weren’t all bad. The WW2 game cash cow’s teats have got to be chafing and sore by now.

Well fear not (or at least not too much), Call of Duty 2 delivers when it comes to a unique experience. Though it isn’t original, nearly everything about it is extremely well done. Mmmmm, well done cash cow… From the sound of Messerschmitts and P-51s roaring overhead, to the adrenaline rush you get when taking cover from a hidden MG nest, you will be completely immersed in this game.

Is it hot enough for ya?

The graphics, though sluggish at times and not entirely tweaked, can be breathtaking. Even the smoke looks like they spent at least a week crafting it. The audio design is spectacular and adds more to the experience than anything else. Battlefield 2 should be ashamed of itself after hearing this game’s sound (I said I’d never let that game forget). And then the scripted sequences are perfectly planned and well executed. The tanks rolling overhead with you in the trench immediately below them is suspenseful, but crawling through the pipes when stray fire pierces the metal all around you is even more dramatic.

New gameplay changes really help create such a powerful atmosphere. Long gone are the days of searching for medpacs because you no longer have a health meter. CoD2 takes more of a Halo approach by not allowing you to take too many hits in a short time. This allows you to focus more on the battle and never leaves you in a difficult spot with only a sliver of health. Plus, those damn Nazis can be quite fierce, making you play smart rather than Rambo-ing it. Smoke grenades and cover are your best friends (especially the dead cow variety of cover), so tactics are emphasized.

Now for the dirty of the so called “dozen”

Who programmed this fucking A.I.? The enemy seems to think you are a general, and your friendlies must think you have blanks in your cartridge. What happened to “no one soldier wins a war,” or “there’s no I in team?” Don’t expect to be able to run in the open–even if you bait the Nazis with friendlies–because they always drop everything to shoot at little ol’ you. A battalion could be between you and the enemy, but they’ll bother to shoot at you first. So when you get a chance to return fire, you are determined to make them count. Nope, Pvt. Dickweed thinks it’s more important for him to get a look than it is for you to shoot the guy he wants to see. It never fails, too. Just as you are about to take a shot, some goofus gets in the way. I’m normally good with ff, but because of your generally limited point of view looking down the sights, and the massive part of the screen that it takes, you don’t have any warning for the impending stupidity. And if that isn’t the problem, they certainly will get right behind you, eliminating the possiblity of a quick escape. I find this problem is easily remedied by a swift rifle butt to the face.

Play against anyone in the world in World War II

Yeah, there is a multiplayer mode, but this is clearly a singleplayer game. What? Why do you care so much? Fine, I’ll talk about it if it will appease you. You pick up some guns, shoot each other, and repeat. What? You want more? Fine, there are Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch, Capture the Flag, Headquarters, and Search & Destroy modes. But I’m honestly not rating this game with multiplayer in mind. “It’s no CS” says it all.

So who wins?

*SPOILER ALERT* In a surprise twist, the Nazis win at the end. Okay, that’s an outright lie. The developers win for creating a great game, and Activision definitely wins for making more money, but I don’t know if the gamers win. I don’t think we need more WW2 games right now. In fact, I think I’ve got WW2 game bulimia. But then again, the only downfall to this game, other than the bingeing, is the annoying A.I. (I swear it’s taunting me).

Bottom line: CoD2 is an excellent game worthy of praise. The experience it provides is amazing and unforgettable. People that have never played such a great game should start here, but people that have played other WW2 games might be disappointed by it. We’ve seen and done it all before and would rather play some other multiplayer game. Only the gamers that can’t get enough of the WW2 shooters will fully enjoy this title.

4 beef cakes out of 5

No cows were harmed in the making of this game

Who loves to shoot Nazis? Hmm? That’s right; everyone on this green earth who isn’t a Nazi likes to shoot Nazis. Perhaps that is one reason why this game is so freaking awesome. Perhaps it also helps that you play as a wide variety of different soldiers, from British to American to Soviet (sorry, no German, although you do get to impersonate one for a while). Or maybe it’s the weapons. There seems to be more than enough weapons to keep you entertained and plenty to splatter some Nazi brain matter on the walls. And the Nazis just keep on comin’. It don’t get much better than that. Unless you can snag two Nazis in one beautifully placed sniper shot, that might be better. But this game offers all that and more.

The graphics in this game are excellent, even for a game already two years old; you can easily find yourself drawn into the game and barely even notice the beings you are slaughtering are only AI. Enemy character animation is also very good, they lean around corners and look intent on killing you, they run when they should and hide when they should and look proper doing it. In fact, the enemy characters look very convincing, you can hardly see any blocky forms in them, and you have to be damn close to see that. There are also several different enemy character models, so you really don’t feel like you’re just killing the same dude over and over. However, the faces are all the same, so it loses its convincing effects after a short time, but who cares? You’re just going to shoot them directly in the face anyway. What does it matter if it looks the same? The friendly animation is not as impressive, although each face looks different and everyone has a different name, they often look like retards bounding around in the fields, the movements seem extremely ungainly. As for the environments, the only thing bad I have to say is about the water. It looks like they took a small pattern for the water and just repeated it over and over, you can actually see the water pattern repeating, and that’s just not right. But all other textures and patterns in the game are fantastic, and once again, you barely even notice that it’s not real. Even the dead cows look pretty damn good. You know, for a dead cow.

The AI in this game was supposed to be extremely advanced, at least according to LilPickle, but I can tell you I found nothing but disappointment in the AI. The enemy AI seems to have a knack for knowing exactly where you are and shooting only at you, no matter how many other soldiers there are to shoot, no matter how well you are hidden, no matter how many ninjas you T-bagged, and no matter how much cheetah blood you drank this morning. And that really pisses me off. One of the taglines for this game is “no war is won by just one man” or something. But if that were true, then why does the enemy AI instinctively know to fire directly at you? That doesn’t make much sense to me. This seems to apply even when you go into ninja mode and try and sneak around the back of the enemy, they always turn and shoot you, even if you are prone on the ground and moving slow to make no noise. They always know right where you are. But otherwise it’s not too bad, the enemies do try to duck and hide, they run and dive and crouch and everything. Hell, if you get close enough to them they’ll actually strike you with the butt of their gun. It’s just the way they shoot that really pisses me off. As for the friendly AI, get ready to get irritated. Just when you’re about to snap off this awesome sniper shot at the unsuspecting enemy, one of your friendlies just happens to jump directly in front of your shot, and you unwittingly shoot him directly in the face. And then you’re all like what the fuck? But it doesn’t matter, because the Nazi you were supposed to shoot then manages to kill you while you slam the next shell into the rifle. And that concludes my main complaint with this game. Stupid AI.

The missions in this game are all very good, and they mostly get harder as you go along, although some tend to be easier as long as you have some skill with a sniper rifle. However, not all of the episodes are the same length, nor do they get longer the later the game gets. It kind of skips around a bit and seems a little unorganized the way its setup. But, that’s only a minor detail and I can easily overlook it for the extremely high quality of the rest of the game. Missions range from the typical runs of bridges and rescue, to the non-typical run of Stalingrad and sabotage of Nazi boats.

One other thing that really drove me nuts in this game was the controls. They are very non-typical for a first person shooter, which was irritating at first, but after a while it actually becomes much easier to use than you might think. Otherwise, the game handled very well, I never once experienced lag, and only once got irreversibly stuck. The movements seem realistic and well planned; you move fast when you walk and slow when you crouch or go prone. And the speed at which you move in each of those positions feels excellent and just the way it should. Bullets inflict the proper amount of damage on the enemy, and occasionally on you. Overall, the game feels and handles just the way you’d expect from World War II game, and it really helps to add to the feel.

What little multiplayer I actually attempted handled just as good as the rest of the singleplayer game, but I’m just too much of a noob to do any good against those types of people, so I didn’t try for very long. However, it handled well even on my low budget 3 year old machine… so, no complaints here.

So, aside from irritating AI both friendly and enemy, and the lumbering movements of friendly soldiers, this game is excellent. It is so easy to get the hang of, is very challenging and is wonderfully animated. It really feels like a WWII game should, and I have played enough WWII games to know. Call of Duty scores excellently under almost all regards and the few places where it does not score well are easily overlooked for the otherwise excellent quality of this game. So, all in all, I give Call of Duty a shining

4 splattered Nazis and dead cows out of 5

Pookie feared rewriting War and Peace for this review, but LilPickle likes to live dangerously. You’ll need a potty break at some point–it’s that long.

A common thread that runs through all gamers and unites us is a little thing called Star Wars. If you consider yourself a gamer and don’t like Star Wars, then either you’re in denial or you’re just some n00b that thinks someone cares about your defiance and insecure need to stand out. If that’s the case, go find some other website and whine and flame on their forum. You’re bound to get attention that way.

Ah yes, the game. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords isn’t just a sequel with a very long title, it’s yet another fine game based in the Star Wars universe that doesn’t entirely suck. It is most disappointing when the biggest movies of all time have video game relatives that don’t capture our imagination on the scale that the movies have, let alone the fact that they don’t even compare to the quality of many non-movie games. But Knights of the Old Republic changed all that. Since its release, people have nearly forgiven and forgotten the previous releases that were oh so painful. Rebel Assault II comes to mind as well as the dancing wookies of Galaxies. And Battlefront isn’t nearly as good as people believe it to be. I no longer trust the gaming websites out there for Star Wars games reviews after seeing they gave Jedi Power Battles low scores compared to Rebel Assault II. So from this point on, this is the best source for Star Wars reviews. Not a single bias. Nope, not-a-one.

In case you were in a coma in 2003

Under development from BioWare, Knights of the Old Republic wiped the floor with all other games in 2003, taking numerous “Game of the year” awards from all the big magazines and reviewers. I still think it is one of the best games ever. But for the sequel, the development responsibilities were handed over to Obsidian Entertainment for only God knows what reasons. Oh well, it’s the same engine, all they have to do is fix the minor problems and write a new story. How much could they screw it up, right?

A long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away….

As the story goes, the Republic has fallen into a state of disrepair after Revan’s disappearance from known space, and the Republic’s restoration projects on war-ravaged planets are very delicate. You play an exiled Jedi that was cast out because of your participation in the Mandalorian Wars under Revan and Malak and are now living out the rest of your life without a connection to the Force. In your absence, the Sith have been striking from the darkness, slowly dwindling the numbers of the Jedi–eventually they come after you. Rather than minding their Ps and Qs, the rest of the galaxy soon takes notice of you as you are the last Jedi. Sith assassins, dark lords, bounty hunters, the Exchange, and even disgruntled civilians all seek you out for different reasons. You’ll soon be making decisions that appear to be between light and dark on the surface but can have even greater repercussions for the galaxy than you might think. All the while, you’ll gain companions in your quest to figure out exactly what happened to you after the Mandalorian Wars when the Jedi Council exiled you. And as your role finally starts to make sense, battles between light and dark erupt, forcing you to decide the fate of the galaxy.

It’s like they read my mind when I dreamed of one day owning a viridian colored lightsaber

Considering the gameplay in KotOR was near perfection, not much needed to be changed for the sequel. Tweaks here and there to fix issues, maybe vehicles to use when running across vast expanses of planets (that Tatooine sun was a scorcher), possibly some unique Force powers–that’s all I asked for. The new features they did give us, however, are a mix of good and bad.

Not once playing this game did I find a glitch or bug, as could occasionally be done in the first one, but I did get some of the worst frame rates since Steamboat Willie. Actually, if KotORII ran even that good and constant all the time, it might be preferable to the sudden xbox brain farts that drop the average fps so much. I mean I’ve seen games of tic-tac-toe that were faster and more exciting. This sort of thing drives me crazy, and it really takes away from the experience. You’re just about fully enthralled by the battles when suddenly you’re stuck in some awkward pose for a few seconds then awaken to find yourself in a conversation with a random person trying their best to thank you or whatever waiting for you to decide if your gonna be a Jedi or Dark Lord in this conversation. Other technical things that trouble the game are unreliable friendly AIs and loading screens that take way too long and occur way too often. The abundance of loading screens I was sure would be something they’d try to fix from the first game.

So what about those vehicles? sorta… but it isn’t exactly what I was thinking. Each planet provides some unique way of quickly moving from point to point, but it does so through a dialog window simply asking you where you want to go. And it will only let you use the quick transport if you’ve been to that place before and have accomplished some miniature task to get the quick transport working. While this is functional, it doesn’t add any to the experience or even feel Star Warsy. I wanted a little Luke Skywalker speeder or Darth Maul’s Harley, not ANOTHER dialog window to scroll through.

And finally, the biggest changes they made turn out to be the multitude of little additions. There are a few more Force powers to learn, most of your companions have a unique ability, many items are slightly more upgradeable (namely lightsabers have 3 more slots for gizmos), and there are a number of new lightsaber color crystals. Again, these are functional additions and can be fun, but there comes a point where you have to stop shaving the wookie. As an example, they took it too far when they changed Pazaak to have new “special” cards, or when the swoop races have you hopping to avoid obstacles or doing other such hoop-jumping. I would have loved it if they left those alone and added any other kind of minigame–like that holo-chess type thing or foosball or something.

Dark times for the galaxy

All things considered, it’s still the same great game but just not as awesome as the first one. The story seems distant from you and your actions; so even though it is far from linear, it still ends up feeling that way. There are also moments you must make conversation choices that leave you bewildered, thinking, “That’s not what I meant!” I’m saddened they didn’t do a better job of catching these in play testing because contradictory parts and logic gaps make for a story more confusing than an episode of CSI as told by a kid with Dyslexia. Then as if the story didn’t feel disconnected enough yet, the game plays it off that you don’t even know what happened in the first game. All comments you make about Revan, even being male or female, are ignored, and instead you are told about his mysterious disappearance and lack of role in everything. Way to make the 20 times I played the previous 40 hour game meaningless! I understand that to make this new story completely compatible and still valid concerning the number of paths that can be taken would be quite the undertaking. Even just fixing it to say “he” or “she” as appropriate is difficult enough (and a few slip-ups still made it through, making for one extremely confusing segment; stupid pronouns)–don’t even bring up how many variations of every dialog there have to be for light and dark, male and female interactions, and any consequence of your actions.

But considering 95% of the programming and engine were already done for them, it seems like all they had to concentrate on were story, art and voice-acting (which still impresses me with the sheer quantity of it). If the first story branched out to have so many different endings, it seems reasonable to say that it is just as much work to make an upside down tree of the same size to close any story possibility. And was it too far-fetched to think of loading any KOTOR gamesaves and continuing the story from there?

At least Ewoks had nothing to do with the downfall

I love this game, and it is a shining example for Star Wars games, but too many superficial changes and such a disjointed story can’t go unpunished. If the number of times I’ve played each of the two games is any indication, this one just doesn’t live up to its older brother. That’s why I give KotOR II: The Sith Lords 3 shorn wookies out of 5.

The rules of popularity apply similarly for games as they do for celebrities. With so many of them out there, it is important for them to stand out or they’ll end up in the $5 bin smoking man-pole for crack. The methods for standing out have been varied over time, but it usually involves being unique and entertaining even when you look back years later.

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Others stand out in a negative way for how bad they really were.

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Still others stand out by changing their name to an unpronounceable symbol.

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And you’d think that Quake, one of the franchises that started it all, would be among the greatest of games still today–at least that’s what I thought. I’m wrong way too often.

When I got this, I knew that multiplayer was a big part of the product as it is THE arena game. I had played Quake III in the past and thoroughly enjoyed it, and I expected similar from this rendition. So let it be known, I am fully capable of playing arena multiplayer games successfully. But I start this review with multiplayer because I am completely shocked at how retarded my online experience was. I wasn’t expecting to be a pro immediately, but I thought it would at least be a little easier than it was. It was so ridiculous that I lost all desire to even attempt improving. It’s not an atmosphere friendly to n00bs, but even more, it doesn’t make any sense to me. If Quake 4 is the direction all arena games are heading, then the arena genre will only appeal to a small niche and eventually starve to death (as proven by the lack of servers and even greater lack of players in them). Other realistic multiplayer shooters like Counter-strike have matured over the years in a way that doesn’t discount people from having a good time, no matter their previous experience with the game. Arena games need to mature too, but faster gameplay, butt-loads of guns, more power-ups, and gimmicks are like putting frosting on a burnt cake. Since when do all those things define the genre, and why do the devs think more is better? Get back to the basics or find out the hard way how much your game sucks. I feel slightly better now.

Strangely enough, there is a singleplayer story mode glued to the legendary arena multiplayer. Okay, maybe that’s unfair to say. Singleplayer is actually a major chunk of the game, as it is well done with many hours of gameplay, scripted sequences, diverse characters, pleasant level progression, good friendly and enemy AI, and a huge amount of voice acting. There are even some well done vehicle segments. Space marines, especially on your ship ‘the Hannibal,’ usually have something different to say, making the environment feel alive. And when you’re fighting alongside them, they feel intelligent enough to handle on their own, and the enemies are just as good. You’re also given a wide variety of guns that can occasionally be upgraded to further whoop on the baddies. Big fucking deal.

I’m getting tired of the game industry flooding us with so many games like this. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with the game, but Half-life did all of this in 1998–EIGHT FRIGGIN’ YEARS AGO! Every scripted sequence that came along in Quake 4 seemed like a rip-off of Half-life, and the addition of excessive gore to them doesn’t make them any cooler. And to make things worse, the devs seemed to rely on these run-of-the-mill scripted sequences to add flare and “horror” to the mix. It isn’t terrifying or suspenseful–it merely pisses me off when a Strogg tears through the wall that I can’t avoid walking past because it’s the only way to go. Speaking of that, why are the levels so linear? You run from one hallway to a room to open the door for the next hallway while shooting anything in your way. It’s no fucking wonder that the enemy AI seems so good when all they have to do is run at you without getting stuck on a wall. Don’t even get me started on the boss battles where you have to find the one obscure weakness or trick so you can shoot him “for real” (as if the 50 rockets I previously shot were filled with confetti).

I’m happy that games these days are made to such a high quality and that the standards have been raised, but this game is merely the average because of it. The industry will suffer until developers stop making these same old uninspired games because the market is currently overflowing with them. How are gamers supposed to choose between 20 different demon/alien/evil corporation shooters when they are all based on 2 or 3 licensed engines? Of course each one is functional and has good graphics, but none of them are revolutionary. It further hurts the industry because people can usually only buy one game every so often. So what happens when a gamer gets tired of seeing the same old thing? (as has happened to me) or more importantly, when a potential gamer is pushed away by the abundance of average games that all look the same to the unknowing eye? Shame on you developers and publishers that only push clones to make some extra cash.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, this game is average and feels like it was put out solely for the sake of being another sequel. But this is far from being the only culprit of the crime. I give The Game Formerly Known as Quake 4 an uninspired, plain ol’ average, tired, and typical 3 out of 5.