amplizine.com

Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Well Kevin Smith fans, here it is: the final (?) portion of the Jay and Silent Bob series, and the sequel to the ultimate cult classic low budget indie film. And, this one didn’t suck nearly as bad as Jersey Girl (or so I’m told, anyway, I haven’t had a chance to watch that one just yet) and in many ways is actually better than the original. Kevin Smith really hit a career high here, although I have to admit it was quite obvious that he is working with a budget that exceeds what he spent on the original Clerks (27,000 bucks I believe the original came in at). And that increased budget really added to the “shiny” factor here, but in many ways it was really refreshing to see a Smith movie that wasn’t so “run of the mill” in its cinematography and backgrounds. Starring very common names for these movies, you can expect to see cameos from Ben Affleck and Jason Lee and the previously no-name actors and actresses that made Smith’s movies really shine. For those that have seen Clerks and laughed hysterically at that one chick having sex with the dead guy, get ready to laugh even harder at the sexually deviant scene in this movie. Oh…gotta finish…

Plot

It’s another day in the lives of our anti-heroes from the original Clerks, Dante and Randal. Only this time, the Quick Stop has been burnt to the ground, and Dante and Randal have taken to the job market and become employed at the local Mooby’s Fast Food joint. It is here that their day-to-day adventures take place. Yet again, Dante bitches about his place in life, and Randal seeks to correct him. The two battle it out once again and once yet again they become even stronger friends. During all this time, Dante struggles to straighten out his love life during a battle where he is stuck between two hot chicks. So really, more right from the same ideals and dialogue of the original Clerks. The only difference here is that Dante and Randal are a bit older, although less immature, and the movie is overall in higher quality. So props go once again to Kevin Smith, this movie is fantastic. The plot is well created and thoroughly thought out which makes the movie easy and enjoyable to watch, all the while making you laugh so hard you really have to see it again.

Visual

Like I mentioned before, it’s pretty darn obvious that Kevin Smith is dealing with a much bigger budget in this movie, and one of the places that it shows the most is in the cinematography. Instead of the typical and somewhat boring visual effects that Smith uses in earlier movies (especially Clerks the original), he actually employs cinema graphic effects that are creative and fairly unique if not a little dizzying in a few points. Plus, the jiggly-jiggly tits in the dance scene makes me excited for the DVD so I can use the slow motion feature on my player…but anyway, just another point where Smith really shines. The only bad thing I can say about the visual effects in this movie is the fire in the windows of the Quick Stop at the very beginning of the flick. The fire is obviously not real. But otherwise, every bit of visual effect in this movie is outstanding and far about the quality of typical Smith directed flicks.

Audio

Smith’s choice of music once again stands above any other movie that’s come out in years. I don’t know how he does it, but every movie he makes seems to have better music than the ones prior to it. Smith, you genius, keep up the great work. I think I might just go and “buy” this soundtrack…tee hee…anyway. As for sound effects, there isn’t a whole lot to mention because this is a comedy and not a high dollar action movie. But, the sound works right where it needed to. There was no struggling to understand what was being said, and the voice volume is appropriate and well planned. And the donkey was very believable…oh, gotta finish. Right. Moving on.

Acting

Yet another point where this movie really shines is the acting. Brian O’Halloran and Jeff Anderson (Dante and Randal, respectively), although considerably (and depressingly) older, are in rare form. There was actually a moment I though Jeff Anderson might break down in tears. And every bit of the acting was well performed and quite believable. Even Jason Mewes was in rare and believable form.

Summary

The more I look back on this movie and compare to the original, the more I love the sequel. The only thing missing in this movie that was present in the original was the general feeling of under-budget cult classic independent film portrayed by the black and white splendor. But, that is easily is forgivable by looking at the overall quality of this movie. Plus, the dialogue is far superior to the original, and considerably more comical. I was actually going to give this movie a 4, but after thinking back at the movie and comparing to the original Clerks, I simply cannot degrade this movie that far. It was just too good. So, in a final saying, I give Clerks II

5 Oh, gotta finish…

…out of 5

Kick the tires and light the fires! It’s time for speed!

Oh dear sweet baby Jesus, we thank you for Will Ferrell, the nasty, sexy-hot sport of NASCAR, and Walker Texas Ranger (or T.R. as we like to call him). Please bless this review and thanks for making America the most kick-ass nation on the planet. Oh and due to contractual obligations during grace, I’d also like to pray for Powerade and a successful release of their new flavor. Amen.

…Yeah right, like our reviews have ever been graced by anything other than an insult from our readers.

Momma, I’m going fast!

Ricky Bobby, the man who could only count to one, not only was born for speed but he was born at a hundred miles an hour in the back of a Chevelle. At the age of ten, his weed smoking vagrant father shows up for career day out of nowhere and gives Ricky the idea that, “If you aren’t first, you’re last.” This inspires Ricky and his best bud Cal to be race car drivers, but they don’t wind up exactly where they hoped. Being in the pit crew for the NASCAR team in dead last, Ricky is suddenly given the chance to shine as a driver and shocks everyone with a win. In an instant, their lives are turned around by fame and money, and soon Ricky and Cal are the top drivers in NASCAR. Ricky in his fame marries the sizzling-hot (Ow!) and gold-digging Carley, and they have two incredibly f*cked up kids: Walker and Texas Ranger. But because his #1 attitude and arrogance loses points for the team, the owner, Larry Dennit Jr., brings on the gay French “Formule Un” champion Jean Girard to win championships. Ricky, frustrated by being beaten off-track by the Frenchman, takes matters into his own hands during a race but ends up in a spectacular crash that leaves Ricky psychosomatic and traumatized. And to make things worse, his lifelong buddy Cal has stolen his job, wife, and home. But the broken and ruined Ricky Bobby realizes with help from his mother and returned father that he shouldn’t give up that easily. For the rest of the movie, Ricky learns the true meaning of being a family and rediscovers who he is–and Ricky Bobby is not a thinker, Ricky Bobby is a driver!

Psychosomatic? So what… he can start fires with his mind powers?

It’s been quite a while since I’ve personally seen a Will Ferrell flick on the silver screens; since Old School in fact. But if you’ve seen one of his movies, you can pretty much tell what kind of character he plays in any of them. I think it’s impossible for Will Ferrell to not play the buffoon. But thankfully for this movie, Ricky Bobby is the first character that naturally fits with Will’s one-track acting mind. Going into this one, I was afraid all the funny parts were run dry in the previews, but was pleasantly surprised by the number of laughs I got from the supporting actors. This has got to be Michael Clarke Duncan’s funniest role ever, and I would love to see him try for more. Will’s SNL co-star Molly Shannon was also a riot, even though all she had to do was be drunk and zany. John C. Reilly also has an amazing chemistry with Will; “Shake and Bake” might have something to do with it. But perhaps the funniest lines were from Walker and Texas Ranger (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) as they changed from obnoxious brats into Sunday school goers that even compliment the food at Applebee’s.

Was that Elvis Costello and Mos Def?

The movie lacks coherence big time. It feels like things were left on the cutting room floors or just plain never made it into the script. Like Ricky’s newly discovered true love Susan (what some might consider an important role) only gets a few lines when she deserves much more. It also seems to contradict Ricky’s new outlook by yet again focusing only on himself. Plus, Ricky’s relationships with a number of characters seem unresolved by the end. What the hell is up with Chip? Was he just there for Walker and Texas Ranger to torment? I know it’s a comedy and certainly not a tear jerker, but coherence isn’t something to be tossed around like a Tom Cruise joke.

So Will Ferrell finally makes his acting and comedy style work together for a part, and NASCAR is finally parodied. Who could ask for anything more? It is definitely good for some laughs and is a nice summer flick, but don’t expect it to win any awards–and we here at amplizine hand out awards as fast as we hand over the booze money to the cashier. I’d even go as far to say we’re the award sluts of the critics’ world. That’s why I give Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby 3 stars, and if you’re not first, you’re last.

Amplizine Awards

• NASCAR Movie of the Year

I finally get around to writing the third review of a major Luc Besson flick.

French punk chick turned assassin? Yes, please! I love Luc Besson; he is one of the best movie makers out there. His films might not be the most provocative or the most suspenseful and intriguing, but his storytelling style is unique in just the right kind of way–nothing Spielberg about it!

This isn’t some crappy series on USA

So this cold hard bitch kills a cop when her gang tries to rob a store, and rather than receiving the expected sentence, she is handed over to a secret organization in the government to be trained as an assassin. Resistant to everything at first, she slowly realizes her life up till now has been a complete waste, and she matures into a beautiful and sophisticated lady. But her true purpose since given the second chance at life has been hidden from her. As the story unfolds, Nikita falls in love and tries to live a normal life but can’t escape her duties as an assassin and her loyalty to Bob, the man who saved her.

This isn’t even a movie seen in the USA

Oh, and did I mention this is a French movie? You’ll have to read subtitles if you don’t understand French, or if you can’t read, the voice-over is done well enough that it doesn’t interfere with the experience. So on that note, the acting is good either way. French actors, especially the veteran Tchéky Karyo, just have a certain flair that is rarely seen in American actors. Whether you listen to his voice and read the subtitles or wimp out and listen to the voice actor in English, the performance is powerful and gripping. Having said that, there are also parts I just don’t fully understand; I guess knowing French is vital for them. Like when Nikita gives a present to the computer expert and starts singing (screaming), I have no clue what is going on. But overall, each of the main actors (Anne Parillaud, Jean-Hugues Anglade, Tchéky Karyo, and Jean Reno) does a wonderful job. Wow, I almost forgot to mention Jean Reno and his part. His character’s name is Victor, but I’ll be damned if he wasn’t the inspiration for Leon in the Professional.

La Femme Nikita demonstrates to its greatest Luc Besson’s storytelling ability. Characters are developed so well and dialog is so well planned that you can’t help but be wrapped up in it. Then there are moments of humor, action, and sensitivity that are perfectly balanced and timed, creating a movie anyone can enjoy. The soundtrack by Eric Serra further enhances the movie by always being where it needs to be. Not for an instant is the music offbeat, and every bit of it serves a purpose.

But this is on DVD in the USA

I question those who watch Luc Besson movies and don’t love them immediately. What’s so great about them is they reinforce your love of his other movies. La Femme Nikita is an essential in my opinion, and Leon the Professional and the Fifth Element I enjoy just as much, if not more. But if you are stubborn and just can’t stand subtitles or dubbing, there was an American remake of La Femme Nikita called Point of No Return. I don’t make any promises about that one, but I can promise Nikita is a 4 out of 5.

Ultimate conclusion of revenge thrilling, and such things.

Alright, kiddies, here’s the thrilling conclusion to the ultimate story of revenge. Or rather, the review of the thrilling conclusion to the ultimate story of revenge. And Quentin, you’re a genius. On these movies anyway. For those who didn’t bother reading my review of volume one (you should be ashamed!), this movie (and review) is really just a continuation of that. It still stars all the same people, is still written and directed by that genius Quentin Tarantino and also co-written and starring Uma Thurman. This movie, however, was never meant to have two portions. So the very beginning of volume two is a little jerky to get started, and if you haven’t seen the first volume, I guarantee you’ll be more than a little confused, because Tarantino doesn’t spend any time explaining the previous movie except in a small excerpt where the Bride talks about the “roaring rampage of revenge” that was the previous movie. But, I think that Tarantino was under the assumption that the only people willing to watch volume two would had to have watched and enjoyed volume one.

Plot

The same as volume one, only this time, the Bride (AKA Beatrix Kiddo, you get to know the name this time!) is finishing her quest of revenge. You also get some insight into what happened that inspired the revenge. The beginning of the movie actually shows the entire scene of the wedding rehearsal in which Bill and the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad brutally murdered everyone in the chapel (every one, but one of course). Also in the plot of volume two, you get to meet the Bride’s daughter who was assumed dead until the last words of volume one, leaving one hell of a cliffhanger. The only unfortunate thing about the plot in this movie is the final showdown between Bill and Beatrix. That showdown seemed a little short. They didn’t even get a chance to cross Hanzo swords, it was just a five second mini battle where Beatrix did the “five point palm exploding heart technique” that she learned from the reclusive Pai Mei. So over all, the final fight scene was both awesome and disappointing. But oh well, the rest of the movie leading up to that was great.

Visual

The visuals in volume two are quite similar to those in volume one. There are still black and white scenes, although the quantity of these moments is severely reduced in volume two. Other key imagery includes the plucking of Elle Driver’s (Darrel Hannah) one good eye, and the black mamba left in the case full of money (Budd’s demise, in case you were wondering). But this volume really was a touch disappointing in the way of key imagery, as there just seemed to be a shortage. It seemed much more like a run of the mill movie instead of a Quentin Tarantino that it really is. But like I mentioned before, this movie was never intended to have two volumes, it was just too long for one movie. It’s perhaps unfortunate that both movies could not be balanced because of the necessary split.

Audio

The soundtrack here is even better than the first volume, which is saying a whole lot because the music in volume one is so excellent that I need new pants just thinking about it. But I digress. The sound effects are also excellent, in the scene were Beatrix is buried alive, the sound of her punching the top of the makeshift “coffin” is so realistic that you can really believe you’re buried alive with her. Sorry, don’t mean to give away some of the movie, but it’s so cool that I just had to mention it.

Acting

Same as before. Although the actors in this one are generally more talented than those in volume one, it’s all still on the same level as the prior. Bill, played by David Carradine, is by far the best acted character, and most certainly the most creative and genuine. Uma still did an excellent job, and just as in volume one she really kicked some serious ass and handled a samurai sword like no blonde woman ever has before (unless it’s my “samurai sword” get it? My wife is blonde! Ha!).

Summary

So, in all reality, this volume just isn’t quite as good as before, but that’s most likely just a victim of splitting the movie in two. This volume is much less gory and bloody than the first volume, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Although that makes the movie more suitable for younger viewers, it also kind of condemns the movie, as the excessive blood and gore in the first volume really added a sense of comedy to the film (strange though that may seem). Does this movie conclude in a satisfying way? You better believe it. But I do believe that some more steps could have been taken to make the second half more balanced to the first, to help with a little bit of continuity.

4 points out of the “five point palm exploding heart technique”

Pirates!

Here it is, perhaps the newest movie to be reviewed so far. It just barely came out the three days before I am writing this, so I managed to see it on opening weekend (thanks LilPickle). But as with many sequels that appear from Hollywood, this movie is shrouded in disappointment. It still sports swashbuckling-a-plenty, and enormous amounts of fun and entertainment, but it really just seemed to lack. A lot of the attitude and so called “heart” of the first movie simply didn’t carry over to the sequel. Don’t get me wrong though, this movie was not bad. And certainly worth seeing and as soon as it comes to video I will be buying it. But it’s just simply not as good as the prior blockbuster smash. Directed by Gore Verbinski and still starring Johnny Depp and Keira Knightly and Orlando bloom (as well as many other names from the first that I was pleasantly surprised to see) this movie will certainly keep you entertained, even if you can barely understand what some of the characters are saying, and the quantity of action seems almost too excessive.

Plot

Captain Jack Sparrow sets out to discover a way to save his soul from the dreaded Davy Jones, to whom he owes a debt. Normally to do this he would use his compass that shows him what he wants the most, but it seems to not be working in this movie. So in order to save his soul, he uses William Turner (Orlando Bloom) as collateral with Davy Jones, and uses Elizabeth Swan to show him the way to a chest containing Davy Jones heart. Of course, nothing ever seems to work out for Captain Jack, and what seems a simple task quickly balloons into a full scale adventure, with no shortage of action. However, the plot is completely unresolved in this movie. Somehow in this movie’s 2 hours and 30 minutes of length, the filmmakers managed to only create questions in the plot, and leave you hanging horribly in the end of the movie with more question than when you entered the theater. And that really pisses me off. I like a good cliffhanger as much as the next person, but in my opinion, a cliffhanger should at least answer a few of your questions, and not leave you with more than when you came in.

Visual

Here the sequel is significantly better than the first movie. In the first, there were many places that the CGI was just less than the up-to-snuff standards common with current day filmmaking technology. But Dead Man’s Chest certainly does not leave you questioning the quality of CGI, even the giant squid scenes are so believable it almost looks like they used live action animals instead of CG. Davy Jones himself was a great deal of CG, as was his crew. And it was so well performed that you really barely notice what CG you can actually see. More key visuals along the same lines of the first movie are still present here, including a trip to the island of Tortuga, which is basically one big brawl all day and all night. Plus, the backgrounds in the islands and main lands are excellent, and you can’t believe even for a minute that you are sitting in the movie theater and not really there with the characters.

Audio

Here’s another point that this movie excels. Another excellent revision to an already fantastic theme song is key here. All through the movie they play a song nearly identical to the first movie, and just as the music in the first set the mood, so does the song here. In every scene it is employed, the main theme either increases the idea of the pirate’s life, or brings you down to the depths with Davy Jones himself. The sound effects are also excellent, but then again I did see it in the theater, so perhaps in the DVD format the sound effects won’t be quite as good, but I somehow doubt that when comparing with the sound effects present in the first DVD.

Acting

Johnny Depp is once again in very rare form, and is most excellent in this role just as in the first. I honestly don’t think that anyone else could be Captain Jack Sparrow with anywhere near the effectiveness of Depp. Keira Knightly is hot as hell just as before, although I was a little disappointed in her role here. Instead of the pure honest governor’s daughter she played in the first movie, here she plays a slightly trampy pirate-wanabe who just doesn’t have the same heart and soul as I was expecting based on the role in “Curse of the Black Pearl.” Also, it seemed like just about everyone was mumbling in this movie, some of the characters could barely be heard through their fancy “Old-English” speak. And the voodoo witch doctor Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris) has an accent so thick that you have to strain to try and understand her.

Summary

Lay off the action a little bit and spread on some more plot and character development and answer a few more questions before the cliffhanger, and this movie increases in quality three-fold. But as it is, there is just too much action and too little everything else. But again don’t get me wrong, I think the action (when it was properly planned) was beautifully executed and well performed. It just seemed like the swashbuckling was nonstop through the whole flick, leaving little time to sit back and breathe in the two and a half hour behemoth. So based on this, I simply cannot give this movie as good of a score as the prior movie received, so all in all I give Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest a visually stunning 3 Aaaaaarrrgh matey’s out of 5

Getting ready for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, we thought reviewing the first Pirates would be timely.

Who’s in the mood for an adventurous tale with swashbuckling galore? Because with this movie you’ll capture exactly that. Adventure in the time of pirates and when the British were still a powerful nation. As this movie is already several years old and the sequel is damn near in theaters already, I’m sure there’s not a single person to read this that hasn’t already seen this immensely popular Disney movie. But just in case, I shall proceed as normal (meaning I’m lazy and don’t want to change my template). Directed by Gore Verbinski and starring such huge names as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightly, this movie is quite appropriate for almost all ages and even entertains time and time again. Although it does have its flaws (such as occasional bad CGI and minor plot holes) it doesn’t fail to keep your attention for any length of time.

Plot

A very young Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) discovers a boy floating out in the Atlantic after a “shipwreck” and discovers a strange golden medallion around his neck, which she takes in order to prevent the boy from being killed as a pirate. Some many years later (while wearing a corset *boioioiioing*), she falls into the ocean and inadvertently signals a band of cursed pirates aboard a mystical ship who are searching for the same medallion. After being captured by the pirates and giving the fake last name of the man she secretly loves, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), she is taken to an island where the pirates attempt a ritual to lift a terrible curse. In the meanwhile, Turner enlists the assistance of pirate Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to attempt to save Elizabeth from a gruesome fate. It’s from here that the whole tale stems, leading from one exciting sword fight to another right until an epic battle between the undead pirates and the British navy.

Visual

Excellent cinematography is key to this movie, and although most of the camera angles are very mainstream, every camera angle is beautifully planned and very well executed. The only issue with the visuals is the occasionally poor CGI. The pirates of the Black Pearl (that’s the ship) are undead, and under the moonlight they are revealed for what they are, corpses. The corpses are excellently animated, and each one is completely different than the others. So it’s fairly obvious that a significant amount of funding was spend in the creation of these skeletons, but it looks like they skimped on other places of CGI because of this.

Audio

The music here is fantastic. It’s unique and fitting and actually helps bring the swashbuckling mood of the movie into reality. Although the music is nothing I would own, it is extremely enjoyable in the movie and really helps to set the proper mood. As for sound effects, they are quite excellent, but you will most likely need to have surround sound to truly get all the worth out of the effects.

Acting

This is where the movie really shines. Johnny Depp so perfectly portrays the slightly mad Captain Jack Sparrow that you can really believe it’s not even an actor but actually the character being portrayed. Orlando Bloom also does a very notable job in personifying the secret love interest, and is really quite the sword fighter here. Keira Knightly even does a very believable job (plus she has really nice tits).

Summary

Despite the slight flaws in the plot and less than great CGI in a few places, this movie does efficiently capture your attention and keep you entertained throughout the whole movie. I really enjoyed seeing a high quality pirate tale actually coming out of Hollywood, as most of the drivel they produce is unfit for the screen. So if you’re in the mood for swashbucklin-a-plenty, sit back and enjoy this movie’s well earned 4 out of 5.

We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.

Ah, finally a movie with Jim Carrey where he doesn’t overact every scene. Not that I’m complaining, sometimes I really enjoy a good Jim Carrey irrelevant comedy, but there are other times that I really don’t. Fortunately, this movie is able to retain its comic value even with only one or two scenes of Jim’s usual interchangeable type of comedy. Directed by Dean Parisot and starring Jim Carrey, Tea Leoni, and Alec Baldwin, this movie is a refreshing break from the usual comic drivel seeping out of the wounds of Hollywood (Sorry…its late. Or early. Uh, right).

Plot

After finally reaching a new height on the corporate ladder, Dick Harper finds the company in dire trouble when the owner strips it off and sells its assets (or something, I’m just a mechanic not a CEO what do you want?) After being framed and publicly ashamed from Globodyne’s horrific death, Dick and Jane Harper take it into their own hands by stealing back everything that was taken from them. From robbing the local starbucks to ripping off a nearby headshop, the “dynamic duo” rob their way back into the comforts of vice president life. Then taking on one last job, the two manage to trick the ex-owner of Globodyne Jack McCallister (Alec Baldwin) into giving 400 million dollars to fulfill the pensions and stuff of the ex-employees. But don’t just take my word for it, there’s more to it than just thievin’ and trickin’.

Visual

This movie did an excellent job in personifying the life and lifestyles of the suburbs in the year 2000, and the portrayal of CEO and VP life in the city was expertly and efficiently crafted. Whoa, I just blacked out a bit there. What was I saying? Right, moving on. Otherwise excellent cinematography but nothing worth mention. By that I mean it was good but very run-of-the-mill.

Audio

I love the music in this flick. I really found myself absorbed by the music, but only because it was not subtle. It was obvious and clearly intended to be that way. It actually helped to bring the movie to reality as strange as that may be. In most movies I look for subtle background type music that isn’t noticeable when it shouldn’t be, but without active music I don’t think this movie would have worked quite as well.

Acting

Top notch. As I mentioned briefly in the intro, Jim Carrey did not overdo this movie, and I found it to be a refreshing break from his more typical comedy. Tea Leoni is also quite noteworthy here; she made the perfect suburb housewife and played the part effortlessly. As for Alec Baldwin, also quite enjoyable. I really bought into the whole CEO part, but I don’t think he was quite as good as Jim Carrey. Pretty damn close, but just not quite.

Summary

It’s really quite unfortunate that this movie did not do better in the box office, as I believe it’s one the better movies coming out of Hollywood in quite some time. Beyond what I think though, many other people I have spoken to about this movie mentioned about how thoroughly enjoyable it was. Even my parents (whom I try to shield from anything rated R) actually enjoyed this movie. There was no gratuitous violence and certainly no nudity and any adult content fit into the theme and feel of the movie flawlessly without being overwhelming.

4 “I’m being indicted!” out of 5

If you don’t understand the humor behind it all, take that stick out of your ass and try again.

Quentin Tarantino, you genius, you’ve outdone yourself again. Just like Reservoir Dogs outdid Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction outdid Reservoir Dogs, this fantastic tale outdid even Pulp Fiction. And that’s saying an awful lot. Because Pulp Fiction is the shit. Yeah. Anyway, back to the review. From the very first scene of this movie right until the gripping cliffhanger at the very end, you will be captivated through the entire flick. Starring and written by Uma Thurman, written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, and also starring Lucy Lui and Vivica A. Fox, this fascinating tale of revenge and remarkable constitution will drop kick you in the nuts and keep you wondering, all the while knowing. I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense if you haven’t seen the movie, but if you have then you know precisely what I’m talking about.

Plot

In a desperate quest for revenge, the Bride (sorry, you have to wait till volume two to learn her real name.) as played by Uma Thurman, tears shreds into her old accomplices (and their bodyguards) until the very end of the movie. Of course, since this is only volume 1, she doesn’t get to complete her quest in this movie, but the journey itself is what is most spectacular. Broken down into several thoroughly rearranged chapters, the Bride procures a samurai sword, and kills the shit out of Lucy Lui’s character, has a somewhat epic fight and destroys Vivica A. Fox’s character–all the while fulfilling the sadistic death list of all those who wronged her. This film is Quentin’s homage to Bruce Lee era films, so the plot is laid out similarly to those, while still retaining a creative effect that only Quentin can produce.

Visual

Get ready for slightly comical blood and gore, because this movie has no shortage of either. In fact, there is a scene where the Bride is literally bathing in the watery blood of dozens of deceased (and maimed) samurai sword-wielding crazy-ass Japanese. In the story of Lucy Lui’s character O-Ren Ishii, the movie lapses into a fantastic Japanese animation sequence that was really stunning, and fit perfectly into the feel of the movie. During the massacre of the Crazy 88, the film drops into black and white, allowing for a fascinating cinematography affect the likes of which I have not seen in many years. Anytime the Bride sees someone who wronged her on her “wedding day,” shes shown in red to emphasize her fierce anger and hatred, and you know that person is going to die.

Audio

Only Tarantino can use such seemingly obscure music, and blend it all so perfectly into a movie. The song Twisted Nerve will haunt your dreams. Anyway, I strongly recommend procuring this movie’s soundtrack, whether legally or not is no concern of mine, but it’s really worth buying. Every song is completely different than every other, and yet it blends so well that you can’t even tell the songs aren’t even similar until you’re listening to the soundtrack separate from the movie. The sound effects are also fantastic, and you don’t need 5.1 to appreciate them, but it does make a really big difference.

Acting

Does this movie have any flawed acting? Absolutely not. The Bride is so perfectly convincing that you can almost believe it really happened. Bill is played better than anyone else, even though you never get to see his face, not even a little (at least not until volume two). Even Lucy Lui did a mentionable job here. Where often her roles can be very flat or staccato; she did an excellent job, and even wielded a sword very impressively. Uma really kicked some ass with her samurai sword, too.

Summary

This is one of the best and most unique movies to come out in years, and will probably remain so for quite some time. Get ready to be impressed, because this movie is truly fantastic. Quentin really is a genius for creating this, and special props to Uma for writing, because she and Quentin wrote this right after finishing Pulp Fiction. So here’s the final word: if you haven’t already seen this, you better or I will personally come to your house and beat you with a hose until you do. That’s right. Bitch.  5 out of 5 stars.

…and the valleys got stuck with the ass-crack.

Wes Craven, at what point did you go crazy? Because it must have been sometime before this movie. The master of horror himself let me down. Of course, he only is credited as the writer of this movie, as it’s an update of his 1977 horror flick of the same name. But if I was Wes, I would have told director Alexandre Aja to cram it up his ass instead of putting my name on this piece of trash. I don’t know why, but for some reason it seems that all new horror movies are too preoccupied with being bloody and gory to actually be scary. I may be more critical of an average viewer of this type of movie, but it really seems to me that any new horror is not even scary. Not even once during this movie did I actually jump. I was not drawn into “fear” by a creative and suspenseful plot. I just had to look at severed body parts, rape scenes, and no shortage of blood (there were a few points I swear the actors were just sprayed down with fake blood). It doesn’t even star anyone worth mentioning save one, but I don’t want to soil his otherwise decent name by associating him with this movie. But at least it was better than Hostel *shivers uncontrollably for a few seconds*.

Plot

Following government atomic and nuclear tests in the New Mexico and Nevada area, a series of birth defects and mutations arise in the population of a local mining town because they’re too stupid to leave their homes. It might just be me, but if the government asks me to leave or risk death, I’m going to leave, and fast. It’d be retarded to stay. But that’s just me. After living in the desert for some time, these folk apparently began to hate America and love human flesh. JUST MOVE FROM YOUR HOMES, YOU IDIOTS. Sorry. And using a gas station clerk as the gateway to their meals, these folks trap and brutally murder anyone traveling on their remote section of dirt road. In this specific case, it’s a family on their way to vacation in California. The father sets off to look for help, is beat to hell and burned on a tree. The folk use this burning as a distraction to rape one daughter, kill the other, kill the mother, and kidnap a baby. That’s about ten minutes of movie. The other ten is the son-in-law getting his baby back and killing all the mountain folk. I guess. I have to admit; I got bored of the plot and just stopped paying attention to the movie after a while. The movie wasn’t even scary enough to keep my attention. That’s saying a lot, I don’t often grow bored of a movie I’ve never seen before.

Visual

To all future horror movie directors reading this review: budget less money for fake blood, no one really needs to see that. Just because you can spray an actor down with blood, give him a shotgun and make him walk through the desert doesn’t mean you should. And that certainly doesn’t make it a good movie. Even attempts at key horror visuals in this movie came off cheesy and poorly planned, maybe even added last minute. For instance, they tried to do the whole “silhouette swooping past in the dim light” thing, but nothing ever came from it. Something would do the swoop thing, and the actor would turn around suspiciously and then keep walking. No attack, no animal mistaken for a person, nothing. The only key visual I could salvage out of this movie is fake blood sprayed on the actors. How does that make it scary?

Audio

The music was pretty good, but nothing I would spend money on. And come to think of it, nothing I would steal either. But it did suit the parts of the movie that didn’t make me bored or queasy (which wasn’t a whole lot, by the way). Did you need surround to get the sound effects? Nope. Not even once did I feel like something was behind me, and I use DITIGAL SURROUND SOUND. This movie couldn’t even make digital surround feel realistic. Shame on them.

Acting

Like I mentioned earlier, there was only one actor who I recognized, and I don’t even want to soil his name by associating it with this movie. And even his performance here seemed quite forced. All other actors/actresses wouldn’t even make the D-list they sucked so badly. Nothing about the acting in this movie was believable. Every bit of it was forced and flat, and where I come from, good acting can make a bad movie tolerable, but bad acting makes bad movies worse.

Summary

I know a thing or two about nuclear weapons and radiation. I grew up on F.E. Warren Air Force Base, which is smack in the center of the largest grouping of nuclear weapons in the nation (it also happens to be the number three target in the event of nuclear war, but whose counting, right?) I studied up on radiation poisoning and birth defects caused by it, so I can say I know enough to say this movie is full of shit. Anyone who lives through the testing just got cancer or leukemia and died. No mutation. The birth defects were generally in the face, hands, and feet. No extra limbs, no excessively large heads (at least not in the births that actually lived for more than a few minutes), and they got the cancer or leukemia too. Plus, the government paid heavily for the emotional and physical anguish these folks went through, so they usually died happy and wealthy. That puts this movie in the way of

1 more shitty horror movie for me to ream out of 5

Delightful

Here’s a movie that I forgot to review a long time ago, and one that is certainly due for it’s additional fifteen minutes in the spotlight (as if this review could be considered the spotlight, right?) I can only review this movie on the basis that it is quite possibly the best animated movie of all time. Right up there with Emperor’s New Groove (review coming soon, my minions).* Shrek really dazzles the audience with original humor, excellent voice over and even very believable animation, right from the very beginning of the movie to the very end. Plus it entails a wonderfully original love-story-adventure-quest plot that is not only easy to follow, but fun as well. Starring such huge names as Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, John Lithgow, and Cameron Diaz, this 2001 film directed by Andrew Adamson and Vickey Jenson will astonish viewers of all ages.

*Editor’s note: you don’t have minions King, you ARE the minion.

Plot

Reclusive ogre Shrek goes on an epic quest to remove a spattering of fairy-tale creatures dumped onto his swamp by the evil dictator “king” Lord Farquad only to be sent on a further quest to retrieve the lass Farquad wishes to marry in order to become king. Damn that was a weird sentence. But anyway, after embarking on an additional quest to save the princess, Shrek finds himself hopelessly in love with the lovely Princess Fiona who hides a terrible secret. This love then balloons into a frantic situation and a slight plot twist right at the very end. And although the plot does seem slightly cliché every now and then, there is not a single point where it disappoints. Plus, right when you start thinking you know where the movie is going, something new comes along and changes it all. Most excellent plot development.

Visual

The CGI really made this movie fantastic. Although still obviously CG, it is so well developed that you can really see the time and effort the animators placed into every scene. The lighting is exceptional and really requires mention. From the breath of the fire-breathing dragon lighting up the castle walls to the sun setting over the kingdom of Duloc, every bit of light beautifully interacts with all other aspects of the particular scene.

Audio

The theme song is beyond catchy here, it’s actually contagious. You’ll find yourself humming the song for days afterwards. Even during the actual movie, the music never takes on a point where it seems to not fit. Every part of the music fits exactly the way it should into every scene. Even though most of the music is an adaptation of the same theme song, it is adapted so well you barely even notice it’s the same song.

Acting

Here is where the movie really shines–for an animated movie anyway. When I watch an animated movie, I don’t want to spend the entire flick trying to figure out the name of one of the actors doing the voice over. But I also don’t want to only think of that actor during the movie, I want the voice to seem fitting with the character that is being portrayed. This is where many animated movies go astray when they enlist huge name actors–it’s far to difficult to forget that someone had to voice that character. In Shrek, however, the huge name actors blend so beautifully into the character being acted out that you actually forget who is doing the acting and enjoy just the characters. Just the way it should be.

Script

I have to add this little extra part in here to give some props to the writers in this movie, they did such an excellent job on the script that it’s originality is sure to become the standard by which all animated movies should be created. The humor is outright fantastic, and the movie actually sports jokes and melodrama suited not only for the young children, but also even more so to adults. So congrats to the writers of Shrek, because they did such a great job that I actually broke my template for movie reviews. Kudos.

Summary

If you haven’t yet seen this movie, you must be a caveman, or perhaps Amish. But if you’re Amish then you shouldn’t be reading this review on a webpage then should you? So anyway, if you haven’t seen it then go buy it right now. Don’t rent it first, don’t borrow it, just go buy it. The re-watch-ability is excellent and I don’t know of a single person who doesn’t love this movie. So in conclusion, the plot is great, the script is stunning, the acting is perfect, and CGI is just the way it should be. So all in all is this movie really worth your time? Absolutely. Is it worth 5 stars? You better believe it.

5 “You didn’t slay the dragon?!?!?” out of 5