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Pookie feared rewriting War and Peace for this review, but LilPickle likes to live dangerously. You’ll need a potty break at some point–it’s that long.

A common thread that runs through all gamers and unites us is a little thing called Star Wars. If you consider yourself a gamer and don’t like Star Wars, then either you’re in denial or you’re just some n00b that thinks someone cares about your defiance and insecure need to stand out. If that’s the case, go find some other website and whine and flame on their forum. You’re bound to get attention that way.

Ah yes, the game. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords isn’t just a sequel with a very long title, it’s yet another fine game based in the Star Wars universe that doesn’t entirely suck. It is most disappointing when the biggest movies of all time have video game relatives that don’t capture our imagination on the scale that the movies have, let alone the fact that they don’t even compare to the quality of many non-movie games. But Knights of the Old Republic changed all that. Since its release, people have nearly forgiven and forgotten the previous releases that were oh so painful. Rebel Assault II comes to mind as well as the dancing wookies of Galaxies. And Battlefront isn’t nearly as good as people believe it to be. I no longer trust the gaming websites out there for Star Wars games reviews after seeing they gave Jedi Power Battles low scores compared to Rebel Assault II. So from this point on, this is the best source for Star Wars reviews. Not a single bias. Nope, not-a-one.

In case you were in a coma in 2003

Under development from BioWare, Knights of the Old Republic wiped the floor with all other games in 2003, taking numerous “Game of the year” awards from all the big magazines and reviewers. I still think it is one of the best games ever. But for the sequel, the development responsibilities were handed over to Obsidian Entertainment for only God knows what reasons. Oh well, it’s the same engine, all they have to do is fix the minor problems and write a new story. How much could they screw it up, right?

A long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away….

As the story goes, the Republic has fallen into a state of disrepair after Revan’s disappearance from known space, and the Republic’s restoration projects on war-ravaged planets are very delicate. You play an exiled Jedi that was cast out because of your participation in the Mandalorian Wars under Revan and Malak and are now living out the rest of your life without a connection to the Force. In your absence, the Sith have been striking from the darkness, slowly dwindling the numbers of the Jedi–eventually they come after you. Rather than minding their Ps and Qs, the rest of the galaxy soon takes notice of you as you are the last Jedi. Sith assassins, dark lords, bounty hunters, the Exchange, and even disgruntled civilians all seek you out for different reasons. You’ll soon be making decisions that appear to be between light and dark on the surface but can have even greater repercussions for the galaxy than you might think. All the while, you’ll gain companions in your quest to figure out exactly what happened to you after the Mandalorian Wars when the Jedi Council exiled you. And as your role finally starts to make sense, battles between light and dark erupt, forcing you to decide the fate of the galaxy.

It’s like they read my mind when I dreamed of one day owning a viridian colored lightsaber

Considering the gameplay in KotOR was near perfection, not much needed to be changed for the sequel. Tweaks here and there to fix issues, maybe vehicles to use when running across vast expanses of planets (that Tatooine sun was a scorcher), possibly some unique Force powers–that’s all I asked for. The new features they did give us, however, are a mix of good and bad.

Not once playing this game did I find a glitch or bug, as could occasionally be done in the first one, but I did get some of the worst frame rates since Steamboat Willie. Actually, if KotORII ran even that good and constant all the time, it might be preferable to the sudden xbox brain farts that drop the average fps so much. I mean I’ve seen games of tic-tac-toe that were faster and more exciting. This sort of thing drives me crazy, and it really takes away from the experience. You’re just about fully enthralled by the battles when suddenly you’re stuck in some awkward pose for a few seconds then awaken to find yourself in a conversation with a random person trying their best to thank you or whatever waiting for you to decide if your gonna be a Jedi or Dark Lord in this conversation. Other technical things that trouble the game are unreliable friendly AIs and loading screens that take way too long and occur way too often. The abundance of loading screens I was sure would be something they’d try to fix from the first game.

So what about those vehicles? sorta… but it isn’t exactly what I was thinking. Each planet provides some unique way of quickly moving from point to point, but it does so through a dialog window simply asking you where you want to go. And it will only let you use the quick transport if you’ve been to that place before and have accomplished some miniature task to get the quick transport working. While this is functional, it doesn’t add any to the experience or even feel Star Warsy. I wanted a little Luke Skywalker speeder or Darth Maul’s Harley, not ANOTHER dialog window to scroll through.

And finally, the biggest changes they made turn out to be the multitude of little additions. There are a few more Force powers to learn, most of your companions have a unique ability, many items are slightly more upgradeable (namely lightsabers have 3 more slots for gizmos), and there are a number of new lightsaber color crystals. Again, these are functional additions and can be fun, but there comes a point where you have to stop shaving the wookie. As an example, they took it too far when they changed Pazaak to have new “special” cards, or when the swoop races have you hopping to avoid obstacles or doing other such hoop-jumping. I would have loved it if they left those alone and added any other kind of minigame–like that holo-chess type thing or foosball or something.

Dark times for the galaxy

All things considered, it’s still the same great game but just not as awesome as the first one. The story seems distant from you and your actions; so even though it is far from linear, it still ends up feeling that way. There are also moments you must make conversation choices that leave you bewildered, thinking, “That’s not what I meant!” I’m saddened they didn’t do a better job of catching these in play testing because contradictory parts and logic gaps make for a story more confusing than an episode of CSI as told by a kid with Dyslexia. Then as if the story didn’t feel disconnected enough yet, the game plays it off that you don’t even know what happened in the first game. All comments you make about Revan, even being male or female, are ignored, and instead you are told about his mysterious disappearance and lack of role in everything. Way to make the 20 times I played the previous 40 hour game meaningless! I understand that to make this new story completely compatible and still valid concerning the number of paths that can be taken would be quite the undertaking. Even just fixing it to say “he” or “she” as appropriate is difficult enough (and a few slip-ups still made it through, making for one extremely confusing segment; stupid pronouns)–don’t even bring up how many variations of every dialog there have to be for light and dark, male and female interactions, and any consequence of your actions.

But considering 95% of the programming and engine were already done for them, it seems like all they had to concentrate on were story, art and voice-acting (which still impresses me with the sheer quantity of it). If the first story branched out to have so many different endings, it seems reasonable to say that it is just as much work to make an upside down tree of the same size to close any story possibility. And was it too far-fetched to think of loading any KOTOR gamesaves and continuing the story from there?

At least Ewoks had nothing to do with the downfall

I love this game, and it is a shining example for Star Wars games, but too many superficial changes and such a disjointed story can’t go unpunished. If the number of times I’ve played each of the two games is any indication, this one just doesn’t live up to its older brother. That’s why I give KotOR II: The Sith Lords 3 shorn wookies out of 5.

The rules of popularity apply similarly for games as they do for celebrities. With so many of them out there, it is important for them to stand out or they’ll end up in the $5 bin smoking man-pole for crack. The methods for standing out have been varied over time, but it usually involves being unique and entertaining even when you look back years later.

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Others stand out in a negative way for how bad they really were.

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Still others stand out by changing their name to an unpronounceable symbol.

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And you’d think that Quake, one of the franchises that started it all, would be among the greatest of games still today–at least that’s what I thought. I’m wrong way too often.

When I got this, I knew that multiplayer was a big part of the product as it is THE arena game. I had played Quake III in the past and thoroughly enjoyed it, and I expected similar from this rendition. So let it be known, I am fully capable of playing arena multiplayer games successfully. But I start this review with multiplayer because I am completely shocked at how retarded my online experience was. I wasn’t expecting to be a pro immediately, but I thought it would at least be a little easier than it was. It was so ridiculous that I lost all desire to even attempt improving. It’s not an atmosphere friendly to n00bs, but even more, it doesn’t make any sense to me. If Quake 4 is the direction all arena games are heading, then the arena genre will only appeal to a small niche and eventually starve to death (as proven by the lack of servers and even greater lack of players in them). Other realistic multiplayer shooters like Counter-strike have matured over the years in a way that doesn’t discount people from having a good time, no matter their previous experience with the game. Arena games need to mature too, but faster gameplay, butt-loads of guns, more power-ups, and gimmicks are like putting frosting on a burnt cake. Since when do all those things define the genre, and why do the devs think more is better? Get back to the basics or find out the hard way how much your game sucks. I feel slightly better now.

Strangely enough, there is a singleplayer story mode glued to the legendary arena multiplayer. Okay, maybe that’s unfair to say. Singleplayer is actually a major chunk of the game, as it is well done with many hours of gameplay, scripted sequences, diverse characters, pleasant level progression, good friendly and enemy AI, and a huge amount of voice acting. There are even some well done vehicle segments. Space marines, especially on your ship ‘the Hannibal,’ usually have something different to say, making the environment feel alive. And when you’re fighting alongside them, they feel intelligent enough to handle on their own, and the enemies are just as good. You’re also given a wide variety of guns that can occasionally be upgraded to further whoop on the baddies. Big fucking deal.

I’m getting tired of the game industry flooding us with so many games like this. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with the game, but Half-life did all of this in 1998–EIGHT FRIGGIN’ YEARS AGO! Every scripted sequence that came along in Quake 4 seemed like a rip-off of Half-life, and the addition of excessive gore to them doesn’t make them any cooler. And to make things worse, the devs seemed to rely on these run-of-the-mill scripted sequences to add flare and “horror” to the mix. It isn’t terrifying or suspenseful–it merely pisses me off when a Strogg tears through the wall that I can’t avoid walking past because it’s the only way to go. Speaking of that, why are the levels so linear? You run from one hallway to a room to open the door for the next hallway while shooting anything in your way. It’s no fucking wonder that the enemy AI seems so good when all they have to do is run at you without getting stuck on a wall. Don’t even get me started on the boss battles where you have to find the one obscure weakness or trick so you can shoot him “for real” (as if the 50 rockets I previously shot were filled with confetti).

I’m happy that games these days are made to such a high quality and that the standards have been raised, but this game is merely the average because of it. The industry will suffer until developers stop making these same old uninspired games because the market is currently overflowing with them. How are gamers supposed to choose between 20 different demon/alien/evil corporation shooters when they are all based on 2 or 3 licensed engines? Of course each one is functional and has good graphics, but none of them are revolutionary. It further hurts the industry because people can usually only buy one game every so often. So what happens when a gamer gets tired of seeing the same old thing? (as has happened to me) or more importantly, when a potential gamer is pushed away by the abundance of average games that all look the same to the unknowing eye? Shame on you developers and publishers that only push clones to make some extra cash.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, this game is average and feels like it was put out solely for the sake of being another sequel. But this is far from being the only culprit of the crime. I give The Game Formerly Known as Quake 4 an uninspired, plain ol’ average, tired, and typical 3 out of 5.

Hypnotic gameplay and groovy tunes like never before, and I’m insane.

Original games for the PSP are rarer than amplizine readers. It’s like the little brother you give all your hand-me-downs to as if he can’t blaze his own trails. And so when a unique game finally does break away from the masses of sequels and shrunken ports, the last thing you’d expect is for it to be a puzzle game. From the creator of Rez and Space Channel 5, Lumines is a slick “fusion between music and video game” like no other game before it, and it’s not an exaggeration to call it the Tetris of modern days.

The game has you dropping two-toned blocks with the goal of forming 2×2 squares of the same color so the Time Line can eliminate them. The more squares you can clear in one pass of the Time Line, the more bonus points you will receive. But every action you take adds an element to the music whether it’s moving, rotating, dropping the blocks, or clearing a large group of squares. As you progress through challenge mode, it not only changes the theme to a new set of images, colors, and sounds but also to new falling block speeds, Time Line speeds, and tempos. It can be quite spectacular how perfectly the tones, percussion, rhythm, and refrains are merged with gameplay.

Challenge mode, two player versus, cpu versus and puzzle mode are all the available play modes and offer a pleasant variety. An interesting twist to the versus modes makes the two players compete for playspace on one normal size field with only one Time Line (but two player mode still requires two PSPs)–as one player makes more points, the boundary creeps closer to the loser’s side, taking away playspace. Puzzle mode is a nice break from the fast paced action of challenge and versus modes that has you trying to duplicate certain shapes with the blocks. The common aspect to all modes is progression. Reaching new levels unlocks skins or character avatars for use in other modes, and beating a puzzle unlocks the next puzzle. Pretty basic puzzle game stuff.

As wonderful as Lumines is, there are parts that just bug the hell out of me. The unlockables don’t seem reward enough when you’ve had your eyes locked on the screen for hours straight without blinking. As you get further hypnotized and progress to some of the higher levels and insane speeds, the transitions between different skins can be very annoying and wreak unpleasant havoc in my brain–and I’ve already got plenty of that. Plus, I don’t think some of the skins are as high quality as most of them. I rush my way through those levels so I don’t have to listen to the sub-par sounds or look at the eye-watering images.

Sadly, the inherent good brain-havoc that comes with such great puzzle games is partially supplanted by these other havocs. They’re the anarchists of thoughtgovernment. I know they’re just sitting up there plotting and scheming to overthrow the bureaucracy. I wish I could scratch my brain. There’s something about the need for square shapes or maybe the hurried nature of it that causes unwanted stress. So much so that if I wasn’t completely hypnotized by the sights and sounds, I’d probably put the game back in its case. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but it stirs up Escher-like images in my mind that might suggest I’m psychologically unstable. Oh well, no one’s perfect. But perhaps all my problems with this game are just personal because I don’t like this flavor of chaos and disorder. For that reason, I give the incredibly addictive, groovy, and mostly fun Lumines a 4 out of 5.

Ultimate conclusion of revenge thrilling, and such things.

Alright, kiddies, here’s the thrilling conclusion to the ultimate story of revenge. Or rather, the review of the thrilling conclusion to the ultimate story of revenge. And Quentin, you’re a genius. On these movies anyway. For those who didn’t bother reading my review of volume one (you should be ashamed!), this movie (and review) is really just a continuation of that. It still stars all the same people, is still written and directed by that genius Quentin Tarantino and also co-written and starring Uma Thurman. This movie, however, was never meant to have two portions. So the very beginning of volume two is a little jerky to get started, and if you haven’t seen the first volume, I guarantee you’ll be more than a little confused, because Tarantino doesn’t spend any time explaining the previous movie except in a small excerpt where the Bride talks about the “roaring rampage of revenge” that was the previous movie. But, I think that Tarantino was under the assumption that the only people willing to watch volume two would had to have watched and enjoyed volume one.

Plot

The same as volume one, only this time, the Bride (AKA Beatrix Kiddo, you get to know the name this time!) is finishing her quest of revenge. You also get some insight into what happened that inspired the revenge. The beginning of the movie actually shows the entire scene of the wedding rehearsal in which Bill and the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad brutally murdered everyone in the chapel (every one, but one of course). Also in the plot of volume two, you get to meet the Bride’s daughter who was assumed dead until the last words of volume one, leaving one hell of a cliffhanger. The only unfortunate thing about the plot in this movie is the final showdown between Bill and Beatrix. That showdown seemed a little short. They didn’t even get a chance to cross Hanzo swords, it was just a five second mini battle where Beatrix did the “five point palm exploding heart technique” that she learned from the reclusive Pai Mei. So over all, the final fight scene was both awesome and disappointing. But oh well, the rest of the movie leading up to that was great.

Visual

The visuals in volume two are quite similar to those in volume one. There are still black and white scenes, although the quantity of these moments is severely reduced in volume two. Other key imagery includes the plucking of Elle Driver’s (Darrel Hannah) one good eye, and the black mamba left in the case full of money (Budd’s demise, in case you were wondering). But this volume really was a touch disappointing in the way of key imagery, as there just seemed to be a shortage. It seemed much more like a run of the mill movie instead of a Quentin Tarantino that it really is. But like I mentioned before, this movie was never intended to have two volumes, it was just too long for one movie. It’s perhaps unfortunate that both movies could not be balanced because of the necessary split.

Audio

The soundtrack here is even better than the first volume, which is saying a whole lot because the music in volume one is so excellent that I need new pants just thinking about it. But I digress. The sound effects are also excellent, in the scene were Beatrix is buried alive, the sound of her punching the top of the makeshift “coffin” is so realistic that you can really believe you’re buried alive with her. Sorry, don’t mean to give away some of the movie, but it’s so cool that I just had to mention it.

Acting

Same as before. Although the actors in this one are generally more talented than those in volume one, it’s all still on the same level as the prior. Bill, played by David Carradine, is by far the best acted character, and most certainly the most creative and genuine. Uma still did an excellent job, and just as in volume one she really kicked some serious ass and handled a samurai sword like no blonde woman ever has before (unless it’s my “samurai sword” get it? My wife is blonde! Ha!).

Summary

So, in all reality, this volume just isn’t quite as good as before, but that’s most likely just a victim of splitting the movie in two. This volume is much less gory and bloody than the first volume, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Although that makes the movie more suitable for younger viewers, it also kind of condemns the movie, as the excessive blood and gore in the first volume really added a sense of comedy to the film (strange though that may seem). Does this movie conclude in a satisfying way? You better believe it. But I do believe that some more steps could have been taken to make the second half more balanced to the first, to help with a little bit of continuity.

4 points out of the “five point palm exploding heart technique”

Pirates!

Here it is, perhaps the newest movie to be reviewed so far. It just barely came out the three days before I am writing this, so I managed to see it on opening weekend (thanks LilPickle). But as with many sequels that appear from Hollywood, this movie is shrouded in disappointment. It still sports swashbuckling-a-plenty, and enormous amounts of fun and entertainment, but it really just seemed to lack. A lot of the attitude and so called “heart” of the first movie simply didn’t carry over to the sequel. Don’t get me wrong though, this movie was not bad. And certainly worth seeing and as soon as it comes to video I will be buying it. But it’s just simply not as good as the prior blockbuster smash. Directed by Gore Verbinski and still starring Johnny Depp and Keira Knightly and Orlando bloom (as well as many other names from the first that I was pleasantly surprised to see) this movie will certainly keep you entertained, even if you can barely understand what some of the characters are saying, and the quantity of action seems almost too excessive.

Plot

Captain Jack Sparrow sets out to discover a way to save his soul from the dreaded Davy Jones, to whom he owes a debt. Normally to do this he would use his compass that shows him what he wants the most, but it seems to not be working in this movie. So in order to save his soul, he uses William Turner (Orlando Bloom) as collateral with Davy Jones, and uses Elizabeth Swan to show him the way to a chest containing Davy Jones heart. Of course, nothing ever seems to work out for Captain Jack, and what seems a simple task quickly balloons into a full scale adventure, with no shortage of action. However, the plot is completely unresolved in this movie. Somehow in this movie’s 2 hours and 30 minutes of length, the filmmakers managed to only create questions in the plot, and leave you hanging horribly in the end of the movie with more question than when you entered the theater. And that really pisses me off. I like a good cliffhanger as much as the next person, but in my opinion, a cliffhanger should at least answer a few of your questions, and not leave you with more than when you came in.

Visual

Here the sequel is significantly better than the first movie. In the first, there were many places that the CGI was just less than the up-to-snuff standards common with current day filmmaking technology. But Dead Man’s Chest certainly does not leave you questioning the quality of CGI, even the giant squid scenes are so believable it almost looks like they used live action animals instead of CG. Davy Jones himself was a great deal of CG, as was his crew. And it was so well performed that you really barely notice what CG you can actually see. More key visuals along the same lines of the first movie are still present here, including a trip to the island of Tortuga, which is basically one big brawl all day and all night. Plus, the backgrounds in the islands and main lands are excellent, and you can’t believe even for a minute that you are sitting in the movie theater and not really there with the characters.

Audio

Here’s another point that this movie excels. Another excellent revision to an already fantastic theme song is key here. All through the movie they play a song nearly identical to the first movie, and just as the music in the first set the mood, so does the song here. In every scene it is employed, the main theme either increases the idea of the pirate’s life, or brings you down to the depths with Davy Jones himself. The sound effects are also excellent, but then again I did see it in the theater, so perhaps in the DVD format the sound effects won’t be quite as good, but I somehow doubt that when comparing with the sound effects present in the first DVD.

Acting

Johnny Depp is once again in very rare form, and is most excellent in this role just as in the first. I honestly don’t think that anyone else could be Captain Jack Sparrow with anywhere near the effectiveness of Depp. Keira Knightly is hot as hell just as before, although I was a little disappointed in her role here. Instead of the pure honest governor’s daughter she played in the first movie, here she plays a slightly trampy pirate-wanabe who just doesn’t have the same heart and soul as I was expecting based on the role in “Curse of the Black Pearl.” Also, it seemed like just about everyone was mumbling in this movie, some of the characters could barely be heard through their fancy “Old-English” speak. And the voodoo witch doctor Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris) has an accent so thick that you have to strain to try and understand her.

Summary

Lay off the action a little bit and spread on some more plot and character development and answer a few more questions before the cliffhanger, and this movie increases in quality three-fold. But as it is, there is just too much action and too little everything else. But again don’t get me wrong, I think the action (when it was properly planned) was beautifully executed and well performed. It just seemed like the swashbuckling was nonstop through the whole flick, leaving little time to sit back and breathe in the two and a half hour behemoth. So based on this, I simply cannot give this movie as good of a score as the prior movie received, so all in all I give Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest a visually stunning 3 Aaaaaarrrgh matey’s out of 5

Striking similarities between Scientology and Wipeout Pure: mere coincidences? or conspiracy?

I remember being a little squirt playing the Wipeout demo on the Playstation over and over again, bearing through all the unnecessary loading that comes with demo discs–it was that impressive. Mind-blowing speed, the dramatic battling for first, and unique tracks all helped make Wipeout one of the icons of modern gaming. But Wipeout went the way such as Tom Cruise is now going, and it makes you ashamed to admit you were a fan. I don’t know if it was because of the overload, it stopped being fun, or Xenu and the clams. Take your pick of whose downfall I’m referring to. After a noticeable absence though, Wipeout has returned in it’s purest form to bring racing bliss to the PSP. I’m not entirely sure why this game is so brilliant compared to it’s predecessors; it’s still the same old Wipeout. It’s still break-neck speeds and fierce combat on extreme courses. The only difference is it’s now handheld.

“Pure” or “Clear,” eh… close enough Tom

I think the reason for this version’s success lies in it’s relentless attention to the concept of purity. The intro video, menus, controls, music, and… oh the racing all make you feel like a real competitor in the futuristic FX300 racing league. Every developer out there should take note on how important atmosphere is to a games success: the previous games did nothing different concerning gameplay, but they weren’t even close to making such an impact as Pure has. But I never claimed the music was good. Think what you will of me, but I’m pretty sure music of the future will mature beyond electronica’s current belief that it can be rhythmless without being painful to listen to. Yuck. Rhythm is not just a fad guys, it’s here to stay.

Levels and Free Zones

I’m talking about the levels of difficulty and the race mode “Zone”, not Scientology–I swear. This game is truly unique for me because it’s one of only a few that I just cannot beat. The first three race classes I can handle relatively well, but the 4th and 5th difficulty settings are impossibly hard! I guess this is a nice change, but disappointing that I will never finish it. And the ever-increasing-speed Zone mode and some of the time trial races are just too difficult and frustrating. I’m not totally disappointed though because the only reward you get is a concept drawing for each track and mode in which you finish first.

Scientology versus the Internet

One very important aspect of Pure (but is no longer as important) is its connectivity. With a wi-fi connection, you can download new tracks and ships for free! I love new content, but the best part of it was you could hack the settings to allow use of the simplistic browser for the World Wide Web! Before this became a standard feature of the PSP’s operating system, this game was the only way to do that. Plus, multiplayer capabilities are given through ad hoc mode, but sadly not also through infrastructure mode. I probably would play this game a lot more if there were dedicated servers so I could play anyone at any time.

It’s great to see Wipeout in the spotlight again, and any PSP library would be incomplete without it. I only wish they would’ve done more. Customizable ships maybe? or a custom soundtrack would be awesome! I’ll always have a soft spot for this series, but I hope the developers realize the next installment needs to be groundbreaking lest they’ll be jumping back into their old pit of despair–and Mr. Cruise isn’t a very good roommate. I give Wipeout Pure 3 hair-brained stars out of 5.

Getting ready for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, we thought reviewing the first Pirates would be timely.

Who’s in the mood for an adventurous tale with swashbuckling galore? Because with this movie you’ll capture exactly that. Adventure in the time of pirates and when the British were still a powerful nation. As this movie is already several years old and the sequel is damn near in theaters already, I’m sure there’s not a single person to read this that hasn’t already seen this immensely popular Disney movie. But just in case, I shall proceed as normal (meaning I’m lazy and don’t want to change my template). Directed by Gore Verbinski and starring such huge names as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightly, this movie is quite appropriate for almost all ages and even entertains time and time again. Although it does have its flaws (such as occasional bad CGI and minor plot holes) it doesn’t fail to keep your attention for any length of time.

Plot

A very young Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) discovers a boy floating out in the Atlantic after a “shipwreck” and discovers a strange golden medallion around his neck, which she takes in order to prevent the boy from being killed as a pirate. Some many years later (while wearing a corset *boioioiioing*), she falls into the ocean and inadvertently signals a band of cursed pirates aboard a mystical ship who are searching for the same medallion. After being captured by the pirates and giving the fake last name of the man she secretly loves, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), she is taken to an island where the pirates attempt a ritual to lift a terrible curse. In the meanwhile, Turner enlists the assistance of pirate Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to attempt to save Elizabeth from a gruesome fate. It’s from here that the whole tale stems, leading from one exciting sword fight to another right until an epic battle between the undead pirates and the British navy.

Visual

Excellent cinematography is key to this movie, and although most of the camera angles are very mainstream, every camera angle is beautifully planned and very well executed. The only issue with the visuals is the occasionally poor CGI. The pirates of the Black Pearl (that’s the ship) are undead, and under the moonlight they are revealed for what they are, corpses. The corpses are excellently animated, and each one is completely different than the others. So it’s fairly obvious that a significant amount of funding was spend in the creation of these skeletons, but it looks like they skimped on other places of CGI because of this.

Audio

The music here is fantastic. It’s unique and fitting and actually helps bring the swashbuckling mood of the movie into reality. Although the music is nothing I would own, it is extremely enjoyable in the movie and really helps to set the proper mood. As for sound effects, they are quite excellent, but you will most likely need to have surround sound to truly get all the worth out of the effects.

Acting

This is where the movie really shines. Johnny Depp so perfectly portrays the slightly mad Captain Jack Sparrow that you can really believe it’s not even an actor but actually the character being portrayed. Orlando Bloom also does a very notable job in personifying the secret love interest, and is really quite the sword fighter here. Keira Knightly even does a very believable job (plus she has really nice tits).

Summary

Despite the slight flaws in the plot and less than great CGI in a few places, this movie does efficiently capture your attention and keep you entertained throughout the whole movie. I really enjoyed seeing a high quality pirate tale actually coming out of Hollywood, as most of the drivel they produce is unfit for the screen. So if you’re in the mood for swashbucklin-a-plenty, sit back and enjoy this movie’s well earned 4 out of 5.

How stupid are you LilPickle? Did you forget how the Special Forces review went?

Since they’ve released Special Forces, I haven’t wanted to play any more of this messed up game. What good are new maps, new vehicles, and special guns when all on-foot combat sucks, controls are glitchy and laggy, and no one is willing to play the new maps with the new vehicles? Then their European Forces booster came out… *yawn*. Then Armored Fury was next, and I couldn’t help but wonder if people cared at all? I know I didn’t, that is until I saw a picture with my all time favorite AH-6 Littlebird from 1942’s Desertcombat mod! After putting on some new pants, I immediately purchased this booster pack and haven’t stopped playing since.

Boonsion/Expanster pack

Booster packs make so much more sense than expansion packs, because expansion packs will only divide the players. The only difference between them in this case is the expansion pack provided new exclusive guns. Sure, Special Forces also claims to provide new gameplay, but I recall giving that a 1 out of 5. And considering the $20 price difference between Armored Fury and Special Forces, it’s like EA and DICE are acknowledging all you’re paying for are the exclusive guns when you buy Special Forces–which I want to make perfectly clear once again, NO ONE SHOULD EVER DO.

The re-introduction of reason

So ten dollars for new maps and new vehicles? That sounds perfectly reasonable. I still think it should be free, but at least this way more people are willing to purchase it. That means the new maps and vehicles are actually played! All of the maps take place in America this time, bringing a fresh breath of air to the tired old environments we’re used to playing in. You’ll be fighting in the mountains in Alaska at night, or around an interstate intersection with truckstops, or right through a Quaker’s living room in Pennsylvannia. It puts a smile on my face! I just wish there was a Honolulu map…

I gonna need some orange, yellow, and brown paint, Tom Selleck, and a tropical island

The new vehicles are the A-10, the Littlebird, the SU-39, the Chinese Fantan Q-5, and two other helis that only wish they were as cool as the Littlebird. Oh, and there are also tractor-trailers on the Operation Road Rage map. No mounted guns on those, sadly. Zipping around in the Littlebird is all I could have asked of this booster pack though, and it is such sweet bliss! It feels great to be behind the stick on that thing, and I laugh at you people that can’t fly the helis. You are SO missing out on bunches of fun. They gave the thing miniguns, thankfully, but also the unique ability to function as a UAV all the time! The Littlebird alone adds more unique tactics and teamwork than all of Special Forces claimed to do. But leave it to DICE to try and “balance” everything. I completely understand they didn’t want the Littlebird to be too powerful (because I’d end every round with 200 points otherwise), but they could’ve treated the miniguns differently. Rather than slightly dropping the power of each bullet, they dropped the firing rate so you only shoot like 4 rounds a second… that’s 2 bullets from each minigun per second and the two guns alternate. I want that thing to be spraying hot lead so fast that I’ll empty them if I’m not careful! And I want the sound that would accompany that! This is always the one most disappointing thing about BF2–the sound design.

4th time’s the charm, right?

As I’ve mentioned, on-foot combat never will be as good as other games, but those games don’t allow for vehicles on the scale this game does. I think it’s a great idea to have such a complete battlefield, but DICE needs to rethink all of their balancing that goes with it. I really enjoy this booster pack, and the name explains why. It emphasizes vehicle combat instead of troop combat. And the new maps are a welcome change from Karkand all the time. Armored Fury heroically revives BF2 till the next installment is released. Being their 4th package to come out, it’s about time one of them receive a 4 out of 5. Now I have to go buzz around in my Littlebird while I crank the Magnum P.I. theme song.

We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.

Ah, finally a movie with Jim Carrey where he doesn’t overact every scene. Not that I’m complaining, sometimes I really enjoy a good Jim Carrey irrelevant comedy, but there are other times that I really don’t. Fortunately, this movie is able to retain its comic value even with only one or two scenes of Jim’s usual interchangeable type of comedy. Directed by Dean Parisot and starring Jim Carrey, Tea Leoni, and Alec Baldwin, this movie is a refreshing break from the usual comic drivel seeping out of the wounds of Hollywood (Sorry…its late. Or early. Uh, right).

Plot

After finally reaching a new height on the corporate ladder, Dick Harper finds the company in dire trouble when the owner strips it off and sells its assets (or something, I’m just a mechanic not a CEO what do you want?) After being framed and publicly ashamed from Globodyne’s horrific death, Dick and Jane Harper take it into their own hands by stealing back everything that was taken from them. From robbing the local starbucks to ripping off a nearby headshop, the “dynamic duo” rob their way back into the comforts of vice president life. Then taking on one last job, the two manage to trick the ex-owner of Globodyne Jack McCallister (Alec Baldwin) into giving 400 million dollars to fulfill the pensions and stuff of the ex-employees. But don’t just take my word for it, there’s more to it than just thievin’ and trickin’.

Visual

This movie did an excellent job in personifying the life and lifestyles of the suburbs in the year 2000, and the portrayal of CEO and VP life in the city was expertly and efficiently crafted. Whoa, I just blacked out a bit there. What was I saying? Right, moving on. Otherwise excellent cinematography but nothing worth mention. By that I mean it was good but very run-of-the-mill.

Audio

I love the music in this flick. I really found myself absorbed by the music, but only because it was not subtle. It was obvious and clearly intended to be that way. It actually helped to bring the movie to reality as strange as that may be. In most movies I look for subtle background type music that isn’t noticeable when it shouldn’t be, but without active music I don’t think this movie would have worked quite as well.

Acting

Top notch. As I mentioned briefly in the intro, Jim Carrey did not overdo this movie, and I found it to be a refreshing break from his more typical comedy. Tea Leoni is also quite noteworthy here; she made the perfect suburb housewife and played the part effortlessly. As for Alec Baldwin, also quite enjoyable. I really bought into the whole CEO part, but I don’t think he was quite as good as Jim Carrey. Pretty damn close, but just not quite.

Summary

It’s really quite unfortunate that this movie did not do better in the box office, as I believe it’s one the better movies coming out of Hollywood in quite some time. Beyond what I think though, many other people I have spoken to about this movie mentioned about how thoroughly enjoyable it was. Even my parents (whom I try to shield from anything rated R) actually enjoyed this movie. There was no gratuitous violence and certainly no nudity and any adult content fit into the theme and feel of the movie flawlessly without being overwhelming.

4 “I’m being indicted!” out of 5

Some of you may already know how I feel about Battlefield 2. I’m pretty sure my neighbors know what I think about it. But in case you’re one of the lucky people that don’t know, I’ll give you my condensed gripe. If it wasn’t for the whole on-foot combat deal, it would be a good game. But for some reason they thought battles should have troops and firearms, causing controls that are non-responsive, weapons that are “realistic AND balanced,” and many temptations to put my fist through someone’s face. Their reward system has been so inconsistent from so many changes that they’ve devalued all of it. And they keep pushing expansion packs on us. So I bought Special Forces thinking it would be fun to do covert ops instead of the fubar open battle stuff. Hey, I never claimed to be smart.

Special indeed

The package does a number of things: it gives you special kits that you can use not only in SF servers, but also in normal BF2 servers; it gives you new maps to run around in; and those new maps have new vehicles in them. Wait, I paid 30 bucks for that? I’ve been had.

I was expecting dramatically different gameplay. New guns, new scenarios, new equipment, new tactics–each of those things would be interdependent, and I could then forgive the sloppy, laggy controls. FUCK! I don’t even have to play the game to get as angry as I normally would, I merely have to think about it. None of my expectations came true! I could’ve run a cheese grater across my face and saved myself the money.

MMMM, shredded cheese

What the package really does: it spits in the face of people that are too smart to pay for an extra serving of shitty gameplay and a side of guns; it gives you new maps… that aren’t ever played online because people would rather play Karkand AGAIN; and it taunts you with the new vehicles you’ll never see because THEY’RE ONLY ON THOSE MAPS NO ONE PLAYS.

Yeah, there are servers out there that play new maps and try to take advantage of the new tactics and equipment. But in the end, they are still just as fucked up as BF2 games. Zip lines, grappling hooks, night vision, tear gas and all the new gimmicks don’t make a difference when the weapons are so thrown out of whack from poor balancing, the battlefields aren’t conducive to any new tactics, and the controls still suck.

Warning: oncoming rant!

How am I supposed to snipe someone quickly when I right-click to zoom in and the game lags back out or uncontrollably dances my scope across the screen like a fairy? And even if it doesn’t dance or zoom back out immediately, I have to let the gun “settle” before shooting? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? The only settling in real life would be on the end of the person holding the gun, and you don’t have to fucking simulate that for me because my arm is still a part of the aiming process! You’re telling me that I wasn’t ready to shoot when I’ve already moved the crosshair to the prick I want to shoot, stopped moving the mouse, and clicked! What part of that wasn’t I ready for or hadn’t already executed that I have to give the gun a second to catch up with me? So many times I’ve missed the easiest targets because of bullshit like that, when the crosshair was plainly on the stationary, unaware guy’s head.

Or just running and gunning, I keep the crosshair on the guy and burst fire. Even with movements and repeated firing, I make it a point to not let the reticle extend further that the width of the guy at that range, but it still misses three quarters of the time. And when it takes 6 shots from a pistol to kill a guy, I’d have to shoot 24 times to kill him. I get the distinct impression that the fuckers at DICE got too wrapped up in balancing every damn thing they didn’t realize how retarded they were making it. Even worse–after they “balanced” everything–they decided to throw “realism” in the mix. Call me crazy, but getting shot once is usually enough. Maybe they need a demonstration at DICE so they can get a dose of realism. What is this 6 shot kill bullshit? What pisses me off the most is there is always that one guy who’s mastered this shitty setup and can kill you in 2 shots every time, no matter the gun or distance.

EA is putting down the people that just want to have fun by saying, “If you don’t buy this expansion pack, you can’t have as much fun as the people who pay us to be shitty.” I’m insulted by the continuing poor quality, high price for a bunch of lousy maps, and lack of noticeable difference in gameplay. New maps should be not only unique, but free to everyone, otherwise people will just play on the server with a population (which happens to be 24/7 Karkand) Releasing Wake Island for free was the smartest (the only smart one) move you guys have made. Don’t overload us with maps that don’t benefit tactics or teamwork. And most importantly, don’t punish the loyal gamers for not buying each of your expansions. WHY ON EARTH SHOULD THEY HAVE TO PLAY WITH SHITTY GUNS against the better special guns just because they think you don’t deserve their money?

And another thing… the only benefit you get from owning this is the use of the new guns. But the game is so fucking glitchy that you aren’t even guaranteed the ability to use them everytime. One round you’ll be happily using them, and the next, it won’t even acknowledge their existence. That is unless of course you log out, log back in, rejoin whatever stupid server you were in, miss out on the first 5 minutes of the game and hope you get lucky.

I want the assholes in charge at DICE to know, I WON’T STAND FOR THIS KIND OF CRAP. FIX YOUR DAMN PROBLEMS AND STOP CHARGING US OUTRAGEOUS PRICES FOR INCOMPLETE SOFTWARE. This expansion is far from worthwhile and should’ve been included as part of the game last year when BF2 released. And it definitely isn’t worth 30 bucks when all you end up with is a new set of virtual guns that magically disappear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go reduce some stress somehow so I can get to sleep tonight.

1 hit out of 5 shots!? WTF!