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The Burton-ized remake

Just for clarification, this is the NEW version of the movie, not the old version. This is the version that editor-in-chief LilPickle refuses to watch. But little does he (and many other people) realize this version is far superior to the prior vintage musical. And no, before you ask, this is NOT a musical. Music does play an important role in this updated flick, but at no point do you have to sit and endure the new version of “Cheer up Charlie,” which is most good because that song blew my left nut. In fact, the only singing you have to endure here is the all new and very creative Oompa Loompa songs. Directed by the acclaimed Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp, this delightful romp actually makes dark movies fun again. But before you go saying things like “King, it’s supposed to be a light, airy movie,” I say shut your piehole for a sec and check this out: the movie is based off a book, and the book took on a very dark theme. This movie was far truer to the original story than the 1971 flick.

Plot

Reclusive chocolatier Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp) realizes that he is getting old and must assign an heir to his factory, and since he has no family to speak of, he sends out five golden tickets in a world-wide lottery. After much hope and several candy bars, a very poor lad by the name of Charlie Bucket (Freddie Highmore) discovers a golden ticket. He and his grandfather are then to be taken on a tour of the enormous Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory. But you probably all knew that anyway. The plot here is vaguely similar to the original movie. Also, the same characters still exist with the same mannerisms (although they are updated to current day standards). In the end, the same offer to Charlie still exists, but it’s here that the filmmakers took a slightly different path by remaining truer to the book. Charlie actually denies the offer for the factory at first because Willy Wonka does not want Charlie to ever see his family again. But after some time, Wonka realizes the error of his ways and allows Charlie’s family to come live in the factory and everyone lives happily ever after and so on. One other key plot difference between this and the original flick, is that the new one no longer utilizes the whole “everlasting gobstopper” thing, where the competition guy tries to bribe the children who go on the tour to bring him the gobstopper. Tim Burton wisely chose to leave that out of this movie.

Visual

Quite stunning. Key visuals include the dirty, leaning shanty that the Bucket family lives in, the snow-covered town bustling with people, the huge, mysterious factory, and so on. It is quite easy to buy into the visuals’ hook, line and sinker here–and that’s all before entering the factory. The factory itself is filled with awe-inspiring CGI and even real creations of candy and chocolate. Everything in the factory is made to look straight from the pages of the original book, and the execution is absolutely flawless. Another signature visual is the use of only one Oompa Loompa (Deep Roy) and using CGI to recreate Oompa Loompas in the hundreds. But, this is no cheesy effect. Deep Roy actually acted out several different movements per scene, and all were added together to create each scene. Perfectly executed.

Audio

I can’t stress enough how happy I am that “Cheer up Charlie” did not make it into the update. God I hated that song. Plus, all the Oompa Loompa songs are catchy and original, and none of them sound the same. This really helps make a different feel for the movie: it doesn’t quite seem so rehearsed, instead it really seems much more on-the-spot. As for sound effects, nothing truly stunning to speak of, but all was done very tastefully and noting seemed out of place.

Acting

Everything in this section was quite spot-on. Johnny Depp perfectly played the reclusive chocolate king. From the flashbacks to the confused looks, everything about Willy Wonka was fantastically executed by Depp. As for the other actors, they all gave remarkable performances, but I think you’d have to watch the movie to truly respect the performances.

Summary

For all you people who refuse to open their minds to this movie, you’re all jerks. This movie rocked. And I say that from a professional standpoint of course (I don’t see your movie reviews on websites, do I?). So here’s the final word: unclench that butthole a bit and go rent this movie. I’m sure blockbuster will have a copy or twelve, and I highly doubt my review is going to make twelve people in every major city go to blockbuster and rent this movie. Anyway, I do need to summarize and say that this movie was a far superior update from the old vintage seventies flick with Gene Wilder. Even if you don’t believe everything I said prior to this point, I very strongly recommend this movie to people of all ages. It’s worth your time, I promise. Oh and LilPickle? I expect you to borrow this movie any day now…*

5 Squirrels’ nuts out of 5

*Editor’s Note: …And I expect one of these days I’ll get a review from you that we can agree on its star rating, but that doesn’t mean either will happen. I just want to clarify that I refuse to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ever again, and because of that, I don’t want to watch this version. It’s like a mouse hitting the shock button the first time and later being told it was changed to the food release button–I still won’t risk getting shocked when the old food release button continues to work. Damn scientists.

A Mel Brooks written flick with singing and dancing? No way!

I’m sure you all remember seeing trailers for this flick, you know, the new Mel Brooks produced and written movie? With the singing and dancing? Yeah, that’s the one. It really bombed seriously hardcore in the box office. But you want to know the real shocker about this musical (and not just that I, a mechanic, actually watched a musical)? This movie was freakin’ great. It came out at the same time as some huge flick, but for all my searching on imdb.com, I could not figure out which movie. That really was unfortunate though, because this movie, in my opinion, could be one of the best to come out in 2005. And I have never watched a musical that I actually enjoyed, so that’s saying a whole lot. Set in the 1950s and starring Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman, Nathan Lane, and Will Ferrell, nothing about this movie disappoints. It’s fun, entertaining, captivating, thrilling, and sometimes a little gay (by a little I mean–damn).

Plot

Down-on-his-luck Broadway producer Max Bialystock (Nathan Lane) and his excitable accountant Leopold Bloom (Matthew Broderick) realize that under the right circumstances, it’s possible to make more money with a broadway flop than with a hit. So the two scheme together to create the ultimate Broadway flop of all time. The two procure the worst play ever written: “Springtime for Hitler” written by the psychotically devoted pigeon-farming, ex-nazi Franz Liebkind (Will Ferrell). Then they hire the worst director possible, a flamboyantly gay cross-dresser. Then they hire (mostly by mistake) a beautiful Swedish blonde named Ulla (Uma Thurman) to star in the flop. But just before the premiere, Franz Liebkind who was supposed to play Hitler, breaks his leg. And taking over for him: the flamboyantly gay director. Due to the acting of this director, the show is a hit. This leaves Max and Leo in an awful pickle that leads from one twist to another right until the end of the movie (not to mention multiple fascinating singing and dancing scenes).

Visual

Very cool. The Producers accurately portrays life in New York in the 50’s and the lighting is fascinating. Just when you think the scene is getting bland, some cool lighting or a strangely dressed director pops into view. Very impressive, and I could not find any real flaws in the visuals of this flick. Extra props to the choreographers of this movie, it was very impressive to see such high-name actors dancing in time and with accuracy.

Audio

The music in this movie was very impressive, the wording was creative and comical and perhaps a touch melodramatic at times, but is so excellently performed that you almost forget that they are singing, it just seems like better acting. As for other audio touches, there’s nothing to really mention. Any sound effects were good but not overwhelming, and in a movie like this it fit exactly the way it should have. God damn the singing was great.

Acting

The actors just flat out made this movie. Everyone’s performances were spot on. Even Will Ferrell didn’t damage the movie by overacting, as he often does. But the acting and musical acting was absolutely flawless. I really can’t stress enough how excellent all the actors and actresses were here, especially Matthew Broderick. His performance as the manic, excitable, compulsive accountant was excellent.

Summary

Nothing about this movie disappoints me. I actually felt like it was a musical that anyone can enjoy. From young children to old adults, you can easily appreciate the subtle humor, the obvious humor, and the melodramatic humor. All while enjoying stellar vocal performances from everyone in the cast. And the dancing is pretty damn good too. If you only rent one movie this summer, I strongly recommend this. Even if it does seem a little long for a musical, the ending fits flawlessly into the rest of the movie, so the extra time is well worth it.

5 “Adolf Elizibeth Hitler?” out of 5

A fun game that most people can enjoy, just not me

Good games for the PSP are hard to come by these days. So when I played Daxter I was hoping for the best. I heard many PSPers excited about Daxter and even read many reviews praising this game (I’m so ashamed I needed other people’s opinions to review this). What did I find when I played it? I think all those gamers have forgotten what an excellent game is.

I can’t be too critical of it though. This review may be biased because I prefer shooting things dead rather than jumping on their heads as in platformers. And I can’t really say I’m a fan of the Jak & Daxter games. But I swear I gave it a good whirl, and I did have fun at times.

So what is a game with a naughty ottsel about? Well, you escape the baddies by the hair’s length on your tail, but your friend Jak doesn’t. So you make it your mission to free him… by temp working as an exterminator, of course. You’ll fly-swat and spray-gun your way through a number of levels until the story finally catches up with you. The charm of this game comes from the characters. Who knew ottsels were so witty and spunky? Fun minigames (all of them timing, Simon Says style) provide solid entertainment after a long day’s bug killing, but sadly, they lose their flavor quickly even with the hilarious movie rip-offs. Other segments have you chasing down some monster insect or gunning for your driver; we’ve seen it all before.

Audio design and visuals are light and pleasant as expected for a ESRB rated E platformer. Further, Daxter has the best controls I’ve seen on the PSP yet, making this a great game for anyone to just pick up and play. Secrets and unlockable extras help keep this game from sitting on a shelf, plus the multiplayer functionality adds to its greatness. But I was disappointed with how un-driven I was to play Daxter. I never crave it and probably won’t work to get my perfectionist side’s 100% completion. The multiplayer bug battles seem like a flimsy, unfinished game of rock-paper-scissors where your rock is a pebble, your paper is riddled with holes, and your scissors are “special”. Every problem I have with this game I’m sure is just personal taste, so hardcore gamers may want to save their money for Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops instead. There was so much charm and pleasantness coming from my PSP I had to play Doom for a while to regain normality. This sort of thing just isn’t my game, but children and light gamers may find it irresistible.

Parents and overbearing politicians can have peace-of-mind, too: I thoroughly tested this game and found no drinking of hot caffeinated beverages made from a particular variety of bean. I certainly don’t want mass controversy over a 10+ game jumping to an 18+ game considering how much a 17+ to 18+ game twisted everyone’s panties (didn’t anyone ever consider the fact that GTA: SA was already a mature rated title? Apparently not even the politicians and parents weren’t “mature” enough to play that game). Really people, stop with the squabbling and finger pointing and take responsibility for your own damn kids. Thus concludes my rant–back to the review. Where was I?

Daxter doesn’t redefine the genre, but it does everything flawlessly. So after adjusting my biased score, I’m immediately finding myself a violent, dirty, hooker-murder simulator.

4 cute overload vomits out of 5

Episodes invade!

Finally, an episode that doesn’t suck like Star Wars Episode II, is more exciting than an episode of Matlock, and just as crazy as that one episode you had when you found out the kid you’ve been raising for the past 10 years wasn’t actually yours. Don’t worry, this one game might just make you forget about the whole incident–it’s that good.

Picking up right at the end of Half-Life 2, Episode One throws the story into overdrive as you and Alyx and Dog go on the mission to slow the Citadel’s dark energy core explosion. I think this is story-telling in a game at its finest. Too often the creative process is rushed and mediocre content is pushed out. Even Half-Life 2 can be accused of this. But it seems when the people at Valve aren’t developing engines and getting hacked, they have time to do much better. This episode successfully sends the player through a variety of atmospheres and moods (focusing on horror, but also allowing emotion and humor). Thankfully, the scripted sequences Half-Life was famous for have increased in quality dramatically. Characters have convincingly developed, and even the acting is great. I got so immersed in the story that I couldn’t believe it when it was over. Leaving people wanting more is definitely good, unless it’s Matlock.

Gameplay can’t get better until technology allows for convincing virtual reality. I can’t express enough how perfect the controls are and how well everything handles. There are no soap-box-car strings attached or screaming monkeys here (I’m looking at you Battlefield 2). Every FPS needs to have controls like these. But we all know it isn’t just about the shooting, we need brain food too. Let me put it like this: remember American Gladiators? the one with the mullets, yeah. Remember the game where the contender had to run under fire to get to the next weapon to return fire on the Gladiator? Imagine doing that where the Gladiator is a Combine sniper, your air-powered rocket is now a reprogrammed rolling mine/gravity gun combo, and there are no points for just running to the end of the course. And if you still have that mullet, cut it now. Basically, Valve doesn’t cease to amaze me with their physics puzzles, teamwork with friendly AI and changing combat tactics. It is SO fun when Alyx is fighting alongside you as you attempt to fight off the antlions, combine and zombine all at the same time.

Technically, this game is really advanced. Valve’s HDR is in full effect and looks amazing (I hope you have a good computer). Perhaps my favorite improvement in Episode One is the soundtrack. HL2’s music was good, but there wasn’t enough of it. This time around, all I can say is wow. This stuff is better and more focused for each situation. I can’t find the music in mp3 format fast enough.

I should also note that Half-Life 2 isn’t a requirement for this game to work. Maybe it’ll finally convince you to buy HL2 if you buy the 20 bucks cheap condensed Episode One. Maybe Star Wars Episode 2 is actually the best of all of the movies. Maybe the Pope DOES shit in the woods. Maybe you’ll stop spending all your money on some other guy’s kid and buy the best FPS games ever created. WHY ARE YOU WAITING? This sentence is only keeping you from buying HL2 or Episode One!  5 strained episode references out of 5.

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A landmark in filmmaking, too bad it’s not as good as we remember.

Okay courageous readers, here’s something new for you. The first review of a movie based very stongly on a book. Due to the complexity of the original Michael Crichton book, I kind of have to look at this review in a different manner. This was both a good movie, and a crappy movie. By that I mean in comparison to the book. If you look at the book and compare directly to the movie, the movie sucked. However, if you look solely at the movie, it was a pretty damn good movie. Since most of my readers are likely more interested in the movie alone, I will focus purely on the latter. Just the movie. Directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Sam Neil, Jeff Goldblum, and Samuel L. Jackson (how many movies is he in anyway?), this movie is truly a landmark in filmaking as it was one of the first movies to have animals created in CGI.

Plot

Entreprenuer John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) discovers a way to clone dinosours by using the DNA extracted from the petrified remains of mostiquitos trapped in amber. After cloning many species and stuffing them on an island as a type of amusement park, he enlists the help of palentologist Alan Grant (Sam Neil), Paleobotonist Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), and mathmatician Ian Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) to help convince the investers that his park is safe. However, Hammond does not realize that park worker Dennis Nedry (Wayne Night) has other plans for the precious park, and attempts to steal embryos of the animals to sell to a competing company. After Nedry turns off security in the park, all hell breaks loose trapping Grant in the park with two children when the dinosaurs are loose and hungry for the hunt. Based on the Michael Crichton book of the same name, the plot follows fairly closely to the book, and only misses on a few small points.

Visual

The CGI is really very impressive considering that this movie was made in 1993, right at the beginning of CGI in movies. In fact, there are only a few points where you are able to distinguish the computer animated marvels from the animatronic; and those points are easy to overlook if you let the movie draw you in. Nothing really special in the way of cinematography, but it’s a Spielberg so each shot is well planned and captures exactly what it’s meant to. Just nothing creative and new from the camera angles.

Audio

Great theme song and decent music are key in this movie, as are the sound effects. However, in the way of sound effects, it is WAY too easy to pick out the individual animal sounds from the dino roars. I catch myself thinking “who let an elephant in here?” or “add some tiger to some dolphin and we’ve got a cool growling sound, that works.” That is my main complaint with this movie. If the dino roars were believable and not just a mash-up of current-day animal sounds, I think the movie would be a lot better off.

Acting

Meh. I’ve seen better. But I’ve seen a lot worse too. The acting either seems too flat or too forced. The actors don’t really seem to work to create the believability that a movie involving dinosaurs needs to be effective. But, they don’t really suck either. There are certain points where the acting is mostly believable, but those points almost always involve the minor details instead of the major. But, maybe I’m just being overly critical.

Summary

I really enjoy this movie each time I watch it. Back in the days before I had ADD I used to be a huge fan of Crichton, so naturaly I enjoy the movies based off of his books (except Timeline, god did that movie suck my swollen left nut). The only unfortunate thing about this flick is the mash-up of animal sounds for the roaring and growling sounds of the dinos, and the flat/forced acting. I do think Spielberg could have done better with both of those, but I will give props for the astoundingly smooth CGI, even for the old-school. All in all, this movie is more entertaining than high quality. It’s fun, but doesn’t really make you think. And sometimes we all need to be entertained and not made to think, right? So even though this 1993 movie disappoints in a few aspects, I give it a very stong 3 growling dolphins out of 5

Feel like playing a naughty game? Do us a favor and play this instead of strip poker. No one wants to see that.

Throughout video game history, there have been a number of exceedingly appropriate titles for games: God of War was war-like, Doom sent you to Hell, Devastation was devastating, and The Guy Game was… stupid. Wait, what?… Enter stage right SiN: Emergence. I feel I need to go to Confession after playing this game, and I’m not even Catholic. Extravagant Boobies, excessive swearing, glorified violence, g-strings, drive-bys, drugs, graffiti–they sure know how to make a gamer feel at home. But even if you aren’t a fan of gratuitous sex and violence (who isn’t, I ask you?), you may still enjoy this shooter.

Based on the Half-Life 2 Source engine, this first episode in the SiN series has sophisticated graphics, advanced physics, and handles very well. People familiar with Half-Life will be immediately headshot’ing happily. Newcomers will discover how an engine is supposed to be made, as it is easy to learn yet difficult to master. Gameplay-wise, Emergence doesn’t radically change the experience from Half-Life 2, but every game can’t be groundbreaking (and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).

Emergence features custom difficulty settings that can make even the most leet gamer sweat or just let a casual gamer enjoy the scenery. Flaws in the A.I. can be rather annoying, however, as enemies shoot when they shouldn’t even be aware of you. At other times, they don’t shoot when they should. Further flaws allow weapons fire and grenades to travel through solid objects (it seems always in their favor, too). But since Emergence is handled by Steam, updating and correcting problems isn’t a major issue. And you little punks that think no game is too difficult for your leetness, you will be humbled on difficult settings.

The story is about as good as you can get from a 4th grade creative writing class. I don’t even recall why I was chasing this guy and shooting anyone in my way. Allah demands it… sounds like a good reason to me. And then there’s this lady who always talks bitchy to you. Throw in a good “you’ve been injected with something; now find the antidote” and some crazed mutants and you’ve got yourself a story. It doesn’t matter much anyways because I just want to shoot things. As more episodes are released, I hope the story becomes more intense and memorable. I like being drawn in, or immersed as it were. On a side note, why are mutants always crazed? Where are all the civilized mutants sipping tea and passing the crumpets?

The atmosphere of the game is a whole ‘nother chestnut. I couldn’t help but think of the similarities between this game’s atmosphere and Deus Ex: Invisible War’s atmosphere. The level of interaction, visual style, and sounds each reinforce the ideas of the similar future in found Deus Ex. Not to diminish the in-game music, but the title screen song “What’s The World Come To” is perhaps a video game first for being better than any in-game stuff. If only Emergence had its own Kidneythieves, I could groove while sinning so badly.

For twenty bucks, you can’t do much better than this. I think Ritual Entertainment has a good plan of capitalizing on low budget opportunities and selling smaller story segments at lower prices. I know I personally bought the game because it was so inexpensive. Just don’t expect a long game or a large variety of weapons–it’s called an episode for a reason. And just when you think it’s over, Ritual graciously provides the original 1998 SiN with multiplayer alongside Emergence for your shooting needs. All in all, it’s a decent package filled with everything sinful. To miss out on it when it is so inexpensive would simply be blasphemy.

3 “Hail Mary’s” out of 5

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War games matrixified

Welcome grateful readers to a change in my lineup…a TV show. Or rather, ex TV show. That’s right. Change. Who here likes the X-Files? Everyone? Good. Then you will love this show. Yeah, it’s not the X-Files, but it is along the same lines. I rather equate this show to X-Files meats the matrix. It’s frickin’ awesome. I am willing to bet though that all 1.4 of my loyal readers neither watched this show when it was on, nor remember it being on at all. And to that I say, too damn bad for you. But you’re in luck as Fox is a money whore and is now selling this great show in DVD format (they’ve shined away from beta since it stopped selling in the 70s…). Harsh Realm is the name of the show, and Chris Carter, Mr. X-Files himself is the creator.

Plot

Lieutenant Tom Hobbes of the United States Army, after saving the life of a close friend in a military conflict, decides to retire from the army life and move with his fiance to California and start a new life. That is, until two MPs come to his door and ask him to pack an overnight bag and report for a secret assignment. Hobbes finds himself plunged into a virtual reality world of extraordinary realism where a vicious dictator named Santiago holds the high score by ruling the entire virtual world. Hobbes’ sole assignment: win the game by killing Santiago and taking the high score. But it’s not long after he enters the world that Hobbes realizes there is more than meets the eye. He finds out that if he dies in Harsh Realm, he dies in the real world too. He also realizes that there is no escape without killing Santiago. And thus begins his quest to try and win through all the impossibilities that await him around every corner in a desperate hope to return to his fiance in the real world.

Visual

Pretty cool cinematography, but no real CGI as Harsh Realm is just as real looking as the real world. The visual affects really take on an X-files feel thanks to Chris Carter. But otherwise, nothing to mention other than the occasional programming glitch allowing characters to shift in and out of certain areas, leaving a cool wavy visual thing. But it was also just a TV show and not a high budget action film.

Sound

Although the sound effects were pretty high quality, the thing that really needs the most recognition is the music. Certain areas in this show really take on a whole different feeling thanks to the fantastically organized music. And even though this was just a TV show, it was quite obvious that Chris Carter spent more that one pretty penny to create the perfect feel with the music.

Acting

Pretty impressive for a TV show, and you might even recognize a few of the actors. But I really couldn’t say that the acting is fantastic, and sometimes the characters take on a very flat cold type. This is really the only drawback I see with this show.

Summary

Damn you FOX! They cancelled this show after showing only three episodes, but fortunately the DVD actually includes all nine original episodes. But, if you buy the DVD, get ready to be pissed off by the ending. Does Hobbes finally kill Santiago and escape from Harsh Realm? Don’t count on it eager reader, cause it doesn’t happen. Sorry to ruin the ending, but Fox screwed us on this show. I guess there just weren’t as many viewers as other fine programs such as Greg the Bunny. Yep. Well, I’ve ranted long enough and will leave you all with this: you really should try to see this show in its entirety. Even though the ending sucked, all nine episodes were quite impressive and not worth missing.

4 DAMN YOU FOXs out of 5.

“Huh?”

All right, Wachowski brothers, here’s your motivation: You took one of the most original movies and brutally murdered it with the sequel, it’s the final installment, fix it. Yeah, that happened. Honestly, I loved the original Matrix, and if you’ve read my review on Reloaded you know how I felt about that one. This movie, however, fell somewhere in the middle. Still, its shortcomings were more than obvious and I felt like the brothers still missed the mark. But it definitely was an improvement from Reloaded–at least a little (right up until the ending).

Plot

Continuing from Reloaded, Neo and the rebels of Zion attempt to fight back against a huge army of sentinels and other machines. Final hope lies in Neo fulfilling the prophecy and stopping the robots. But here’s the kick: the way Neo stops the robots is to waltz into the mechanical city, walk up to their leader and get plugged into the matrix to kill Agent Smith. Once smith is dead, the robots will stop the fighting, free all the “batteries and have peace. The reason for this deal? Agent Smith has taken over the Matrix. Here’s what I think: delete the matrix and start over. Agent Smith will be deleted as well right? Or even still, after Smith takes over the matrix, he duplicates himself with every person right? I believe the Architect stated in Reloaded how easily the people plugged into the matrix figured out the matrix was fake. Wouldn’t seeing like 12 thousand of the same person make every battery in the matrix wake up? Maybe that’s just me, but it seems like a huge hole in the plot.

Visual

Fantastic yet again. The Wachowski bros really hit the mark on each movie here, but since Revolutions didn’t quite have enough in the way of action, the special effects weren’t nearly as extensive as the previous two. Also, I noticed that the final Neo/Smith fight scene really seemed a bit on the fake side. It was almost like the bros were trying too hard to make it look unusual. Smith and Neo getting slammed about and thrown inconceivable distances by punches that didn’t really look that hard, and the single hardest hit in the whole movie didn’t even look all that devastating. Of course, the hand to face effect was pretty neat (though a little over-done).

Audio

What happened to the kick-ass soundtrack of Reloaded? It seemed like instead of awesome rock and techno, it was all composed. All of it. But, the surround sound was frickin’ awesome. I really missed the rock though. I mean, anyone who knows me knows I won’t scoff at good classical music, but I felt like Revolutions should have been more about hard rock than composed classical. Oh well.

Acting

Guess what? The only increase in acting performance was from the only actors I had never heard of. Everyone else, including the people who carried over from Reloaded, gave a flat and very unbelievable delivery. This just doesn’t seem right to me. Why in the hell would the people making millions for this movie give the worst performance, when the people making table scraps were the most believable? Damn. I’m in the wrong business. Anyway, although it was slightly better than reloaded, I still found the performances less than moving.

Summary

The plot was less than believable with some pretty massive holes. The ending made me leave the movie theater thinking, “what the fuck?” The good music was gone, and the acting was only a little better than Reloaded’s. It was really hard having this movie conclude the most impressive and original sci-fi/action movie in many years. I was very disappointed, but I have to admit that I really did enjoy most of this flick. It was really the very ending that pissed me off. Surely the bros must realize that you don’t want your audience to FINISH the movie angry. Maybe if you piss ‘em off early they can still leave happy, but right at the end? Come on, that’s just fricken’ stupid. You know what I wanted to see from this ending? I wanted Neo to wake up and the whole adventure having been a dream. That would have been more believable, plus the shock effect would leave the movie in the top forever. Anyway, the final word is this: it sucked, but it was still better than Reloaded.  3 out of 5.

Kinda wish I could go back in time and slap the Wachowskis before they started making this one

Wachowski brothers, what the hell happened? You went from one of the coolest and most original movies in many years to creating this drivel. What the hell? Anyway, let’s get this going right. I loved the original Matrix. And there were parts in this movie that weren’t terrible, I really felt like the Wachowski brothers kind of lost their way with this flick. I heard this movie described as a bridge from the beginning to the end, but I think the bridge is pretty crumbly and poorly built. Just so you know, I am aware that a lot of the plot from this movie is included in the video game “Enter the Matrix” and that you must play the game to get the movie better, but I saw the game played and I don’t really think it helped.

Plot

I can sum up the plot for Reloaded in just one word: confusing. “you’ve already made the choice–you’re just here to try and figure out why” Huh? What’s that even supposed to mean? Anyway, the general layout is this: Neo and the leaders of Zion discover an impending attack, and Neo takes it into his hands to try and stop the attack, and to figure out why he is who he is. Of course, there’s a lot more to it but it really feels too disjointed from the other two matrix movies to make a decent review here. There was so much talk about the “choice” in this movie, that if not for the excellent special effects, I might have made the “choice” to leave the theater. But that’s what it really boils down to, special effects over plot, that’s what made this movie work. I don’t want to just walk all over the movie though, as I think some of the things that were said really needed to be done in order to build towards a proper ending. Plus the movie is based very strongly off of various religions, and perhaps the joining of several religious ideals is what made the movie seem disjointed.

Visual

Absolutely. Stunning. This section is what actually made this movie work. Special effects and cinematography kept me in the movie. So many scenes are visually compelling and even beyond. While watching in the theater, I actually found myself ducking to the left and right and ducking and weaving and what-not. Most movies don’t have this effect on me and I really enjoyed the more active approach to the movie theater. I really can’t expound enough on how fantastic the CGI was in MOST parts of this flick. However, there are a few scenes that the CGI was obviously wrong. For instance, during a fight scene in a sea of Smith’s, Neo’s cloak robe thingy is flying about and it just looks obviously fake. Actually, now that I think of it all scenes in that cloak coat dealie just look fake as hell. But most everything else was truly stunning. I do have to ask though, what gives with the ten minute long sex scene/orgy/dance scene? Even though this scene has helped me get laid a few times, I really think it’s about 9 minutes too long.

Audio

I. Love. This. Album. Not the composed music but the rock and techno by real artists. It’s my favorite road trip CD and I never get tired of most of these songs. Plus, the music is subtle but effective in the movie, so after watching a few times you notice the music, but the first time through it just blends quite well. As for the sound effects: very well done. It is obvious that the Wachowski brothers chose very wisely on the dude who organized the sound effects. Plus, anyone who has 5.1 will get a kick out of great surround quality.

Acting

Flat. The Frenchman is quite possibly my favorite character just because he actually has depth. Everyone else seemed forced with most of the acting. Even the Oracle really seemed like she was forcing her role, it was not as believable and really didn’t help capture the delight and fantasy that the original Matrix was able to create.

Summary

Disappointment. I don’t see how you can mess up the first floor of a house when you have such a solid foundation, but the Wachowski brothers managed it. They poured sand on top of concrete and expected it to turn into walls just because it was on concrete. But, like I mentioned before, a lot of these things needed to be said and done, they just needed to organize it a little better and relay the meaning a lot better. Fortunately, the special effects are great and the audio is just as good. And although this movie left me wishing instead of waiting like it should have, I did enjoy it overall, but would not recommend it unless you want to get confused and leave a little ticked off at the “cliffhanger” that made no sense.

3 incomplete sentences* out of 5

*Editor’s note: I give up.

Who actually needs a review to convince them to see “The Matrix?”

I freakin’ love this damn movie. It’s creative, original, and well created. The Wachowski brothers hit the mark in every possible way here, from the fantastic and beautifully crafted special effects to the incredibly original plot and story line. This Sci-fi/Action flick in my opinions redefines the lines of both genres. There’s really not enough I can say about the amazing originality of this movie, I just love the idea of waking up in another reality. There’s something about that idea that seems excessively appealing to me, and this movie encourages that idea so perfectly that I need new pants (Cause I just showed my O face to the computer screen. Get it?) But anyway, here’s some serious props to the Wachowski brothers for a fantastic flick.

Plot

Average everyday guy Thomas Anderson (hacker alias Neo) spends every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment (well, every time sleeping technically if you’ve seen the movie, cause he’s a battery and always sleeping in the…well, you get it) Searching for answers to life’s little mysteries. That, and some guy named Morpheus. Morpheus ends up finding Neo and offers him a red pill to see “how deep the rabbit hole goes.” Neo soon finds himself hurled into a different world running from the “Feds” and realizing the answer to the question: “what is the Matrix?” The answer? A virtual reality world created to keep billions of people asleep and unaware of the bitter world that is “the desert of the real.” But why are these people imprisoned? To turn them into batteries for the machines to live off of. Neo is then told that he is the one that will free all people from the Matrix.

Visual

Absolutely awesome. As many times as I have watched this movie, I could not find a single visual flaw in it. Everything is perfect to what it should be. The Matrix is beautifully crafted after our current cities (New York, I think) and really is believable. As for the real world, it’s a filthy, desolate place where the only happy retreat is plugging into the matrix itself. It’s so perfectly grimy and terrible, that it really makes you feel almost dirtier just for watching the movie. Some key visuals, as you all have seen, are the bullet dodging scenes. The slower they are the better. I just love when Neo is first realizing his abilities while fighting Morpheus and the slow-motion looking blurry hand movements as Neo takes the upper hand in the fight. Then when on the roof top and Neo dodges around the bullets “screaming” by in super slow-mo, it’s just freakin’ awesome.

Audio

Badass rock, even better techno. The Wachowski brothers really don’t leave you imagining what could have been here. They make sure that the music fits perfectly and flawlessly in the whole movie. There wasn’t a single moment where I thought, “wait, that song doesn’t fit here.” I thought all of it was perfect. Plus major appearances from Rage Against The Machine and some techno by bands I’ve never heard of but that were freakin’ great. In addition to the awesome music were some very kick-ass sound effects. Every touch of sound was very impressive. All of the shattering glass, the gunshots, the punching sounds, it’s all blended perfectly into a wonderfully believable flick.

Acting

Well, kind of what you’d expect really. Nothing that really blows my skirt up, but it didn’t really suck either. It really seemed like the Wachowski bros really wanted the performances to be just a touch on the flat side. If that is the case, then everything was perfect. But, otherwise the acting was just a touch on the flat side. Either way. Very impressive performance from Keanu Reaves, and I laugh every damn time I hear the line “I know kung fu” (thanks in part to Celebrity Jeopardy Skits from SNL (For the last time, no you don’t)). Did I just use a double parenthesis? Right, moving on. On the plus side, this movie was actually made when Carrie Anne Moss was still hot (look closely at her face next time you watch Reloaded and Revolutions, its like looking at a leather seat from the 50’s…gross).

Summary

Good God damn I love this movie. I’ve seen this movie so many times I practically have the whole thing memorized, but I still never really get tired of it. I just flat love the part where Neo goes to try and save Morpheus. The whole movie following that point just makes me need new pants. (Get it? I alluded to the O face thing I said earlier. Get it? Huh?) Right, moving on. If you actually haven’t seen this movie, you should just eat a bullet now. Either that or see the damn movie. The latter would be more PC but if you’re actually reading this review for encouragement to go out and spend a whopping dollar to rent this flick for the first time, then you probably should be shot. Or you have been in a coma for 30 years and just woke up four days ago. In that case, go rent it, you’ll like it, trust me. 5 “I know kung fu’s” out of 5