Well grateful readers, I have reached a time I thought I never would. I have discovered a movie with Quentin Tarantino’s name plastered onto it that truly blew ass. Sorry Quentin, maybe you should have left your name off of this piece of junk. But anyway, here’s the movie: gory and full of disturbing images that made me sick to my stomach. And I have a strong stomach. But that’s just the second half of the movie. In the first half, there are more random boobies than a softcore porn. And far more drug usage. I guess you could say that if you only watch the first half of the movie, you could imagine you’re watching a shitty plotless* softcore porn–if you’re stoned. Which you should be if you actually intend to watch this movie. Sorry, moving on.

*Editor’s note: some of them have plot?

Plot

Three guys backpacking across Europe looking for drugs and sex with random hot chicks (because that’s so original. Where have I seen that before?). Then after a stop in Slovakia, they are sold to some underground society because they are American, and apparently some random person will pay twenty five grand to torture and kill an American. Yep. That’s the whole movie. Minus the tits of course. Wow. Really a stunner Quentin. Even if you look past all the disturbing stuff in this movie, it’s still crappy. Every gun has like two bullets in them, and some German speaking American college student can apparently shoot a guy directly between the eyes while tied to a chair and missing two fingers from one hand. Yep. Not only that, but while trying to flee back to America, the one living main character manages to kill everyone who wronged him. What. The. Hell. No one on the planet can get that lucky. The American dude kills four people, the dude who set him up, the chick that sold him to the factory place, the chick that sold his friend, and the dude that killed his friend. And that’s just after he’s killed like eight people in the factory. Oh right, bad guys can’t kill the hero. Right. Even in cheesy action flicks it’s somewhat believable that James Bond isn’t gonna die, he’s Bond. But this isn’t Bond. This is just some guy running from dudes with guns. But it’s okay, because they only had like two bullets in those guns. Yep.

Visuals

Okay, imagine this. Ever thought what it would look like to watch an Asian chick’s eye get boiled out with a torch? No? How bout watching some creepy pedophile cut the Achilles tendon of a fairly nice guy, then watch that nice guy try to walk out of the room? No? How bout…you know what, you get the point. Add a few more disturbing images like a one eyed Asian lady diving under a train and a German speaking American trying to keep track of his two missing fingers while killing his way out of a mostly deserted factory and hey, we’ve got a movie! For a Tarantino produced flick, the cinematography was really pathetic. Nothing out of the ordinary (except the other side of the camera where that guy just got his penis cut off…). To be honest, the half-movie of sex scenes and unnecessary nudity wasn’t even good enough to justify watching the whole movie. The sex scenes weren’t even that good. Really. If you want unsolicited nudity and bad sex scenes, just watch that Paris Hilton sex tape thing. ZING! (Sorry for the year old joke…I’m in school when new things are happening. Or I’m sleeping. But either way, I don’t have anything new, sorry).

Audio

Did this movie have a soundtrack? (I was too busy wanting to gouge out my eyes, but knowing what that looks like now, I just couldn’t follow through.) I vaguely remember hearing some music, but it was all in German. But wait, isn’t this movie made in Slovakia? Why does everyone speak German? Sorry, back to the ripping…er, I mean review. Right. More audio includes some American begging for his life in German (because everyone in Europe speaks German right?), and another American begging for his life in English while crying, and an Asian chick begging for her life in Japanese or Chinese or something (what? not in German?). And there you have it.

Acting

Apparently, Tarantino spent so much money on fake blood and eye goo that he couldn’t afford to hire an actor that anyone actually notices or cares about (except maybe those actors’ parents, but they probably vomited after seeing this movie like everyone else who watched this crap). The only person I recognized is near the very end, had a shitty part, and oh… guess what? I don’t even know his name. According to www.imdb.com it’s “Rick Hoffman” but I don’t really know if I’m even looking at the right person. *shrugs shoulders*

Conclusion

Don’t see this movie. Trust me. It’s not even worth the time to steal this piece of crap. And you know what? If I was like eighty and watched this movie, I would send Quentin Tarantino a very nasty letter. But I’m only twenty-something, so if I ever see him, I’ll like, pee on his car or something. Yep, I’ll show him. But, I live in Wyoming. And don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford to go to Hollywood. Hey, I’m just a mechanic, what do you want? Anyway, I kinda got off track there…sorry. So there you have it, the movie sucked and if you even try to rent it I’ll laugh when I see you vomiting in the gutter after watching that eye part. Yeah, it’s really that bad. After watching this movie, I thought to myself “there are some sides to human nature that are best un-shown. “Then I thought, “Wow, that eye thing makes me want to barf,” but that’s kinda saying the same thing. So anyway, since I’ve rambled on for long enough, I shall end with one final note: this movie SUCKED. There. If you only read that last line, you’ll know.

0** out of 5

**Editor’s note: after assuring King that a 1 sucks and is as low as the scale goes, he still insists it receive a 0. To avoid division by zero errors anytime in the future though, I will officially give it a 1.