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I finally get around to writing the third review of a major Luc Besson flick.

French punk chick turned assassin? Yes, please! I love Luc Besson; he is one of the best movie makers out there. His films might not be the most provocative or the most suspenseful and intriguing, but his storytelling style is unique in just the right kind of way–nothing Spielberg about it!

This isn’t some crappy series on USA

So this cold hard bitch kills a cop when her gang tries to rob a store, and rather than receiving the expected sentence, she is handed over to a secret organization in the government to be trained as an assassin. Resistant to everything at first, she slowly realizes her life up till now has been a complete waste, and she matures into a beautiful and sophisticated lady. But her true purpose since given the second chance at life has been hidden from her. As the story unfolds, Nikita falls in love and tries to live a normal life but can’t escape her duties as an assassin and her loyalty to Bob, the man who saved her.

This isn’t even a movie seen in the USA

Oh, and did I mention this is a French movie? You’ll have to read subtitles if you don’t understand French, or if you can’t read, the voice-over is done well enough that it doesn’t interfere with the experience. So on that note, the acting is good either way. French actors, especially the veteran Tchéky Karyo, just have a certain flair that is rarely seen in American actors. Whether you listen to his voice and read the subtitles or wimp out and listen to the voice actor in English, the performance is powerful and gripping. Having said that, there are also parts I just don’t fully understand; I guess knowing French is vital for them. Like when Nikita gives a present to the computer expert and starts singing (screaming), I have no clue what is going on. But overall, each of the main actors (Anne Parillaud, Jean-Hugues Anglade, Tchéky Karyo, and Jean Reno) does a wonderful job. Wow, I almost forgot to mention Jean Reno and his part. His character’s name is Victor, but I’ll be damned if he wasn’t the inspiration for Leon in the Professional.

La Femme Nikita demonstrates to its greatest Luc Besson’s storytelling ability. Characters are developed so well and dialog is so well planned that you can’t help but be wrapped up in it. Then there are moments of humor, action, and sensitivity that are perfectly balanced and timed, creating a movie anyone can enjoy. The soundtrack by Eric Serra further enhances the movie by always being where it needs to be. Not for an instant is the music offbeat, and every bit of it serves a purpose.

But this is on DVD in the USA

I question those who watch Luc Besson movies and don’t love them immediately. What’s so great about them is they reinforce your love of his other movies. La Femme Nikita is an essential in my opinion, and Leon the Professional and the Fifth Element I enjoy just as much, if not more. But if you are stubborn and just can’t stand subtitles or dubbing, there was an American remake of La Femme Nikita called Point of No Return. I don’t make any promises about that one, but I can promise Nikita is a 4 out of 5.

Ultimate conclusion of revenge thrilling, and such things.

Alright, kiddies, here’s the thrilling conclusion to the ultimate story of revenge. Or rather, the review of the thrilling conclusion to the ultimate story of revenge. And Quentin, you’re a genius. On these movies anyway. For those who didn’t bother reading my review of volume one (you should be ashamed!), this movie (and review) is really just a continuation of that. It still stars all the same people, is still written and directed by that genius Quentin Tarantino and also co-written and starring Uma Thurman. This movie, however, was never meant to have two portions. So the very beginning of volume two is a little jerky to get started, and if you haven’t seen the first volume, I guarantee you’ll be more than a little confused, because Tarantino doesn’t spend any time explaining the previous movie except in a small excerpt where the Bride talks about the “roaring rampage of revenge” that was the previous movie. But, I think that Tarantino was under the assumption that the only people willing to watch volume two would had to have watched and enjoyed volume one.

Plot

The same as volume one, only this time, the Bride (AKA Beatrix Kiddo, you get to know the name this time!) is finishing her quest of revenge. You also get some insight into what happened that inspired the revenge. The beginning of the movie actually shows the entire scene of the wedding rehearsal in which Bill and the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad brutally murdered everyone in the chapel (every one, but one of course). Also in the plot of volume two, you get to meet the Bride’s daughter who was assumed dead until the last words of volume one, leaving one hell of a cliffhanger. The only unfortunate thing about the plot in this movie is the final showdown between Bill and Beatrix. That showdown seemed a little short. They didn’t even get a chance to cross Hanzo swords, it was just a five second mini battle where Beatrix did the “five point palm exploding heart technique” that she learned from the reclusive Pai Mei. So over all, the final fight scene was both awesome and disappointing. But oh well, the rest of the movie leading up to that was great.

Visual

The visuals in volume two are quite similar to those in volume one. There are still black and white scenes, although the quantity of these moments is severely reduced in volume two. Other key imagery includes the plucking of Elle Driver’s (Darrel Hannah) one good eye, and the black mamba left in the case full of money (Budd’s demise, in case you were wondering). But this volume really was a touch disappointing in the way of key imagery, as there just seemed to be a shortage. It seemed much more like a run of the mill movie instead of a Quentin Tarantino that it really is. But like I mentioned before, this movie was never intended to have two volumes, it was just too long for one movie. It’s perhaps unfortunate that both movies could not be balanced because of the necessary split.

Audio

The soundtrack here is even better than the first volume, which is saying a whole lot because the music in volume one is so excellent that I need new pants just thinking about it. But I digress. The sound effects are also excellent, in the scene were Beatrix is buried alive, the sound of her punching the top of the makeshift “coffin” is so realistic that you can really believe you’re buried alive with her. Sorry, don’t mean to give away some of the movie, but it’s so cool that I just had to mention it.

Acting

Same as before. Although the actors in this one are generally more talented than those in volume one, it’s all still on the same level as the prior. Bill, played by David Carradine, is by far the best acted character, and most certainly the most creative and genuine. Uma still did an excellent job, and just as in volume one she really kicked some serious ass and handled a samurai sword like no blonde woman ever has before (unless it’s my “samurai sword” get it? My wife is blonde! Ha!).

Summary

So, in all reality, this volume just isn’t quite as good as before, but that’s most likely just a victim of splitting the movie in two. This volume is much less gory and bloody than the first volume, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Although that makes the movie more suitable for younger viewers, it also kind of condemns the movie, as the excessive blood and gore in the first volume really added a sense of comedy to the film (strange though that may seem). Does this movie conclude in a satisfying way? You better believe it. But I do believe that some more steps could have been taken to make the second half more balanced to the first, to help with a little bit of continuity.

4 points out of the “five point palm exploding heart technique”

Pirates!

Here it is, perhaps the newest movie to be reviewed so far. It just barely came out the three days before I am writing this, so I managed to see it on opening weekend (thanks LilPickle). But as with many sequels that appear from Hollywood, this movie is shrouded in disappointment. It still sports swashbuckling-a-plenty, and enormous amounts of fun and entertainment, but it really just seemed to lack. A lot of the attitude and so called “heart” of the first movie simply didn’t carry over to the sequel. Don’t get me wrong though, this movie was not bad. And certainly worth seeing and as soon as it comes to video I will be buying it. But it’s just simply not as good as the prior blockbuster smash. Directed by Gore Verbinski and still starring Johnny Depp and Keira Knightly and Orlando bloom (as well as many other names from the first that I was pleasantly surprised to see) this movie will certainly keep you entertained, even if you can barely understand what some of the characters are saying, and the quantity of action seems almost too excessive.

Plot

Captain Jack Sparrow sets out to discover a way to save his soul from the dreaded Davy Jones, to whom he owes a debt. Normally to do this he would use his compass that shows him what he wants the most, but it seems to not be working in this movie. So in order to save his soul, he uses William Turner (Orlando Bloom) as collateral with Davy Jones, and uses Elizabeth Swan to show him the way to a chest containing Davy Jones heart. Of course, nothing ever seems to work out for Captain Jack, and what seems a simple task quickly balloons into a full scale adventure, with no shortage of action. However, the plot is completely unresolved in this movie. Somehow in this movie’s 2 hours and 30 minutes of length, the filmmakers managed to only create questions in the plot, and leave you hanging horribly in the end of the movie with more question than when you entered the theater. And that really pisses me off. I like a good cliffhanger as much as the next person, but in my opinion, a cliffhanger should at least answer a few of your questions, and not leave you with more than when you came in.

Visual

Here the sequel is significantly better than the first movie. In the first, there were many places that the CGI was just less than the up-to-snuff standards common with current day filmmaking technology. But Dead Man’s Chest certainly does not leave you questioning the quality of CGI, even the giant squid scenes are so believable it almost looks like they used live action animals instead of CG. Davy Jones himself was a great deal of CG, as was his crew. And it was so well performed that you really barely notice what CG you can actually see. More key visuals along the same lines of the first movie are still present here, including a trip to the island of Tortuga, which is basically one big brawl all day and all night. Plus, the backgrounds in the islands and main lands are excellent, and you can’t believe even for a minute that you are sitting in the movie theater and not really there with the characters.

Audio

Here’s another point that this movie excels. Another excellent revision to an already fantastic theme song is key here. All through the movie they play a song nearly identical to the first movie, and just as the music in the first set the mood, so does the song here. In every scene it is employed, the main theme either increases the idea of the pirate’s life, or brings you down to the depths with Davy Jones himself. The sound effects are also excellent, but then again I did see it in the theater, so perhaps in the DVD format the sound effects won’t be quite as good, but I somehow doubt that when comparing with the sound effects present in the first DVD.

Acting

Johnny Depp is once again in very rare form, and is most excellent in this role just as in the first. I honestly don’t think that anyone else could be Captain Jack Sparrow with anywhere near the effectiveness of Depp. Keira Knightly is hot as hell just as before, although I was a little disappointed in her role here. Instead of the pure honest governor’s daughter she played in the first movie, here she plays a slightly trampy pirate-wanabe who just doesn’t have the same heart and soul as I was expecting based on the role in “Curse of the Black Pearl.” Also, it seemed like just about everyone was mumbling in this movie, some of the characters could barely be heard through their fancy “Old-English” speak. And the voodoo witch doctor Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris) has an accent so thick that you have to strain to try and understand her.

Summary

Lay off the action a little bit and spread on some more plot and character development and answer a few more questions before the cliffhanger, and this movie increases in quality three-fold. But as it is, there is just too much action and too little everything else. But again don’t get me wrong, I think the action (when it was properly planned) was beautifully executed and well performed. It just seemed like the swashbuckling was nonstop through the whole flick, leaving little time to sit back and breathe in the two and a half hour behemoth. So based on this, I simply cannot give this movie as good of a score as the prior movie received, so all in all I give Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest a visually stunning 3 Aaaaaarrrgh matey’s out of 5

Striking similarities between Scientology and Wipeout Pure: mere coincidences? or conspiracy?

I remember being a little squirt playing the Wipeout demo on the Playstation over and over again, bearing through all the unnecessary loading that comes with demo discs–it was that impressive. Mind-blowing speed, the dramatic battling for first, and unique tracks all helped make Wipeout one of the icons of modern gaming. But Wipeout went the way such as Tom Cruise is now going, and it makes you ashamed to admit you were a fan. I don’t know if it was because of the overload, it stopped being fun, or Xenu and the clams. Take your pick of whose downfall I’m referring to. After a noticeable absence though, Wipeout has returned in it’s purest form to bring racing bliss to the PSP. I’m not entirely sure why this game is so brilliant compared to it’s predecessors; it’s still the same old Wipeout. It’s still break-neck speeds and fierce combat on extreme courses. The only difference is it’s now handheld.

“Pure” or “Clear,” eh… close enough Tom

I think the reason for this version’s success lies in it’s relentless attention to the concept of purity. The intro video, menus, controls, music, and… oh the racing all make you feel like a real competitor in the futuristic FX300 racing league. Every developer out there should take note on how important atmosphere is to a games success: the previous games did nothing different concerning gameplay, but they weren’t even close to making such an impact as Pure has. But I never claimed the music was good. Think what you will of me, but I’m pretty sure music of the future will mature beyond electronica’s current belief that it can be rhythmless without being painful to listen to. Yuck. Rhythm is not just a fad guys, it’s here to stay.

Levels and Free Zones

I’m talking about the levels of difficulty and the race mode “Zone”, not Scientology–I swear. This game is truly unique for me because it’s one of only a few that I just cannot beat. The first three race classes I can handle relatively well, but the 4th and 5th difficulty settings are impossibly hard! I guess this is a nice change, but disappointing that I will never finish it. And the ever-increasing-speed Zone mode and some of the time trial races are just too difficult and frustrating. I’m not totally disappointed though because the only reward you get is a concept drawing for each track and mode in which you finish first.

Scientology versus the Internet

One very important aspect of Pure (but is no longer as important) is its connectivity. With a wi-fi connection, you can download new tracks and ships for free! I love new content, but the best part of it was you could hack the settings to allow use of the simplistic browser for the World Wide Web! Before this became a standard feature of the PSP’s operating system, this game was the only way to do that. Plus, multiplayer capabilities are given through ad hoc mode, but sadly not also through infrastructure mode. I probably would play this game a lot more if there were dedicated servers so I could play anyone at any time.

It’s great to see Wipeout in the spotlight again, and any PSP library would be incomplete without it. I only wish they would’ve done more. Customizable ships maybe? or a custom soundtrack would be awesome! I’ll always have a soft spot for this series, but I hope the developers realize the next installment needs to be groundbreaking lest they’ll be jumping back into their old pit of despair–and Mr. Cruise isn’t a very good roommate. I give Wipeout Pure 3 hair-brained stars out of 5.

Getting ready for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, we thought reviewing the first Pirates would be timely.

Who’s in the mood for an adventurous tale with swashbuckling galore? Because with this movie you’ll capture exactly that. Adventure in the time of pirates and when the British were still a powerful nation. As this movie is already several years old and the sequel is damn near in theaters already, I’m sure there’s not a single person to read this that hasn’t already seen this immensely popular Disney movie. But just in case, I shall proceed as normal (meaning I’m lazy and don’t want to change my template). Directed by Gore Verbinski and starring such huge names as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightly, this movie is quite appropriate for almost all ages and even entertains time and time again. Although it does have its flaws (such as occasional bad CGI and minor plot holes) it doesn’t fail to keep your attention for any length of time.

Plot

A very young Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) discovers a boy floating out in the Atlantic after a “shipwreck” and discovers a strange golden medallion around his neck, which she takes in order to prevent the boy from being killed as a pirate. Some many years later (while wearing a corset *boioioiioing*), she falls into the ocean and inadvertently signals a band of cursed pirates aboard a mystical ship who are searching for the same medallion. After being captured by the pirates and giving the fake last name of the man she secretly loves, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), she is taken to an island where the pirates attempt a ritual to lift a terrible curse. In the meanwhile, Turner enlists the assistance of pirate Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to attempt to save Elizabeth from a gruesome fate. It’s from here that the whole tale stems, leading from one exciting sword fight to another right until an epic battle between the undead pirates and the British navy.

Visual

Excellent cinematography is key to this movie, and although most of the camera angles are very mainstream, every camera angle is beautifully planned and very well executed. The only issue with the visuals is the occasionally poor CGI. The pirates of the Black Pearl (that’s the ship) are undead, and under the moonlight they are revealed for what they are, corpses. The corpses are excellently animated, and each one is completely different than the others. So it’s fairly obvious that a significant amount of funding was spend in the creation of these skeletons, but it looks like they skimped on other places of CGI because of this.

Audio

The music here is fantastic. It’s unique and fitting and actually helps bring the swashbuckling mood of the movie into reality. Although the music is nothing I would own, it is extremely enjoyable in the movie and really helps to set the proper mood. As for sound effects, they are quite excellent, but you will most likely need to have surround sound to truly get all the worth out of the effects.

Acting

This is where the movie really shines. Johnny Depp so perfectly portrays the slightly mad Captain Jack Sparrow that you can really believe it’s not even an actor but actually the character being portrayed. Orlando Bloom also does a very notable job in personifying the secret love interest, and is really quite the sword fighter here. Keira Knightly even does a very believable job (plus she has really nice tits).

Summary

Despite the slight flaws in the plot and less than great CGI in a few places, this movie does efficiently capture your attention and keep you entertained throughout the whole movie. I really enjoyed seeing a high quality pirate tale actually coming out of Hollywood, as most of the drivel they produce is unfit for the screen. So if you’re in the mood for swashbucklin-a-plenty, sit back and enjoy this movie’s well earned 4 out of 5.

If you don’t understand the humor behind it all, take that stick out of your ass and try again.

Quentin Tarantino, you genius, you’ve outdone yourself again. Just like Reservoir Dogs outdid Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction outdid Reservoir Dogs, this fantastic tale outdid even Pulp Fiction. And that’s saying an awful lot. Because Pulp Fiction is the shit. Yeah. Anyway, back to the review. From the very first scene of this movie right until the gripping cliffhanger at the very end, you will be captivated through the entire flick. Starring and written by Uma Thurman, written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, and also starring Lucy Lui and Vivica A. Fox, this fascinating tale of revenge and remarkable constitution will drop kick you in the nuts and keep you wondering, all the while knowing. I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense if you haven’t seen the movie, but if you have then you know precisely what I’m talking about.

Plot

In a desperate quest for revenge, the Bride (sorry, you have to wait till volume two to learn her real name.) as played by Uma Thurman, tears shreds into her old accomplices (and their bodyguards) until the very end of the movie. Of course, since this is only volume 1, she doesn’t get to complete her quest in this movie, but the journey itself is what is most spectacular. Broken down into several thoroughly rearranged chapters, the Bride procures a samurai sword, and kills the shit out of Lucy Lui’s character, has a somewhat epic fight and destroys Vivica A. Fox’s character–all the while fulfilling the sadistic death list of all those who wronged her. This film is Quentin’s homage to Bruce Lee era films, so the plot is laid out similarly to those, while still retaining a creative effect that only Quentin can produce.

Visual

Get ready for slightly comical blood and gore, because this movie has no shortage of either. In fact, there is a scene where the Bride is literally bathing in the watery blood of dozens of deceased (and maimed) samurai sword-wielding crazy-ass Japanese. In the story of Lucy Lui’s character O-Ren Ishii, the movie lapses into a fantastic Japanese animation sequence that was really stunning, and fit perfectly into the feel of the movie. During the massacre of the Crazy 88, the film drops into black and white, allowing for a fascinating cinematography affect the likes of which I have not seen in many years. Anytime the Bride sees someone who wronged her on her “wedding day,” shes shown in red to emphasize her fierce anger and hatred, and you know that person is going to die.

Audio

Only Tarantino can use such seemingly obscure music, and blend it all so perfectly into a movie. The song Twisted Nerve will haunt your dreams. Anyway, I strongly recommend procuring this movie’s soundtrack, whether legally or not is no concern of mine, but it’s really worth buying. Every song is completely different than every other, and yet it blends so well that you can’t even tell the songs aren’t even similar until you’re listening to the soundtrack separate from the movie. The sound effects are also fantastic, and you don’t need 5.1 to appreciate them, but it does make a really big difference.

Acting

Does this movie have any flawed acting? Absolutely not. The Bride is so perfectly convincing that you can almost believe it really happened. Bill is played better than anyone else, even though you never get to see his face, not even a little (at least not until volume two). Even Lucy Lui did a mentionable job here. Where often her roles can be very flat or staccato; she did an excellent job, and even wielded a sword very impressively. Uma really kicked some ass with her samurai sword, too.

Summary

This is one of the best and most unique movies to come out in years, and will probably remain so for quite some time. Get ready to be impressed, because this movie is truly fantastic. Quentin really is a genius for creating this, and special props to Uma for writing, because she and Quentin wrote this right after finishing Pulp Fiction. So here’s the final word: if you haven’t already seen this, you better or I will personally come to your house and beat you with a hose until you do. That’s right. Bitch.  5 out of 5 stars.

The most kick-ass physicist since Stephen Hawking returns to take it to the man; G-man that is.

Welcome, gracious readers to my first review of a video game. And we shall start with perhaps the grandest PC game to be released in quite some time: Half Life 2. After long bated breath and wishing I wasn’t poor, I eventually acquired this game (Thanks Aaron) some 6 months after it had been released. As I finally get around to the review, it’s more than a year after it’s release. But, nonetheless, if you don’t already own this game and you claim to be a “gamer” then you should go out and buy it right now. In case you couldn’t tell (what are you retarded?) this is the sequel to arguably the greatest PC game of all time: Half-Life. And this sequel does not disappoint.

Valve built an all new engine to power this game, and the graphics really show it. Every skin in the game is as close to real as I could imagine a game being, if not better. Throughout the game, I was stunned repeatedly by the extreme attention to detail that was given to the graphics. And although I am sure there are flaws in the game, my first play-through did not reveal any to me. The second time through, however, I noticed a few small glitches (mostly caused by me not doing what I’m supposed to of course) and even those glitches were more than small enough for me to simply ignore. From panoramic views to vetilation shafts, the graphics really are revolutionary. Even if your machine is not completely able to handle the graphics, the boys at Valve ingeniously kept what you needed to see in the screen, and clipped out unnecessary items. So if your computer sucks (like mine) you’ll still be able to murder and maim without hinderance.

This game really handles excellently as well, it’s very easy to get lost in the game and not even remember that you’re just playing a game. It really handles like all games should. The movements are crisp and very precise, helping seat you into Gordan Freeman’s shoes. The weapons are fairly believable, and your enemies fall with a proper amount of force. Plus the ragdoll characteristics that the corpses take makes it extra fun to nab a headshot. As a bonus over Half-Life, you can actually operate vehicles that aren’t mounted on a rail. Granted you only really get to drive a few vehicles, but it’s very nice to be able to move about as you like and not to be stuck on a track able only to accelerate and slow your craft. So in that regard, this game really is an improvement over the original. Plus, the dune buggy sounds like a small block Chevy, and that makes me super horny. But I digress.

The only real problem that I have with this game is the mood. Yeah, the G-man is present and quite prominant, and you even get to spend some time with characters from Black Mesa that were in the original Half-Life. But the sequel just doesn’t feel like Half-Life did. The plot really didn’t seem like you were fighting for freedom from aliens and grunts while trapped in the labs. It really felt more like you are on a one man vigilante attack against all things evil in the world. It almost seemed more fitting of a James Bond game than Half-Life. And you spend the whole game fighting men, and get to kill hardly any aliens, which is quite the disapointment. I really wanted this game to be like an extension of the original, with better graphics and drastically improved gameplay. Although I was not disappointed in regards to graphics and gameplay, I just really hated that it didn’t feel like Half-Life. In the original, there were countless puzzles and riddles you had to solve in order to progress, but in Half-Life 2, the puzzles are far too easy and I just never really got stumped. This was fairly saddening to me, because I’m not that smart of a guy and I really enjoyed getting stumped by the original.

The enemies in this game, however disappointing that they’re not aliens, are excellently built and quite intellegent. In the original, it was fairly easy to outsmart the AI, but not so here. I actually feel hunted in some places, which is almost refreshing (while creepy). Even the spawn points for the enemies feels realistic in most places, which really is an improvment over the original, where if you watch closely you can see exactly where to stand in order to spawn in the head-crabs and what not. Enemies get harder the farther you progress, which is becoming typical for first person shooters, but it fit what I was looking for. As an added bonus, when nearing the end of the game, you get to command some of the rebel troops, and they follow you like idiots and take all the bullets so you don’t have to. But the friendly AI seems like a last minute addition to the game and might need just a little more development to run perfectly. Plus, you don’t get troops for very long, so there’s really not much to mention about it.

All in all, this game is beyond excellent. The graphics rock, the enemies are believable, the gameplay is great and even the music is bad ass (even if there seems to be a shortage of it…) and I can’t stay mad at this game for not feeling like the Half-Life, but due to this I simply can’t give it 5 stars. Maybe if they had slapped a different name on it instead of Half Life 2, like Half-Life: Apocalypse or Half-Life: Aftermath or Half-Life with a Vengance or something I could have got on board with the feel the way they had it. But slapping it with that magic number 2 and then making if feel completely different? Sorry, but I just didn’t like that. Otherwise, the game is great. Anyone who thinks themselves to be a gamer needs to have this in the arsenal, and since it’s part of Steam it’s exceptionally easy to purchase, install, and play without going out into the evil sunlight.

4 Annoying head-crabs out of 5

The smallest big city ever, all in your hands

You had to see this one coming. There is hardly a game I’d want to be made portable more than a Grand Theft Auto game. And thankfully, Rockstar thought the same. How could anyone resist having their own pocket sized hooker-murder simulator?

Portable GTA! Brilliant!

This game fits the PSP so well and surprisingly runs great. Take GTA3, humorously add motorcycles to the mix, kill off the only Dodo, and add multiplayer mini-games and you’ve got a recipe for a classic. Mmmm, just like momma used to make (well, except the drive-bys and hookers). Speaking of drive-bys, the Xbox should be ashamed of itself for its history of terrible controls in GTAs because the PSP pulls it off perfectly even with fewer buttons. And the PSP looks just as amazing as the Xbox; I don’t know how those crazy Japanese fit so much power into such a small package. Liberty City Stories’s story is new and quite lengthy, so it should provide hours and hours of missions and side tasks. Not much else to say here. If you’ve played any GTA game, you’ll find the same things here–good and bad.

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“The Mainframe” Now in Theaters, Rated R for Retarded

The radio that we all know and love is back to offend, so parents and responsible adults be warned. They haven’t pulled any punches in the past and aren’t about to start any time soon. From Manifest Destiny to the Evils of the Internet to stereotypical Indian cab drivers to transsexual German DJs, everyone is sure to find something that interests them. There is even an inside hot coffee joke. But where is all the good music? Did Rockstar run out of good songs from the 90s they were allowed to play? They certainly found enough crappy house/techno music, but all the radio stations seem to be playing leftovers. Most stations’ cycles are too short, and others are about 25 minutes too long. Then, you get excited when you learn you can do custom tracks (as it’s been lacking on Sony platforms), but then you learn the details of it. You need their special utility that only rips from legitimate store bought CDs to put them on your PSP. Fucking DRM. Stop acting like Microsoft Rockstar!

Go sit in the corner Rockstar

On the surface, it is another great GTA game, and it’s portable! But I can’t help but be disappointed since I’ve played San Andreas. So many features such as developing character skills, minigames, airplanes, helicopters, and the miraculous swimming ability have been removed (or more accurately, not considered to be put in). This was a bad step backwards Rockstar. Don’t give us Kool-aid just to take it away soon after. Whether it’s due to technical restrictions or laziness, it doesn’t feel like your best effort.

So really, what else could you ask for from the PSP? Actually, Ace Combat and Knights of the Old Republic, but GTA is good too. I get the feeling I’ll be waiting for KOTOR for a while. Liberty City Stories fills a void in the handheld market almost perfectly. And if I didn’t know so many schmucks that don’t own PSPs, I might’ve been able to test the multiplayer part for you. Perhaps I would even be able to forgive the step backwards then. As it is though, Liberty City Stories is one of the best games for the PSP as long as you fit the “Mature” category.

4 Rock-stars out of 5

A landmark in filmmaking, too bad it’s not as good as we remember.

Okay courageous readers, here’s something new for you. The first review of a movie based very stongly on a book. Due to the complexity of the original Michael Crichton book, I kind of have to look at this review in a different manner. This was both a good movie, and a crappy movie. By that I mean in comparison to the book. If you look at the book and compare directly to the movie, the movie sucked. However, if you look solely at the movie, it was a pretty damn good movie. Since most of my readers are likely more interested in the movie alone, I will focus purely on the latter. Just the movie. Directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Sam Neil, Jeff Goldblum, and Samuel L. Jackson (how many movies is he in anyway?), this movie is truly a landmark in filmaking as it was one of the first movies to have animals created in CGI.

Plot

Entreprenuer John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) discovers a way to clone dinosours by using the DNA extracted from the petrified remains of mostiquitos trapped in amber. After cloning many species and stuffing them on an island as a type of amusement park, he enlists the help of palentologist Alan Grant (Sam Neil), Paleobotonist Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), and mathmatician Ian Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) to help convince the investers that his park is safe. However, Hammond does not realize that park worker Dennis Nedry (Wayne Night) has other plans for the precious park, and attempts to steal embryos of the animals to sell to a competing company. After Nedry turns off security in the park, all hell breaks loose trapping Grant in the park with two children when the dinosaurs are loose and hungry for the hunt. Based on the Michael Crichton book of the same name, the plot follows fairly closely to the book, and only misses on a few small points.

Visual

The CGI is really very impressive considering that this movie was made in 1993, right at the beginning of CGI in movies. In fact, there are only a few points where you are able to distinguish the computer animated marvels from the animatronic; and those points are easy to overlook if you let the movie draw you in. Nothing really special in the way of cinematography, but it’s a Spielberg so each shot is well planned and captures exactly what it’s meant to. Just nothing creative and new from the camera angles.

Audio

Great theme song and decent music are key in this movie, as are the sound effects. However, in the way of sound effects, it is WAY too easy to pick out the individual animal sounds from the dino roars. I catch myself thinking “who let an elephant in here?” or “add some tiger to some dolphin and we’ve got a cool growling sound, that works.” That is my main complaint with this movie. If the dino roars were believable and not just a mash-up of current-day animal sounds, I think the movie would be a lot better off.

Acting

Meh. I’ve seen better. But I’ve seen a lot worse too. The acting either seems too flat or too forced. The actors don’t really seem to work to create the believability that a movie involving dinosaurs needs to be effective. But, they don’t really suck either. There are certain points where the acting is mostly believable, but those points almost always involve the minor details instead of the major. But, maybe I’m just being overly critical.

Summary

I really enjoy this movie each time I watch it. Back in the days before I had ADD I used to be a huge fan of Crichton, so naturaly I enjoy the movies based off of his books (except Timeline, god did that movie suck my swollen left nut). The only unfortunate thing about this flick is the mash-up of animal sounds for the roaring and growling sounds of the dinos, and the flat/forced acting. I do think Spielberg could have done better with both of those, but I will give props for the astoundingly smooth CGI, even for the old-school. All in all, this movie is more entertaining than high quality. It’s fun, but doesn’t really make you think. And sometimes we all need to be entertained and not made to think, right? So even though this 1993 movie disappoints in a few aspects, I give it a very stong 3 growling dolphins out of 5

War games matrixified

Welcome grateful readers to a change in my lineup…a TV show. Or rather, ex TV show. That’s right. Change. Who here likes the X-Files? Everyone? Good. Then you will love this show. Yeah, it’s not the X-Files, but it is along the same lines. I rather equate this show to X-Files meats the matrix. It’s frickin’ awesome. I am willing to bet though that all 1.4 of my loyal readers neither watched this show when it was on, nor remember it being on at all. And to that I say, too damn bad for you. But you’re in luck as Fox is a money whore and is now selling this great show in DVD format (they’ve shined away from beta since it stopped selling in the 70s…). Harsh Realm is the name of the show, and Chris Carter, Mr. X-Files himself is the creator.

Plot

Lieutenant Tom Hobbes of the United States Army, after saving the life of a close friend in a military conflict, decides to retire from the army life and move with his fiance to California and start a new life. That is, until two MPs come to his door and ask him to pack an overnight bag and report for a secret assignment. Hobbes finds himself plunged into a virtual reality world of extraordinary realism where a vicious dictator named Santiago holds the high score by ruling the entire virtual world. Hobbes’ sole assignment: win the game by killing Santiago and taking the high score. But it’s not long after he enters the world that Hobbes realizes there is more than meets the eye. He finds out that if he dies in Harsh Realm, he dies in the real world too. He also realizes that there is no escape without killing Santiago. And thus begins his quest to try and win through all the impossibilities that await him around every corner in a desperate hope to return to his fiance in the real world.

Visual

Pretty cool cinematography, but no real CGI as Harsh Realm is just as real looking as the real world. The visual affects really take on an X-files feel thanks to Chris Carter. But otherwise, nothing to mention other than the occasional programming glitch allowing characters to shift in and out of certain areas, leaving a cool wavy visual thing. But it was also just a TV show and not a high budget action film.

Sound

Although the sound effects were pretty high quality, the thing that really needs the most recognition is the music. Certain areas in this show really take on a whole different feeling thanks to the fantastically organized music. And even though this was just a TV show, it was quite obvious that Chris Carter spent more that one pretty penny to create the perfect feel with the music.

Acting

Pretty impressive for a TV show, and you might even recognize a few of the actors. But I really couldn’t say that the acting is fantastic, and sometimes the characters take on a very flat cold type. This is really the only drawback I see with this show.

Summary

Damn you FOX! They cancelled this show after showing only three episodes, but fortunately the DVD actually includes all nine original episodes. But, if you buy the DVD, get ready to be pissed off by the ending. Does Hobbes finally kill Santiago and escape from Harsh Realm? Don’t count on it eager reader, cause it doesn’t happen. Sorry to ruin the ending, but Fox screwed us on this show. I guess there just weren’t as many viewers as other fine programs such as Greg the Bunny. Yep. Well, I’ve ranted long enough and will leave you all with this: you really should try to see this show in its entirety. Even though the ending sucked, all nine episodes were quite impressive and not worth missing.

4 DAMN YOU FOXs out of 5.