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The most kick-ass physicist since Stephen Hawking returns to take it to the man; G-man that is.

Welcome, gracious readers to my first review of a video game. And we shall start with perhaps the grandest PC game to be released in quite some time: Half Life 2. After long bated breath and wishing I wasn’t poor, I eventually acquired this game (Thanks Aaron) some 6 months after it had been released. As I finally get around to the review, it’s more than a year after it’s release. But, nonetheless, if you don’t already own this game and you claim to be a “gamer” then you should go out and buy it right now. In case you couldn’t tell (what are you retarded?) this is the sequel to arguably the greatest PC game of all time: Half-Life. And this sequel does not disappoint.

Valve built an all new engine to power this game, and the graphics really show it. Every skin in the game is as close to real as I could imagine a game being, if not better. Throughout the game, I was stunned repeatedly by the extreme attention to detail that was given to the graphics. And although I am sure there are flaws in the game, my first play-through did not reveal any to me. The second time through, however, I noticed a few small glitches (mostly caused by me not doing what I’m supposed to of course) and even those glitches were more than small enough for me to simply ignore. From panoramic views to vetilation shafts, the graphics really are revolutionary. Even if your machine is not completely able to handle the graphics, the boys at Valve ingeniously kept what you needed to see in the screen, and clipped out unnecessary items. So if your computer sucks (like mine) you’ll still be able to murder and maim without hinderance.

This game really handles excellently as well, it’s very easy to get lost in the game and not even remember that you’re just playing a game. It really handles like all games should. The movements are crisp and very precise, helping seat you into Gordan Freeman’s shoes. The weapons are fairly believable, and your enemies fall with a proper amount of force. Plus the ragdoll characteristics that the corpses take makes it extra fun to nab a headshot. As a bonus over Half-Life, you can actually operate vehicles that aren’t mounted on a rail. Granted you only really get to drive a few vehicles, but it’s very nice to be able to move about as you like and not to be stuck on a track able only to accelerate and slow your craft. So in that regard, this game really is an improvement over the original. Plus, the dune buggy sounds like a small block Chevy, and that makes me super horny. But I digress.

The only real problem that I have with this game is the mood. Yeah, the G-man is present and quite prominant, and you even get to spend some time with characters from Black Mesa that were in the original Half-Life. But the sequel just doesn’t feel like Half-Life did. The plot really didn’t seem like you were fighting for freedom from aliens and grunts while trapped in the labs. It really felt more like you are on a one man vigilante attack against all things evil in the world. It almost seemed more fitting of a James Bond game than Half-Life. And you spend the whole game fighting men, and get to kill hardly any aliens, which is quite the disapointment. I really wanted this game to be like an extension of the original, with better graphics and drastically improved gameplay. Although I was not disappointed in regards to graphics and gameplay, I just really hated that it didn’t feel like Half-Life. In the original, there were countless puzzles and riddles you had to solve in order to progress, but in Half-Life 2, the puzzles are far too easy and I just never really got stumped. This was fairly saddening to me, because I’m not that smart of a guy and I really enjoyed getting stumped by the original.

The enemies in this game, however disappointing that they’re not aliens, are excellently built and quite intellegent. In the original, it was fairly easy to outsmart the AI, but not so here. I actually feel hunted in some places, which is almost refreshing (while creepy). Even the spawn points for the enemies feels realistic in most places, which really is an improvment over the original, where if you watch closely you can see exactly where to stand in order to spawn in the head-crabs and what not. Enemies get harder the farther you progress, which is becoming typical for first person shooters, but it fit what I was looking for. As an added bonus, when nearing the end of the game, you get to command some of the rebel troops, and they follow you like idiots and take all the bullets so you don’t have to. But the friendly AI seems like a last minute addition to the game and might need just a little more development to run perfectly. Plus, you don’t get troops for very long, so there’s really not much to mention about it.

All in all, this game is beyond excellent. The graphics rock, the enemies are believable, the gameplay is great and even the music is bad ass (even if there seems to be a shortage of it…) and I can’t stay mad at this game for not feeling like the Half-Life, but due to this I simply can’t give it 5 stars. Maybe if they had slapped a different name on it instead of Half Life 2, like Half-Life: Apocalypse or Half-Life: Aftermath or Half-Life with a Vengance or something I could have got on board with the feel the way they had it. But slapping it with that magic number 2 and then making if feel completely different? Sorry, but I just didn’t like that. Otherwise, the game is great. Anyone who thinks themselves to be a gamer needs to have this in the arsenal, and since it’s part of Steam it’s exceptionally easy to purchase, install, and play without going out into the evil sunlight.

4 Annoying head-crabs out of 5

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Episodes invade!

Finally, an episode that doesn’t suck like Star Wars Episode II, is more exciting than an episode of Matlock, and just as crazy as that one episode you had when you found out the kid you’ve been raising for the past 10 years wasn’t actually yours. Don’t worry, this one game might just make you forget about the whole incident–it’s that good.

Picking up right at the end of Half-Life 2, Episode One throws the story into overdrive as you and Alyx and Dog go on the mission to slow the Citadel’s dark energy core explosion. I think this is story-telling in a game at its finest. Too often the creative process is rushed and mediocre content is pushed out. Even Half-Life 2 can be accused of this. But it seems when the people at Valve aren’t developing engines and getting hacked, they have time to do much better. This episode successfully sends the player through a variety of atmospheres and moods (focusing on horror, but also allowing emotion and humor). Thankfully, the scripted sequences Half-Life was famous for have increased in quality dramatically. Characters have convincingly developed, and even the acting is great. I got so immersed in the story that I couldn’t believe it when it was over. Leaving people wanting more is definitely good, unless it’s Matlock.

Gameplay can’t get better until technology allows for convincing virtual reality. I can’t express enough how perfect the controls are and how well everything handles. There are no soap-box-car strings attached or screaming monkeys here (I’m looking at you Battlefield 2). Every FPS needs to have controls like these. But we all know it isn’t just about the shooting, we need brain food too. Let me put it like this: remember American Gladiators? the one with the mullets, yeah. Remember the game where the contender had to run under fire to get to the next weapon to return fire on the Gladiator? Imagine doing that where the Gladiator is a Combine sniper, your air-powered rocket is now a reprogrammed rolling mine/gravity gun combo, and there are no points for just running to the end of the course. And if you still have that mullet, cut it now. Basically, Valve doesn’t cease to amaze me with their physics puzzles, teamwork with friendly AI and changing combat tactics. It is SO fun when Alyx is fighting alongside you as you attempt to fight off the antlions, combine and zombine all at the same time.

Technically, this game is really advanced. Valve’s HDR is in full effect and looks amazing (I hope you have a good computer). Perhaps my favorite improvement in Episode One is the soundtrack. HL2’s music was good, but there wasn’t enough of it. This time around, all I can say is wow. This stuff is better and more focused for each situation. I can’t find the music in mp3 format fast enough.

I should also note that Half-Life 2 isn’t a requirement for this game to work. Maybe it’ll finally convince you to buy HL2 if you buy the 20 bucks cheap condensed Episode One. Maybe Star Wars Episode 2 is actually the best of all of the movies. Maybe the Pope DOES shit in the woods. Maybe you’ll stop spending all your money on some other guy’s kid and buy the best FPS games ever created. WHY ARE YOU WAITING? This sentence is only keeping you from buying HL2 or Episode One!  5 strained episode references out of 5.

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Feel like playing a naughty game? Do us a favor and play this instead of strip poker. No one wants to see that.

Throughout video game history, there have been a number of exceedingly appropriate titles for games: God of War was war-like, Doom sent you to Hell, Devastation was devastating, and The Guy Game was… stupid. Wait, what?… Enter stage right SiN: Emergence. I feel I need to go to Confession after playing this game, and I’m not even Catholic. Extravagant Boobies, excessive swearing, glorified violence, g-strings, drive-bys, drugs, graffiti–they sure know how to make a gamer feel at home. But even if you aren’t a fan of gratuitous sex and violence (who isn’t, I ask you?), you may still enjoy this shooter.

Based on the Half-Life 2 Source engine, this first episode in the SiN series has sophisticated graphics, advanced physics, and handles very well. People familiar with Half-Life will be immediately headshot’ing happily. Newcomers will discover how an engine is supposed to be made, as it is easy to learn yet difficult to master. Gameplay-wise, Emergence doesn’t radically change the experience from Half-Life 2, but every game can’t be groundbreaking (and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).

Emergence features custom difficulty settings that can make even the most leet gamer sweat or just let a casual gamer enjoy the scenery. Flaws in the A.I. can be rather annoying, however, as enemies shoot when they shouldn’t even be aware of you. At other times, they don’t shoot when they should. Further flaws allow weapons fire and grenades to travel through solid objects (it seems always in their favor, too). But since Emergence is handled by Steam, updating and correcting problems isn’t a major issue. And you little punks that think no game is too difficult for your leetness, you will be humbled on difficult settings.

The story is about as good as you can get from a 4th grade creative writing class. I don’t even recall why I was chasing this guy and shooting anyone in my way. Allah demands it… sounds like a good reason to me. And then there’s this lady who always talks bitchy to you. Throw in a good “you’ve been injected with something; now find the antidote” and some crazed mutants and you’ve got yourself a story. It doesn’t matter much anyways because I just want to shoot things. As more episodes are released, I hope the story becomes more intense and memorable. I like being drawn in, or immersed as it were. On a side note, why are mutants always crazed? Where are all the civilized mutants sipping tea and passing the crumpets?

The atmosphere of the game is a whole ‘nother chestnut. I couldn’t help but think of the similarities between this game’s atmosphere and Deus Ex: Invisible War’s atmosphere. The level of interaction, visual style, and sounds each reinforce the ideas of the similar future in found Deus Ex. Not to diminish the in-game music, but the title screen song “What’s The World Come To” is perhaps a video game first for being better than any in-game stuff. If only Emergence had its own Kidneythieves, I could groove while sinning so badly.

For twenty bucks, you can’t do much better than this. I think Ritual Entertainment has a good plan of capitalizing on low budget opportunities and selling smaller story segments at lower prices. I know I personally bought the game because it was so inexpensive. Just don’t expect a long game or a large variety of weapons–it’s called an episode for a reason. And just when you think it’s over, Ritual graciously provides the original 1998 SiN with multiplayer alongside Emergence for your shooting needs. All in all, it’s a decent package filled with everything sinful. To miss out on it when it is so inexpensive would simply be blasphemy.

3 “Hail Mary’s” out of 5

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“Huh?”

All right, Wachowski brothers, here’s your motivation: You took one of the most original movies and brutally murdered it with the sequel, it’s the final installment, fix it. Yeah, that happened. Honestly, I loved the original Matrix, and if you’ve read my review on Reloaded you know how I felt about that one. This movie, however, fell somewhere in the middle. Still, its shortcomings were more than obvious and I felt like the brothers still missed the mark. But it definitely was an improvement from Reloaded–at least a little (right up until the ending).

Plot

Continuing from Reloaded, Neo and the rebels of Zion attempt to fight back against a huge army of sentinels and other machines. Final hope lies in Neo fulfilling the prophecy and stopping the robots. But here’s the kick: the way Neo stops the robots is to waltz into the mechanical city, walk up to their leader and get plugged into the matrix to kill Agent Smith. Once smith is dead, the robots will stop the fighting, free all the “batteries and have peace. The reason for this deal? Agent Smith has taken over the Matrix. Here’s what I think: delete the matrix and start over. Agent Smith will be deleted as well right? Or even still, after Smith takes over the matrix, he duplicates himself with every person right? I believe the Architect stated in Reloaded how easily the people plugged into the matrix figured out the matrix was fake. Wouldn’t seeing like 12 thousand of the same person make every battery in the matrix wake up? Maybe that’s just me, but it seems like a huge hole in the plot.

Visual

Fantastic yet again. The Wachowski bros really hit the mark on each movie here, but since Revolutions didn’t quite have enough in the way of action, the special effects weren’t nearly as extensive as the previous two. Also, I noticed that the final Neo/Smith fight scene really seemed a bit on the fake side. It was almost like the bros were trying too hard to make it look unusual. Smith and Neo getting slammed about and thrown inconceivable distances by punches that didn’t really look that hard, and the single hardest hit in the whole movie didn’t even look all that devastating. Of course, the hand to face effect was pretty neat (though a little over-done).

Audio

What happened to the kick-ass soundtrack of Reloaded? It seemed like instead of awesome rock and techno, it was all composed. All of it. But, the surround sound was frickin’ awesome. I really missed the rock though. I mean, anyone who knows me knows I won’t scoff at good classical music, but I felt like Revolutions should have been more about hard rock than composed classical. Oh well.

Acting

Guess what? The only increase in acting performance was from the only actors I had never heard of. Everyone else, including the people who carried over from Reloaded, gave a flat and very unbelievable delivery. This just doesn’t seem right to me. Why in the hell would the people making millions for this movie give the worst performance, when the people making table scraps were the most believable? Damn. I’m in the wrong business. Anyway, although it was slightly better than reloaded, I still found the performances less than moving.

Summary

The plot was less than believable with some pretty massive holes. The ending made me leave the movie theater thinking, “what the fuck?” The good music was gone, and the acting was only a little better than Reloaded’s. It was really hard having this movie conclude the most impressive and original sci-fi/action movie in many years. I was very disappointed, but I have to admit that I really did enjoy most of this flick. It was really the very ending that pissed me off. Surely the bros must realize that you don’t want your audience to FINISH the movie angry. Maybe if you piss ‘em off early they can still leave happy, but right at the end? Come on, that’s just fricken’ stupid. You know what I wanted to see from this ending? I wanted Neo to wake up and the whole adventure having been a dream. That would have been more believable, plus the shock effect would leave the movie in the top forever. Anyway, the final word is this: it sucked, but it was still better than Reloaded.  3 out of 5.

Kinda wish I could go back in time and slap the Wachowskis before they started making this one

Wachowski brothers, what the hell happened? You went from one of the coolest and most original movies in many years to creating this drivel. What the hell? Anyway, let’s get this going right. I loved the original Matrix. And there were parts in this movie that weren’t terrible, I really felt like the Wachowski brothers kind of lost their way with this flick. I heard this movie described as a bridge from the beginning to the end, but I think the bridge is pretty crumbly and poorly built. Just so you know, I am aware that a lot of the plot from this movie is included in the video game “Enter the Matrix” and that you must play the game to get the movie better, but I saw the game played and I don’t really think it helped.

Plot

I can sum up the plot for Reloaded in just one word: confusing. “you’ve already made the choice–you’re just here to try and figure out why” Huh? What’s that even supposed to mean? Anyway, the general layout is this: Neo and the leaders of Zion discover an impending attack, and Neo takes it into his hands to try and stop the attack, and to figure out why he is who he is. Of course, there’s a lot more to it but it really feels too disjointed from the other two matrix movies to make a decent review here. There was so much talk about the “choice” in this movie, that if not for the excellent special effects, I might have made the “choice” to leave the theater. But that’s what it really boils down to, special effects over plot, that’s what made this movie work. I don’t want to just walk all over the movie though, as I think some of the things that were said really needed to be done in order to build towards a proper ending. Plus the movie is based very strongly off of various religions, and perhaps the joining of several religious ideals is what made the movie seem disjointed.

Visual

Absolutely. Stunning. This section is what actually made this movie work. Special effects and cinematography kept me in the movie. So many scenes are visually compelling and even beyond. While watching in the theater, I actually found myself ducking to the left and right and ducking and weaving and what-not. Most movies don’t have this effect on me and I really enjoyed the more active approach to the movie theater. I really can’t expound enough on how fantastic the CGI was in MOST parts of this flick. However, there are a few scenes that the CGI was obviously wrong. For instance, during a fight scene in a sea of Smith’s, Neo’s cloak robe thingy is flying about and it just looks obviously fake. Actually, now that I think of it all scenes in that cloak coat dealie just look fake as hell. But most everything else was truly stunning. I do have to ask though, what gives with the ten minute long sex scene/orgy/dance scene? Even though this scene has helped me get laid a few times, I really think it’s about 9 minutes too long.

Audio

I. Love. This. Album. Not the composed music but the rock and techno by real artists. It’s my favorite road trip CD and I never get tired of most of these songs. Plus, the music is subtle but effective in the movie, so after watching a few times you notice the music, but the first time through it just blends quite well. As for the sound effects: very well done. It is obvious that the Wachowski brothers chose very wisely on the dude who organized the sound effects. Plus, anyone who has 5.1 will get a kick out of great surround quality.

Acting

Flat. The Frenchman is quite possibly my favorite character just because he actually has depth. Everyone else seemed forced with most of the acting. Even the Oracle really seemed like she was forcing her role, it was not as believable and really didn’t help capture the delight and fantasy that the original Matrix was able to create.

Summary

Disappointment. I don’t see how you can mess up the first floor of a house when you have such a solid foundation, but the Wachowski brothers managed it. They poured sand on top of concrete and expected it to turn into walls just because it was on concrete. But, like I mentioned before, a lot of these things needed to be said and done, they just needed to organize it a little better and relay the meaning a lot better. Fortunately, the special effects are great and the audio is just as good. And although this movie left me wishing instead of waiting like it should have, I did enjoy it overall, but would not recommend it unless you want to get confused and leave a little ticked off at the “cliffhanger” that made no sense.

3 incomplete sentences* out of 5

*Editor’s note: I give up.

Who actually needs a review to convince them to see “The Matrix?”

I freakin’ love this damn movie. It’s creative, original, and well created. The Wachowski brothers hit the mark in every possible way here, from the fantastic and beautifully crafted special effects to the incredibly original plot and story line. This Sci-fi/Action flick in my opinions redefines the lines of both genres. There’s really not enough I can say about the amazing originality of this movie, I just love the idea of waking up in another reality. There’s something about that idea that seems excessively appealing to me, and this movie encourages that idea so perfectly that I need new pants (Cause I just showed my O face to the computer screen. Get it?) But anyway, here’s some serious props to the Wachowski brothers for a fantastic flick.

Plot

Average everyday guy Thomas Anderson (hacker alias Neo) spends every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment (well, every time sleeping technically if you’ve seen the movie, cause he’s a battery and always sleeping in the…well, you get it) Searching for answers to life’s little mysteries. That, and some guy named Morpheus. Morpheus ends up finding Neo and offers him a red pill to see “how deep the rabbit hole goes.” Neo soon finds himself hurled into a different world running from the “Feds” and realizing the answer to the question: “what is the Matrix?” The answer? A virtual reality world created to keep billions of people asleep and unaware of the bitter world that is “the desert of the real.” But why are these people imprisoned? To turn them into batteries for the machines to live off of. Neo is then told that he is the one that will free all people from the Matrix.

Visual

Absolutely awesome. As many times as I have watched this movie, I could not find a single visual flaw in it. Everything is perfect to what it should be. The Matrix is beautifully crafted after our current cities (New York, I think) and really is believable. As for the real world, it’s a filthy, desolate place where the only happy retreat is plugging into the matrix itself. It’s so perfectly grimy and terrible, that it really makes you feel almost dirtier just for watching the movie. Some key visuals, as you all have seen, are the bullet dodging scenes. The slower they are the better. I just love when Neo is first realizing his abilities while fighting Morpheus and the slow-motion looking blurry hand movements as Neo takes the upper hand in the fight. Then when on the roof top and Neo dodges around the bullets “screaming” by in super slow-mo, it’s just freakin’ awesome.

Audio

Badass rock, even better techno. The Wachowski brothers really don’t leave you imagining what could have been here. They make sure that the music fits perfectly and flawlessly in the whole movie. There wasn’t a single moment where I thought, “wait, that song doesn’t fit here.” I thought all of it was perfect. Plus major appearances from Rage Against The Machine and some techno by bands I’ve never heard of but that were freakin’ great. In addition to the awesome music were some very kick-ass sound effects. Every touch of sound was very impressive. All of the shattering glass, the gunshots, the punching sounds, it’s all blended perfectly into a wonderfully believable flick.

Acting

Well, kind of what you’d expect really. Nothing that really blows my skirt up, but it didn’t really suck either. It really seemed like the Wachowski bros really wanted the performances to be just a touch on the flat side. If that is the case, then everything was perfect. But, otherwise the acting was just a touch on the flat side. Either way. Very impressive performance from Keanu Reaves, and I laugh every damn time I hear the line “I know kung fu” (thanks in part to Celebrity Jeopardy Skits from SNL (For the last time, no you don’t)). Did I just use a double parenthesis? Right, moving on. On the plus side, this movie was actually made when Carrie Anne Moss was still hot (look closely at her face next time you watch Reloaded and Revolutions, its like looking at a leather seat from the 50’s…gross).

Summary

Good God damn I love this movie. I’ve seen this movie so many times I practically have the whole thing memorized, but I still never really get tired of it. I just flat love the part where Neo goes to try and save Morpheus. The whole movie following that point just makes me need new pants. (Get it? I alluded to the O face thing I said earlier. Get it? Huh?) Right, moving on. If you actually haven’t seen this movie, you should just eat a bullet now. Either that or see the damn movie. The latter would be more PC but if you’re actually reading this review for encouragement to go out and spend a whopping dollar to rent this flick for the first time, then you probably should be shot. Or you have been in a coma for 30 years and just woke up four days ago. In that case, go rent it, you’ll like it, trust me. 5 “I know kung fu’s” out of 5

Get your sci-fi fix

This movie was recommended to me, and when I finally got around to watching it, I was blown away. Truly impressive movie, especially for something so low budget and unheard of. I know what you’re thinking, I’ve never heard of it, it must suck. Truly wrong. This is an essential movie for any sci-fi fan. It’s kind of like The Matrix meets Minority Report meets 1984.

Plot Summary

A futuristic world where emotion is outlawed and destroyed when possible. Colors that bring emotion are illegal, and the emotion of an entire population of people is controlled by a drug with required use. The main character (whose name evades me…) basically stops taking
this drug and realizes the wrong of the society, and then fights to destroy the so called “perfect world.”

Acting

Mostly decent, but you also have to keep in mind that throughout most of the flick, the main character (damn it, what’s his name?) is literally emotionless, as is everyone else. But don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t flat, all the no-name actors did a good job being emotionless. Christian Bale, playing lead role, excellently portrays the futuristic cop what’s his name and the character is very believable and impressive. Taye Diggs plays the rival during the
movie, but for an emotionless society, his character shows a lot of emotion…but whether it’s bad acting or foreshadowing is a decision left to the viewer.

Visual

Fantastic use of color and shapes, really draws you into the movie and brings out emotion quite well. Subtle visual effects are everywhere in this movie, from the color of the drug to symbol occasionaly visible in the muzzle flare of the pistols, you find yourself engaged not only into the movie, but also into the backgrounds and subtle clues of emotion.

Audio

Unless you have 5.1 surround sound, nothing really outstanding to speak of. The music is fitting and doesn’t draw attention, but it’s not the kind of soundtrack I’d run out and “buy.”

Conclusion

Just see it, damn it. You’ll be glad you did. I know the review doesn’t seem that impressive, but I really didn’t want to spoil the movie.

5 prozium doses out of 5