Quentin Tarantino, you genius, you’ve outdone yourself again. Just like Reservoir Dogs outdid Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction outdid Reservoir Dogs, this fantastic tale outdid even Pulp Fiction. And that’s saying an awful lot. Because Pulp Fiction is the shit. Yeah. Anyway, back to the review. From the very first scene of this movie right until the gripping cliffhanger at the very end, you will be ...]]>

If you don’t understand the humor behind it all, take that stick out of your ass and try again.

Quentin Tarantino, you genius, you’ve outdone yourself again. Just like Reservoir Dogs outdid Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction outdid Reservoir Dogs, this fantastic tale outdid even Pulp Fiction. And that’s saying an awful lot. Because Pulp Fiction is the shit. Yeah. Anyway, back to the review. From the very first scene of this movie right until the gripping cliffhanger at the very end, you will be captivated through the entire flick. Starring and written by Uma Thurman, written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, and also starring Lucy Lui and Vivica A. Fox, this fascinating tale of revenge and remarkable constitution will drop kick you in the nuts and keep you wondering, all the while knowing. I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense if you haven’t seen the movie, but if you have then you know precisely what I’m talking about.

Plot

In a desperate quest for revenge, the Bride (sorry, you have to wait till volume two to learn her real name.) as played by Uma Thurman, tears shreds into her old accomplices (and their bodyguards) until the very end of the movie. Of course, since this is only volume 1, she doesn’t get to complete her quest in this movie, but the journey itself is what is most spectacular. Broken down into several thoroughly rearranged chapters, the Bride procures a samurai sword, and kills the shit out of Lucy Lui’s character, has a somewhat epic fight and destroys Vivica A. Fox’s character–all the while fulfilling the sadistic death list of all those who wronged her. This film is Quentin’s homage to Bruce Lee era films, so the plot is laid out similarly to those, while still retaining a creative effect that only Quentin can produce.

Visual

Get ready for slightly comical blood and gore, because this movie has no shortage of either. In fact, there is a scene where the Bride is literally bathing in the watery blood of dozens of deceased (and maimed) samurai sword-wielding crazy-ass Japanese. In the story of Lucy Lui’s character O-Ren Ishii, the movie lapses into a fantastic Japanese animation sequence that was really stunning, and fit perfectly into the feel of the movie. During the massacre of the Crazy 88, the film drops into black and white, allowing for a fascinating cinematography affect the likes of which I have not seen in many years. Anytime the Bride sees someone who wronged her on her “wedding day,” shes shown in red to emphasize her fierce anger and hatred, and you know that person is going to die.

Audio

Only Tarantino can use such seemingly obscure music, and blend it all so perfectly into a movie. The song Twisted Nerve will haunt your dreams. Anyway, I strongly recommend procuring this movie’s soundtrack, whether legally or not is no concern of mine, but it’s really worth buying. Every song is completely different than every other, and yet it blends so well that you can’t even tell the songs aren’t even similar until you’re listening to the soundtrack separate from the movie. The sound effects are also fantastic, and you don’t need 5.1 to appreciate them, but it does make a really big difference.

Acting

Does this movie have any flawed acting? Absolutely not. The Bride is so perfectly convincing that you can almost believe it really happened. Bill is played better than anyone else, even though you never get to see his face, not even a little (at least not until volume two). Even Lucy Lui did a mentionable job here. Where often her roles can be very flat or staccato; she did an excellent job, and even wielded a sword very impressively. Uma really kicked some ass with her samurai sword, too.

Summary

This is one of the best and most unique movies to come out in years, and will probably remain so for quite some time. Get ready to be impressed, because this movie is truly fantastic. Quentin really is a genius for creating this, and special props to Uma for writing, because she and Quentin wrote this right after finishing Pulp Fiction. So here’s the final word: if you haven’t already seen this, you better or I will personally come to your house and beat you with a hose until you do. That’s right. Bitch.  5 out of 5 stars.

Welcome, gracious readers to my first review of a video game. And we shall start with perhaps the grandest PC game to be released in quite some time: Half Life 2. After long bated breath and wishing I wasn’t poor, I eventually acquired this game (Thanks Aaron) some 6 months after it had been released. As I finally get around to the review, it’s more than a year after ...]]> The most kick-ass physicist since Stephen Hawking returns to take it to the man; G-man that is.

Welcome, gracious readers to my first review of a video game. And we shall start with perhaps the grandest PC game to be released in quite some time: Half Life 2. After long bated breath and wishing I wasn’t poor, I eventually acquired this game (Thanks Aaron) some 6 months after it had been released. As I finally get around to the review, it’s more than a year after it’s release. But, nonetheless, if you don’t already own this game and you claim to be a “gamer” then you should go out and buy it right now. In case you couldn’t tell (what are you retarded?) this is the sequel to arguably the greatest PC game of all time: Half-Life. And this sequel does not disappoint.

Valve built an all new engine to power this game, and the graphics really show it. Every skin in the game is as close to real as I could imagine a game being, if not better. Throughout the game, I was stunned repeatedly by the extreme attention to detail that was given to the graphics. And although I am sure there are flaws in the game, my first play-through did not reveal any to me. The second time through, however, I noticed a few small glitches (mostly caused by me not doing what I’m supposed to of course) and even those glitches were more than small enough for me to simply ignore. From panoramic views to vetilation shafts, the graphics really are revolutionary. Even if your machine is not completely able to handle the graphics, the boys at Valve ingeniously kept what you needed to see in the screen, and clipped out unnecessary items. So if your computer sucks (like mine) you’ll still be able to murder and maim without hinderance.

This game really handles excellently as well, it’s very easy to get lost in the game and not even remember that you’re just playing a game. It really handles like all games should. The movements are crisp and very precise, helping seat you into Gordan Freeman’s shoes. The weapons are fairly believable, and your enemies fall with a proper amount of force. Plus the ragdoll characteristics that the corpses take makes it extra fun to nab a headshot. As a bonus over Half-Life, you can actually operate vehicles that aren’t mounted on a rail. Granted you only really get to drive a few vehicles, but it’s very nice to be able to move about as you like and not to be stuck on a track able only to accelerate and slow your craft. So in that regard, this game really is an improvement over the original. Plus, the dune buggy sounds like a small block Chevy, and that makes me super horny. But I digress.

The only real problem that I have with this game is the mood. Yeah, the G-man is present and quite prominant, and you even get to spend some time with characters from Black Mesa that were in the original Half-Life. But the sequel just doesn’t feel like Half-Life did. The plot really didn’t seem like you were fighting for freedom from aliens and grunts while trapped in the labs. It really felt more like you are on a one man vigilante attack against all things evil in the world. It almost seemed more fitting of a James Bond game than Half-Life. And you spend the whole game fighting men, and get to kill hardly any aliens, which is quite the disapointment. I really wanted this game to be like an extension of the original, with better graphics and drastically improved gameplay. Although I was not disappointed in regards to graphics and gameplay, I just really hated that it didn’t feel like Half-Life. In the original, there were countless puzzles and riddles you had to solve in order to progress, but in Half-Life 2, the puzzles are far too easy and I just never really got stumped. This was fairly saddening to me, because I’m not that smart of a guy and I really enjoyed getting stumped by the original.

The enemies in this game, however disappointing that they’re not aliens, are excellently built and quite intellegent. In the original, it was fairly easy to outsmart the AI, but not so here. I actually feel hunted in some places, which is almost refreshing (while creepy). Even the spawn points for the enemies feels realistic in most places, which really is an improvment over the original, where if you watch closely you can see exactly where to stand in order to spawn in the head-crabs and what not. Enemies get harder the farther you progress, which is becoming typical for first person shooters, but it fit what I was looking for. As an added bonus, when nearing the end of the game, you get to command some of the rebel troops, and they follow you like idiots and take all the bullets so you don’t have to. But the friendly AI seems like a last minute addition to the game and might need just a little more development to run perfectly. Plus, you don’t get troops for very long, so there’s really not much to mention about it.

All in all, this game is beyond excellent. The graphics rock, the enemies are believable, the gameplay is great and even the music is bad ass (even if there seems to be a shortage of it…) and I can’t stay mad at this game for not feeling like the Half-Life, but due to this I simply can’t give it 5 stars. Maybe if they had slapped a different name on it instead of Half Life 2, like Half-Life: Apocalypse or Half-Life: Aftermath or Half-Life with a Vengance or something I could have got on board with the feel the way they had it. But slapping it with that magic number 2 and then making if feel completely different? Sorry, but I just didn’t like that. Otherwise, the game is great. Anyone who thinks themselves to be a gamer needs to have this in the arsenal, and since it’s part of Steam it’s exceptionally easy to purchase, install, and play without going out into the evil sunlight.

4 Annoying head-crabs out of 5

You had to see this one coming. There is hardly a game I’d want to be made portable more than a Grand Theft Auto game. And thankfully, Rockstar thought the same. How could anyone resist having their own pocket sized hooker-murder simulator?

Portable GTA! Brilliant!

This game fits the PSP so well and surprisingly runs great. Take GTA3, humorously add motorcycles to the mix, kill off the only Dodo, and add multiplayer mini-games and you’ve got a recipe for ...]]> The smallest big city ever, all in your hands

You had to see this one coming. There is hardly a game I’d want to be made portable more than a Grand Theft Auto game. And thankfully, Rockstar thought the same. How could anyone resist having their own pocket sized hooker-murder simulator?

Portable GTA! Brilliant!

This game fits the PSP so well and surprisingly runs great. Take GTA3, humorously add motorcycles to the mix, kill off the only Dodo, and add multiplayer mini-games and you’ve got a recipe for a classic. Mmmm, just like momma used to make (well, except the drive-bys and hookers). Speaking of drive-bys, the Xbox should be ashamed of itself for its history of terrible controls in GTAs because the PSP pulls it off perfectly even with fewer buttons. And the PSP looks just as amazing as the Xbox; I don’t know how those crazy Japanese fit so much power into such a small package. Liberty City Stories’s story is new and quite lengthy, so it should provide hours and hours of missions and side tasks. Not much else to say here. If you’ve played any GTA game, you’ll find the same things here–good and bad.

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“The Mainframe” Now in Theaters, Rated R for Retarded

The radio that we all know and love is back to offend, so parents and responsible adults be warned. They haven’t pulled any punches in the past and aren’t about to start any time soon. From Manifest Destiny to the Evils of the Internet to stereotypical Indian cab drivers to transsexual German DJs, everyone is sure to find something that interests them. There is even an inside hot coffee joke. But where is all the good music? Did Rockstar run out of good songs from the 90s they were allowed to play? They certainly found enough crappy house/techno music, but all the radio stations seem to be playing leftovers. Most stations’ cycles are too short, and others are about 25 minutes too long. Then, you get excited when you learn you can do custom tracks (as it’s been lacking on Sony platforms), but then you learn the details of it. You need their special utility that only rips from legitimate store bought CDs to put them on your PSP. Fucking DRM. Stop acting like Microsoft Rockstar!

Go sit in the corner Rockstar

On the surface, it is another great GTA game, and it’s portable! But I can’t help but be disappointed since I’ve played San Andreas. So many features such as developing character skills, minigames, airplanes, helicopters, and the miraculous swimming ability have been removed (or more accurately, not considered to be put in). This was a bad step backwards Rockstar. Don’t give us Kool-aid just to take it away soon after. Whether it’s due to technical restrictions or laziness, it doesn’t feel like your best effort.

So really, what else could you ask for from the PSP? Actually, Ace Combat and Knights of the Old Republic, but GTA is good too. I get the feeling I’ll be waiting for KOTOR for a while. Liberty City Stories fills a void in the handheld market almost perfectly. And if I didn’t know so many schmucks that don’t own PSPs, I might’ve been able to test the multiplayer part for you. Perhaps I would even be able to forgive the step backwards then. As it is though, Liberty City Stories is one of the best games for the PSP as long as you fit the “Mature” category.

4 Rock-stars out of 5

I freakin’ love this damn movie. It’s creative, original, and well created. The Wachowski brothers hit the mark in every possible way here, from the fantastic and beautifully crafted special effects to the incredibly original plot and story line. This Sci-fi/Action flick in my opinions redefines the lines of both genres. There’s really not enough I can say about the amazing originality of this movie, I just love the idea of waking up in ...]]>

Who actually needs a review to convince them to see “The Matrix?”

I freakin’ love this damn movie. It’s creative, original, and well created. The Wachowski brothers hit the mark in every possible way here, from the fantastic and beautifully crafted special effects to the incredibly original plot and story line. This Sci-fi/Action flick in my opinions redefines the lines of both genres. There’s really not enough I can say about the amazing originality of this movie, I just love the idea of waking up in another reality. There’s something about that idea that seems excessively appealing to me, and this movie encourages that idea so perfectly that I need new pants (Cause I just showed my O face to the computer screen. Get it?) But anyway, here’s some serious props to the Wachowski brothers for a fantastic flick.

Plot

Average everyday guy Thomas Anderson (hacker alias Neo) spends every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment (well, every time sleeping technically if you’ve seen the movie, cause he’s a battery and always sleeping in the…well, you get it) Searching for answers to life’s little mysteries. That, and some guy named Morpheus. Morpheus ends up finding Neo and offers him a red pill to see “how deep the rabbit hole goes.” Neo soon finds himself hurled into a different world running from the “Feds” and realizing the answer to the question: “what is the Matrix?” The answer? A virtual reality world created to keep billions of people asleep and unaware of the bitter world that is “the desert of the real.” But why are these people imprisoned? To turn them into batteries for the machines to live off of. Neo is then told that he is the one that will free all people from the Matrix.

Visual

Absolutely awesome. As many times as I have watched this movie, I could not find a single visual flaw in it. Everything is perfect to what it should be. The Matrix is beautifully crafted after our current cities (New York, I think) and really is believable. As for the real world, it’s a filthy, desolate place where the only happy retreat is plugging into the matrix itself. It’s so perfectly grimy and terrible, that it really makes you feel almost dirtier just for watching the movie. Some key visuals, as you all have seen, are the bullet dodging scenes. The slower they are the better. I just love when Neo is first realizing his abilities while fighting Morpheus and the slow-motion looking blurry hand movements as Neo takes the upper hand in the fight. Then when on the roof top and Neo dodges around the bullets “screaming” by in super slow-mo, it’s just freakin’ awesome.

Audio

Badass rock, even better techno. The Wachowski brothers really don’t leave you imagining what could have been here. They make sure that the music fits perfectly and flawlessly in the whole movie. There wasn’t a single moment where I thought, “wait, that song doesn’t fit here.” I thought all of it was perfect. Plus major appearances from Rage Against The Machine and some techno by bands I’ve never heard of but that were freakin’ great. In addition to the awesome music were some very kick-ass sound effects. Every touch of sound was very impressive. All of the shattering glass, the gunshots, the punching sounds, it’s all blended perfectly into a wonderfully believable flick.

Acting

Well, kind of what you’d expect really. Nothing that really blows my skirt up, but it didn’t really suck either. It really seemed like the Wachowski bros really wanted the performances to be just a touch on the flat side. If that is the case, then everything was perfect. But, otherwise the acting was just a touch on the flat side. Either way. Very impressive performance from Keanu Reaves, and I laugh every damn time I hear the line “I know kung fu” (thanks in part to Celebrity Jeopardy Skits from SNL (For the last time, no you don’t)). Did I just use a double parenthesis? Right, moving on. On the plus side, this movie was actually made when Carrie Anne Moss was still hot (look closely at her face next time you watch Reloaded and Revolutions, its like looking at a leather seat from the 50’s…gross).

Summary

Good God damn I love this movie. I’ve seen this movie so many times I practically have the whole thing memorized, but I still never really get tired of it. I just flat love the part where Neo goes to try and save Morpheus. The whole movie following that point just makes me need new pants. (Get it? I alluded to the O face thing I said earlier. Get it? Huh?) Right, moving on. If you actually haven’t seen this movie, you should just eat a bullet now. Either that or see the damn movie. The latter would be more PC but if you’re actually reading this review for encouragement to go out and spend a whopping dollar to rent this flick for the first time, then you probably should be shot. Or you have been in a coma for 30 years and just woke up four days ago. In that case, go rent it, you’ll like it, trust me. 5 “I know kung fu’s” out of 5

So you haven’t used your PSP for gaming since Liberty City Stories, you say? Well power that baby back up and prepare for the hand cramps, because Syphon Filter Dark Mirror is here. Whether you are a fan of the series or you just enjoy good gameplay, you’ll be happy you spent the cash for this one.

Saving the world, as usual

“Surely you can’t be serious?! Little ol’ me is going to save the world?” Ok, so it isn’t exactly original. ...]]> The first killer app for the PSP

So you haven’t used your PSP for gaming since Liberty City Stories, you say? Well power that baby back up and prepare for the hand cramps, because Syphon Filter Dark Mirror is here. Whether you are a fan of the series or you just enjoy good gameplay, you’ll be happy you spent the cash for this one.

Saving the world, as usual

“Surely you can’t be serious?! Little ol’ me is going to save the world?” Ok, so it isn’t exactly original. The same stories have been told over and over again since the days of ancient Greece. But who honestly cares if it works? Dark Mirror is such a rehashing where you stop the baddies from completing their evil plans. Melodrama abounds, especially during the final boss’s monologue. Could someone please tell him this isn’t Metal Gear Solid! (Some might find it interesting, however, that some of the same voice actors from MGS are present for Dark Mirror.) Even the media favorite phrase “WMD” is used liberally, but just like in high school, once hip phrases are used by the general public, the “in” crowd wouldn’t be caught dead using it. EVERYONE knows video game violence is the new fad. The story does have some moments of glory though that fans will certainly enjoy.

Singleplayer gameplay

You’ll use a nice variety of weapons including the ever-popular tazer guns, grenades, sniper rifles with special purpose darts, and even flare guns for “emergencies.” Nifty gadgets such as IR goggles and night vision are not only useful in different situations, but reward those willing to look for various extras. Replaying missions will unlock more weapons and levels and finding all the hidden evidence unlocks different behind the scene extras making Dark Mirror very replayable. Enemy AI is good, but more importantly, your actions may allow for different outcomes of each level. I found myself extremely enjoying playing the same missions using stealth one time and Rambo tactics another time just to see what would be different. Overall, there is no better singleplayer game for the PSP–once the awkwardness of controlling a 3rd person shooter on such a small platform is overcome.

Multiplayer

Here, the game falters slightly. Online play is supported by statistics and ranking, which convinces some that this is the only part of the game worth playing. Issues arise, however, when new players try to find a decently balanced game. High ranks are unwisely given too many bonuses, allowing them to further whoop on the lowbies. And heaven forbid that the high ranks would willingly match up against another high rank… that might screw up their perfect stats. This unbalance is a major turn off for the newcomer and will be the suffocation of the online game. The good part of multiplayer comes if you are lucky enough to know people. You can form a clan to work together and help each other rank up. There is also voice communication, but good luck trying to find a headset sold anywhere (I’ve spent a month looking everywhere in a 100 mile radius). Multiplayer slightly disappoints. I was lucky enough to beta test the multiplayer for this game, and it was the most enjoyable beta test I’ve ever been in. It’s confusing to me that the final product was such a let down.

Final thoughts

The total product is no let down though. Singleplayer is excellent and overshadows the problems with multiplayer. Not only is this the best shooter on PSP, it is quite possibly game of the year for this platform. It is no question then that Syphon Filter Dark Mirror receives a well earned 5 out of 5

…and don’t call me Shirley.