Some of you may already know how I feel about Battlefield 2. I’m pretty sure my neighbors know what I think about it. But in case you’re one of the lucky people that don’t know, I’ll give you my condensed gripe. If it wasn’t for the whole on-foot combat deal, it would be a good game. But for some reason they thought battles should have troops and firearms, causing controls that are non-responsive, weapons that are “realistic AND balanced,” and many temptations to put my fist …

…and the valleys got stuck with the ass-crack.

Wes Craven, at what point did you go crazy? Because it must have been sometime before this movie. The master of horror himself let me down. Of course, he only is credited as the writer of this movie, as it’s an update of his 1977 horror flick of the same name. But if I was Wes, I would have told director Alexandre Aja to cram it up his ass instead of putting my name on this piece of trash. …

Please kill me…

It’s been called the first killer app for the PSP, received by some as Game of Show for E3 2005, and been given high ratings on crappy “out of 10″ systems. Must’ve been a slow year for everyone else. The most fun I ever had playing Death Jr. was anytime Dead Guppy was on screen because I knew exactly how he felt. He was just playing dead in hopes the game would just leave him alone. I take it back, the instruction booklet was …

“Huh?”

All right, Wachowski brothers, here’s your motivation: You took one of the most original movies and brutally murdered it with the sequel, it’s the final installment, fix it. Yeah, that happened. Honestly, I loved the original Matrix, and if you’ve read my review on Reloaded you know how I felt about that one. This movie, however, fell somewhere in the middle. Still, its shortcomings were more than obvious and I felt like the brothers still missed the mark. But it definitely was an improvement from …

Well grateful readers, I have reached a time I thought I never would. I have discovered a movie with Quentin Tarantino’s name plastered onto it that truly blew ass. Sorry Quentin, maybe you should have left your name off of this piece of junk. But anyway, here’s the movie: gory and full of disturbing images that made me sick to my stomach. And I have a strong stomach. But that’s just the second half of the movie. In the first …